Category: Soul Searching

Little Things for Which I am Thankful

Terri

photo 1 (4)

I know these posts usually come out on a Friday, but I wanted to be able to write this post from a place of gratitude, you know? And that’s how I am feeling today. Yesterday, well, in the words of someone who commented on my blog recently, I was just “waiting until Friday.”

1. I was lamenting with a colleague how it seems like libraries have changed so much over the past few years. To me, they seem to have become very corporatized (well, some of them, anyway) and I look at my own library and see how it’s changed. When I started there, I was by far, the most inexperienced person. And I mean, BY YEARS, I was the least experienced. And knowledgeable. Now, I’m the one who has been in the department the longest. It’s scary, and it’s sad.

But, someone decided to make my day yesterday, and it came in the form of one of the reference librarians with whom I worked in the very beginning. Naomi came into the library yesterday for the first time since she had retired, back in 2006. She’s the only librarian in our library who has a plaque dedicated to her near the reference desk. At first when she walked in with her family, I asked “are you here for the reunion?” and then I looked at her and was like “oh my God, Naomi!!” and immediately ran at her.

That woman has probably forgotten more than I will ever learn in my life. She reminded me of a time in my job when I was always, always learning. You’d think you had exhausted every avenue you knew of, and every resource, and you’d go to one of the more senior librarians and ask, “is there anything I’m missing?” and inevitably they would come up with something. (I still have that today in a colleague or two, but it’s just not the same. When you add up all the years of experience in my department these days, we probably add up to about 1 to 1.75 of the library reference librarians’ experience before, and that was a big department of about 7.

When she left, her husband turned to me and said “you made her day,” and I said “no, she made mine.”  We just kept giving each other hugs.

2. I may be dating myself by bringing up this movie, but does anyone out there remember the movie, Legends of the Fall? Back from around 1994? You may remember it had Aidan Quinn and Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins? Well, there was a line in the movie where the old Native American says something about Brad Pitt’s character, Tristan, coming into the “quiet stage” of his life. That’s kind of how I felt earlier this week when we had all that rain, and the shortness of the daylight seemed to be strikingly obvious to me, much more so than normal. It made me really start to think about things and get some things sorted out in my mind. And I have felt kind of “quiet.” It’s kind of like the feeling that comes over me when all I can hear in the apartment is the sound of the bubbling pet water fountain and maybe a snoring animal or two. Like right now, as I sit here typing this, every single furball in this place is sound asleep. It’s a feeling of contentment, of just feeling like everything is right as it should be, right now.

3. I am grateful for having good friends and for having good friends who give me good advice. Not necessarily what I want to hear, but good advice in that it comes from a good place inside of them and because it’s honest.  One of them told me to think of my dreams or life as a sentence that you diagram – think about the big picture, and then see the parts that make up the whole. Think of what you want the end result to be, and then you’ll figure out how to get there.

4.  I am grateful that the weather today is absolutely gorgeous. The sun is out, and lots of people are walking and running around the reservoir out back. It’s one of those days where I wish we could just freeze the calendar and not move forward.

5. I am grateful for quiet, peaceful days like today, where there is nothing on the schedule unless I want it to be. So, I’m going to the movies tonight with my best friend and her husband. We’re a movie watching trio – Gone Girl is what we will be seeing. I’ve read the book, so I can’t wait to see how it translates to the big screen. Definitely one of those books that is hard to put down.

6. I am grateful for young adult fiction about vampires. Yes, I said it. There, I admit it!! It’s what I like to read! It allows me to escape into another world and reminds me of what I loved about reading as a child. I used to lose myself in books, and now I”m doing it again.

7. I am grateful for views like those pictured above. And for coming home and seeing my two boys, Max and Sebastian, curled up on the loveseat (see below.)  I wanted to sit there, but I don’t have heart to make them move. Could you??

Sleepy boys...
Sleepy boys…

What are you thankful for this week? Please drop me a line below. And if you’ve liked this post, please hit like or subscribe! Thanks for reading.

Nights like tonight…

Terri
My baby boy, Sebastian. Don't you just want to reach out and rub him or poke him in his belly?? :-)
My baby boy, Sebastian. Don’t you just want to reach out and rub him or poke him in his belly?? 🙂

Tonight is one of those nights in Boston where it’s dark before 6 (not that the sun ever showed its face today, anyway), and stormy, and you can hear the ever-constant gusting of the wind outside. I sit on my love seat near the window and look out at the branches at the tops of the very tall trees behind our building wave back and forth in the wind. It’s one of those nights where, if I still had a car, I would be very careful as to where I park it, lest a branch come down and land on the top of its roof, like I saw happen to someone else last year. It’s one of those nights where I sit and hold Osito in my arms and try to comfort her little chihuahua baby from shaking so much, and then I look around at my cats who are looking back at me, and I think of how blessed I am to have all of them to love, and protect from nasty weather like this, and people that don’t feel as kindly toward animals as I do. It’s one of those nights. Read more →

So many choices of RVs!!

Terri

There are just so many choices of RVs out there that at times I feel myself getting overwhelmed. Everyone tells me I’m in that exciting stage of things right now — the dreaming and research stage. And I agree, it’s definitely fun. But I seem to be changing my mind from month to month as to what I want. However, I think I have narrowed it down a bit by making one decision: I do NOT want to drive some huge, honking truck like a Yukon Denali or other. I just don’t feel comfortable driving such a large vehicle. Not to mention the gas that it would use on a daily basis. So…wanting to drive (at the largest end) a mid-size SUV like the Nissan xTerra helps me to narrow things down. (Very good if you are decision-impaired like me to have at least one decision sort of taken out of your own hands.)

A week and a half ago, I took a comp day from work so I could drive around to RV dealers. There is one RV dealer in all of New England who carries an expandable trailer called the Trail Manor, and they are on Cape Cod, about 90 minutes away from me. So that was the first place I went, thinking this could be the perfect solution for me. It’s lightweight (even the 2619 model has a dry weight of 2300 lbs), and doesn’t cause you to use more than one extra gallon per gas per 100 miles (or so they say.)  Because it’s an expandable trailer, you can have one that is 19-20 feet when rolled down, and 26 feet of living space when opened up. Great for me and all the furballs, right?? Well, maybe.

In a Trail Manor, I kind of feel like I’m camping. My friend, Dan, of WanderDano fame of YouTube, asked me if I thought that was a good thing or a bad thing, and I said both. At the same dealer, I checked out a more traditional travel trailer and was amazed at how much more permanent it felt. And I seemed to be drawn to that. Plus, there seemed to be a lot more storage, and many more electrical outlets. Granted, I’m not going to use every electrical appliance I own all at the same time, but unless I was missing something, I only counted four in the Trail Manor. The smallest model, the 2417, didn’t have a plug in the bathroom (what could they be thinking?) but the other models did. I’m a girl. I might need to have a plug in the bathroom, you know? 🙂 That, and I have to admit, storage is a big thing to me. From all that I have read, whatever storage you have in an RV, you never have enough. And, I honestly didn’t see a whole lot of storage capacity in the 2417. The larger models, the 2619 and 2720, I could picture maybe having enough room for all my stuff. (You have to remember, it’s not just my stuff, but that of the furballs I will be taking on this new life with me. For having such little bodies, the stuff you need to take care of them can really add up over time. Not that I am complaining, trust me, I’m not!)

So, the feeling of camping I mentioned? I like the idea of camping, but I also like the idea of permanence, even if it’s just what I am living in and carting around with me, at the same time. I thought about it, and I realized, my life is going to change in so many ways next year. I won’t have the same 9-5 job to go to every day. I won’t be living in this part of the country. If I do seasonal work, my surroundings are going to change every few months. And I’ve always needed a bit of security in my life. Ok, maybe more so than most.  That’s why the whole idea of changing my life is so exciting and at the same time, terrifying, to me.

The folks at the McD RV dealership were very nice and didn’t hover over me the whole time I was sitting in the RVs, trying to picture myself in them, long term. Not so much at the other places I went to. From there, it was on to Camping World of Berkeley,  where I was disappointed that most of the travel trailers were locked. Yep, I’m assuming that they, and most dealers, do this so you have to go ask a salesperson for help. And I didn’t want that that day – I just wanted to look inside, see the setups, see how stable or not-so-stable they felt as I stood in them. I was able to get into one trailer at Camping World, and really liked what I saw. Then I found out it was over 5000 pounds, dry-weight, so I high tailed it out of that one! No use falling in love with something you’re not gonna marry, right?

So my trip to Camping World took all of, oh, 25 minutes, and that included my trip to the ladies’ room upon arrival to change out of some of my layers. (The weather is fickle in New England, a day can start out cold and warm up like you wouldn’t believe, even at the end of September.)  I then went to a place called Campers Inn, where I was able to get into one, count it, one, travel trailer. And with my friend Dan’s help, I realized it was not even on their website, so I had no idea of how much it cost. Every single other trailer was locked, and even though some of the employees saw me, no one even bothered to ask if I wanted or  needed help. So, that was another quick visit.

I then went to Bradford RV, which was just a few miles down the road. Again, the same thing. Everything locked. Except that this time, the salesperson saw me try to open the door to an ultra-lite (by Forest River) and came out to greet me. He asked me a few questions, and some look that I can’t describe came over his face (albeit briefly) once he asked if my budget was under 10K, and I said yes. I think at this point, he thought he was being generous in showing me two different RVs, one a 16 foot model and one a 17 foot model, the cheapest of which was 12K, brand-new. He hovered the entire time, so I probably spent all of ten minutes there. He checked over the inventory of their other location to see if they had any used RVs in my price range, but no such luck.

At this point, it was somewhere around 3:30ish, so I decided to go to one more RV dealer before heading for home. My zipcar was due back at 7, and I needed to give myself a good buffer of time to get back to Boston with the rush hour traffic. (Yes, rush hour begins around 3:30 in these here parts, and yes, in case you are wondering, it does suck. Big time. Part of why I am looking to move from the big city!)

Finally, there was a dealer willing to talk to me as if I had a brain in my head, in Plainville, MA.  He spent a lot of time with me discussing hitches, amps, 12v batteries, etc.  (And when I wanted to take pics inside of a trailer, he said “you don’t need me in this picture, I’ll get out of your way!”) I went to this dealer because I knew they carried the R-Pod and I really wanted to see what they looked like on the inside. It’s one thing to see the pictures but another completely to see them in person. We talked for a while about them, and how I wanted a smaller travel trailer but that the R-Pod was definitely out of my price range.

So he showed me a 2000 Fleetwood Mallard 19N (click here for some stock photos of the same model) that was 19 feet long, and I really liked most of what I saw. It was a bit dated, but I expected that (designs on the mirrored front of the cabinets over the bed). It didn’t have a sink in the bathroom, which I admit, I want. I don’t like the idea of having to leave the bathroom to wash my hands in the kitchen sink, or to brush my teeth in the kitchen sink, all the time. That’s just me. But other than that, I liked it. And the price was right–$5,950, and they would be willing to store it for free for me until April. So…why didn’t I jump at it?? The weight. Its dry weight was already 3897 lbs, and with full tow capacity, the dealer estimated it would be about 5600 lbs. Meaning I’d need a vehicle with at least 6000 lbs towing capacity, and honestly, I’m not comfortable with having an engine working so hard. So, when push came to shove, and Dan helped me with my pro/con list and talking over my priorities (he let me come to all my own conclusions), I decided to not go for this one. The right one will come to me, he keeps assuring me. I believe him. I’ve just got to get better at the patience thing. As in, getting some….the only thing stopping me from going out and buying an RV right now, is: where do I put it?? 🙂

I have to admit…I’m really loving the idea of a molded fiberglass travel trailer like a Casita or a Scamp these days…yes, I know they are smaller, but they are lightweight, and there’s no unfolding to do, and they’re white on the inside (white is a big thing to me, I hate the look of all wood, especially dark wood.)  Whenever I sit inside of a travel trailer, I try to imagine where each of my animals would feel most comfortable, and where I would put the litterbox(es), so that I wouldn’t trip over them. My friend Dan suggested I take a bunch of stuffed animals with me and throw them all over the place to get an idea of what it would be like with all the furballs. He may just be onto something, LOL.

I have to admit, every time I go to look at RVs, it’s like another part of the dream is becoming real, slowly, oh, so slowly…I’m getting there…

I know that some of you out there are RVers, so I’d love to hear your thoughts (and even if you’re not RVers, please feel free to comment.)

As always, if you’ve liked this post, please hit like or subscribe! 🙂

 

Why I Keep On Keeping On: Life is Just Too Short

Terri

A friend of mine posted a video on Facebook earlier today and it just reaffirmed my decision to keep taking steps every day toward realizing my dream. Even if some days it’s just a small step, it still counts. Because some days, you take huge steps. Like this past Monday, when I went to five different RV dealers so I could take a look at a variety of travel trailers. Some conventional, some expandable. I’ll explain what conclusions those visits helped me come to in a later post, but first, I want to share this video with you:

Woman with Terminal Brain Cancer Decides to End Her Life Nov. 1  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0eVum0weKg

When I hear stories like this, and think of how many more years I have been fortunate to live than someone like this woman, it makes me feel a few different emotions: gratitude (there but for the grace of God, go I); sympathy for this woman and her family; regret at having wasted so many years of my life living the way I thought I *should* live it, thinking that the only measure of success in this world was to achieve the conventional ideas of what is a successful life. You know, being married, having a house, a good paying and stable job, etc.

“Seize the Day. What’s Important to You? What Do You Care About? What Matters? Forget the Rest.”

These are all statements made by Brittany Maynard toward the end of this video.  Think about them, and I mean, really think about them. And then, do something about them.

I spent so many years of my life just *thinking* about what I might want to do, but that’s all I ever did was think about my dreams. Didn’t take any action beyond the dreaming part. I kept myself in debt. Kept trying to ignore that little nudge my insides would give me when I felt like something was missing, but was too afraid to really figure out what that was.  What I knew was safe, and safe was supposed to be ok. It was supposed to be enough. And a few years ago, it just wasn’t.

A few years ago, I was terrified I couldn’t make a go of things on my own. But I did. I have been terrified to make mistakes in the past, and let myself stay rooted in place. Toward the end of this summer, as you know, I bought a scooter. It was a mistake, and one that really stressed me out there for a few weeks and I felt a lot of self-loathing for having been so stupid. And then I realized I was beating myself up for being human. I made a mistake. I could keep beating myself up about it, or I could learn from it, and try to move forward. (And hope that I can sell it in the spring when people are more likely to buy one.)

Life is too short to keep beating yourself up. So, don’t do it. Life is too short for fear to be given the power to hold you in one place. So don’t let it. Life is too short to keep caring what other people think about you and let their opinions form the way you life your life. So stop caring.  Life is too short to waste it by doing things you don’t want to do. So stop doing them. Start doing what you want to do. Start doing what you love. Start doing what makes you happy.  

When you’re outside and see something beautiful, really take it in. Really absorb it and see how it makes your heart feel. How it expands. How it makes you feel at peace. That’s what I do when I hear the wind blowing through the leaves of the trees. That’s what I do when I see the waves the wind causes on the reservoir while out walking with Osito.  It’s why I get such a huge smile on my face when I see my 13 year old, blind dog start running on our walk, with no fear whatsoever.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to look at freelance jobs for research and writing. Because they are two things I’m good at, and want to be able to do next year when I’m living on the road. And to read a book that has really sucked me in, because it’s something I love to do. Read, and expand my mind.  Reading takes me into another world. It’s something I would like to do for others.  And I write this blog now because it’s something  I love to do. Writing is cathartic to me. It helps me to say things I might not otherwise be able to express. And to connect with others, hopefully.

Thank you so much for reading. Please leave me a comment below if you have any thoughts on the topic, or hit like or subscribe.

 

Little Things for Which I am Thankful (go hug your mom)

Terri

purpleflower

I like watching documentaries, and I like finding things to see for free. Sometimes the documentaries are not necessarily the most uplifting, but it’s those documentaries that can be grounding.

I know that my mom and I didn’t always have the best relationship. In fact, I stopped talking to her for about 8 months after my split from my ex-husband. I felt like she just couldn’t understand me and what I was going through, since I had been the person to leave the marriage, and not the other way around. I should explain – I grew up in a single parent household after I was about 8, and we lived with my mom. Our dad was still in our lives, but she had us most of the time.  At the time that it was just us four and the dog, she had been out of the workforce for about 12 years, and only had a high school education.

(Note, my use of the term “only” is non-judgmental, I am using it in comparison to my father’s bachelors and masters. I do not look down on anyone who didn’t go to college. In fact, sometimes, I think those people are much smarter than me, as they don’t have the student loans I still have all these years after I am out of school. My current salary may (or may not) be higher, but so much of it goes out the window every month for payments, that I definitely don’t live like someone probably would who made my salary without debts.)

The two documentaries I ran across were produced by HBO, but you can see them for free on YouTube.

HBO Documentaries: Paycheck to Paycheck

HBO Documentaries: American Winter

The reason I bring up my mom is because of a line in the Paycheck to Paycheck movie. She mentions things that you do if you’re a mom. You give up things so that your kids are taken care of. And I know my mom gave up a lot. She was in her mid-40s at the time and started cleaning houses so she could work and be home when we came home from school. And, for a while, she kept her working as a housecleaner secret from us. At the time, I thought it was because of shame, but I could be wrong. Let me just tell you, when you are in your 40s, like she was, your body can’t keep up to that kind of work for a really long time, especially if you weren’t in really good physical shape to start with. (Mind you, she wasn’t overweight but she wasn’t in shape to run marathons either. She was like most people her age.)

So anyway, instead of writing up a list today, I’m just going to leave this post at my being thankful for my mom and for having raised me the way she did. None of us ever got into drugs. We know the value of a dollar. We are self-respecting adults. She taught us to be hard workers. Actually, she (along with my grandma) taught us a lot of things. I don’t know if she will ever read this, but I’ll just say thank you, Mom, I think you “done good.” 🙂

As always, if you have liked this post, please hit like or subscribe, or join me on facebook!

Ah, that consumer lifestyle…

Terri
This makes an appearance at the reservoir every year. Is it a dredger?
This makes an appearance at the reservoir every year. Is it a dredger?

Or, the way I used to be, but no more!!

Four years ago, I paid out about $3K per month and that was before I had eaten. How, you ask? Well, $1250 for rent, $900 for my half of a mortgage payment, and $900 in student loan payments. Yep, that’s a whole lot of cash going out the door. It left me with about $500 for the month, and that was to cover food, utilities (I mean, CABLE was a must!!), car repairs, etc. Not to mention that I was also fighting through the stages of unmedicated clinical depression, and add in the turmoil of a marital split after 11 years together, and you don’t get a frugal person. You get someone who doesn’t want to sit home because then that forces you to sit with your thoughts. And who wants to do that when all you feel is guilt, a heavy heart and lots and lots of self doubt? No, you want to go out and shop. Read more →

I want to do this..wait, no, that…wait, no this!!! (Decisions, decisions)

Terri

photo (32)

When you tell someone you have this dream of living in an RV, you usually get a few of the expected responses. Some are afraid for you, because, as you already know, you’re a single person. How will you support yourself? How will you stay safe? How will you drive it? You’re a little person after all!  Even last week, a friend of mine said “why can’t you just move into an apartment somewhere new? You won’t have a guy with you.” I was like “um, you’re telling ME that I won’t be with a guy, and that’s why I should be worried….” Of course this friend of mine , who I love dearly, watches a lot of true crime shows. As a single person, more specifically, a woman, I don’t need to remind myself of all the sickness in the world. All I can do is prepare myself as best as I can for whatever each day throws at me.  And well, my friend must have momentarily forgotten that I can be like the Tasmanian Devil as one of my friends nicknamed me. But in a good way (of course.)

Others are very excited for you, and some are even wistful, maybe wishing that they could do the same, or at least experience some of that feeling of freedom from the drudgery of the routine of day to day life. Now, before you think I have gone off into la-la land and think it’s going to be all roses and petunias, trust me, I don’t. I know there are going to be problems along the way. I know there will be times when I worry about money (ok, I already do that….), and repairs, etc. But I also know I can’t wait forever. I guess it’s kind of like what they say about having kids – if you wait until you are ready and have enough money, it’ll never happen.

So, I keep reading RV blogs and RV forums, etc., and watching YouTube videos of people living in their RVs, trying to learn as much as I can. I’ve subscribed to the Dreamers portion of the Workampernews.com website so I can learn as much as possible about that way of life and see if it’s viable for me. I like the idea of being able to work some place seasonally, see the region and learn different skills that I won’t get by sitting in an office every day. But at the same time, the idea of not necessarily being in one place all year round is a bit scary. Will I be lonely? Will I be able to secure enough work for myself far enough in advance and even more important, will it pay enough to allow me to pay for my expenses?

I know that I would like to be able to either work outdoors or work in an area that is beautiful and has places I can escape to on my time off. I know I want to be more connected to the natural world than I am now. So, I think about going to school for something like that, but then I hear from others that it is more important, sometimes, to get on the job training rather than learning a lot from books. And a big part of me agrees with that. And what if I spend all this money on more schooling and don’t end up making any more in some job than someone who didn’t spend all those bucks?

I have been thinking of attending an outdoor school but the price tag is a bit scary at $10,350. That’s about 2/3 of the balance of the LAL loan I’ve been fighting so hard to get rid of. (Oh, and drum roll please, with my most recent payment, the balance should be BELOW $15K!!!!!!!!!!)  I cannot tell you how much I want and NEED that loan to be gone by the time I go on the road. It will make such a huge difference, and be a great weight off of my shoulders. To have part of my law school education paid off, FINALLY.  It’s a loan I thought I would have until I turned 54. Can you imagine? Yes, it is like a freaking mortgage, but let’s not get me started going down that lane.

I do have a concern about getting work – when I tried to get out of the legal law firm world many years ago, I faced so much hesitation on the part of employers. After all, I had this law degree….why would I ever not want to do something in that world? Wasn’t it such a glamorous life?? (Um, in a word, NOOOOOO). And not all lawyers get paid the big bucks like everyone thinks.   But that fear is again creeping up – I am worried that people will think I wouldn’t possibly take a job that pays less than $15 an hour, or who knows, even less… (Many workamping positions don’t pay highly because they are something akin to entry level positions.)  But can I be honest? It would be REALLY nice to leave my work at work, both mentally and physically, for a change. And if I could spend some of my time living in a gorgeous area of the country, say, the Olympic Peninsula, or the Grand Canyon, well, trust me, I can find stuff to do that’s not going to cost me anything, or very little.

So, as you can see, I feel like I am all over the place. I like the NW but wonder what kind of seasonal jobs there would be to had, if I went that route? And what happens if I start having to pay more on my federal loans? How will I afford them? What about the fact that I will be taxed at a higher bracket for 2015 than I will in 2016, but not making the same type of wage I am now making in 2014? (My thought on that is to save extra for the tax bill while I am working in my full time and part time jobs so that I don’t get stuck when filing my 2015 taxes.)  So, yes…I am a planner. But from what I am reading online, that’s a trait that will help me when my home becomes an RV.

By chance, I came across an interview on youtube the other day of this blogger, at Interstellar Orchard and I’ve been reading through many of her posts, because it seems like every question I might come up with, she has had to deal with. She makes it on seasonal employment but she didn’t start out with the debt that I have. But I know she knows of others who have. I just like her very pragmatic approach to tackling problems and the type of lifestyle she is  leading. And she seems very down to earth. If you are even considering this lifestyle, I suggest you head on over to her blog and check it out.

Anyway, this post has already grown much longer than I expected it to, so thanks for listening/reading if you’ve made it this far.

 

A Little Bit Stronger

Terri

I thought that the first three years after my divorce were really hard. Especially the first one, when at first I tried to fight depression completely on my own without medication. Then, I met someone and fell in love and felt my heart open up a little bit again, and thought, hey maybe I can be happy with someone again. Then, it ended. Read more →

Survivalism vs. Minimalism – can you have both?

Terri
Can't wait to see the colors in the sky and the reflections on the water like this again. Spring, come to me!!
Can’t wait to see the colors in the sky and the reflections on the water like this again. Spring, come to me!!

This is a question I’ve been grappling with lately. Don’t ask me why – I’m not sure exactly what got me started on this. Maybe it was finding a few youtube videos by this guy, the MainePrepper, and realizing he’s not a complete nutbag who thinks that his views are the only possible views out there in the world, or maybe because I am the granddaughter of someone who lived through the Great Depression, and always had her “reserve” cabinet of food in her house, even in the early 2000s.

I definitely want to get rid of extra stuff in my life. But I also want to be prepared for emergencies or disasters, too. Thing is, my $ sources are not unlimited, and my space is somewhat limited too, living in an apartment. And my plan is to live in a small home/rv/manufactured home, etc., so it’s not like that space is going to get any bigger from what I have now… Read more →

Notes to my Younger Self

Terri

blueskyI read a great book by Susannah Conway, titled This I Know: Notes on Unraveling the Heart. In it, she mentions writing notes to her younger self, and older self, and it got me to thinking of what I would write to my younger self. Susannah’s writing is so genuine, and I found myself bookmarking so many pages on my Kindle, it was kind of like “why don’t I just bookmark every single page while I’m at it?”

So, here goes nothing…

Dear Terri,

You’re only 16, and today’s the day you decided “you know everything there is to know about the world, and no one can tell you otherwise.” Oh….you simply have no idea.

When your mom tells you to stop eating that cookie or you’re going to get fat, don’t let it influence how you eat for the next few years. Don’t go days without eating. It’s not healthy. And she probably didn’t realize how much that one statement was going to have on you and your self image. She was just having a bad day.

Your sister isn’t perfect, she’s just older than you are. Believe me when I tell you, she has her own self-doubts to deal with.

You don’t have to wear a suit to be successful. You might think that only people who wear business attire are successful in this world, but you would be wrong. And when your mom goes over financial aid forms for law school with you and asks, in a serious tone, “do you realize it will cost you $90,000 to attend this one school?” You need to really think about the answer. Don’t just assume you will be making all the big bucks when you’re done. In fact, don’t even assume you will stay in that field for as long as it took you to earn that degree. Because you won’t. And you will search for that perfect career for a long time.  “Older You” is still working on it.

You’re 16, and you think your one true love just broke up with you this year and that life is now over. You would be partly correct. He may have been your one true love, or at least your first true love, but life will go on.

When you get to be in your twenties and it seems like everyone else has their act together and is getting married, and you’re being left behind, just know you’re not. The twenties suck, plain and simple. You don’t have a clue as to who you are, what you want to be, how you want to live your life.

Aside from your divorce, (oops, should I not have said that? Bet you’re wondering who that guy will be, huh?) your thirties will be awesome compared to the suck-ass twenties. Unfortunately, your body will change so that you won’t be able to drink everything you want to like you did in law school without gaining weight from it, but you will finally get a sense of who you are. And you’ll start to care less about what others think of you. That is, until you get divorced anyway, and then you worry about being alone for the rest of your life, and will anyone ever love you again? They will, but not until you stop hating and blaming yourself for everything that went wrong. You weren’t married to yourself, so don’t put it all on your shoulders.

When you’re nearing 40, don’t dread it. Embrace it. And when the thought enters your mind to work out like a crazy person so that you get into the best shape of your life, go for it. Because you will. And because you are strong.  Remember that, because many times in your life, you may have your doubts about that.

Don’t try to act younger, just be yourself. You can go after those young hotties if you want, but just know that they are at a much different stage in their life as you and they won’t be able to handle you, for sure. It will be flattering, of course, but there won’t be any substance there, and don’t try to see something that simply doesn’t exist.

When you hit 40, you might fall in love with someone very different from you. You’ll maybe lose yourself in his dreams there for a little bit, but don’t lose yourself and what your heart has always yearned for.  A good relationship involves compromise from both of you.  When it ends, hold onto the good moments and work through those feelings of loss and loneliness. Because you will feel them, that is for sure. But, remember that you’re not broken.  Remember that your heart has always healed in the past and it will do so again.

When someone tells you that some people think of them as a jerk, believe them and be on the lookout for signs that they may be that way toward you.

Don’t ever attempt to change people.  Know that it takes so much more energy to hate than to be indifferent. Know that you don’t have to live a life just like everyone else – it’s ok to be different. Recognize true friends when you see them in front of you – if you feel you have to act a certain way when around someone and can’t always be yourself, that’s probably not a true friend.

Live each day to the fullest. Because you never know if one day, you might step out off the curb and get run over by a bus. Or, you might live until you’re in your nineties. I’m betting on you living for a very long time.

p.s. You are NOT the crazy cat lady until you have 10 cats. 🙂