I mentioned in a recent post that one of my happy places is the Peace River Wildlife Center where I volunteer on the weekend as a tour guide. I love that I get to be around beautiful animals but cannot be tempted to bring them home with me because well, it’s illegal to have wildlife in your home as a pet. And if you’ve taken a look at The Herd page, well, you know I really don’t have room for more!! Nor can I afford to take care of any more!
PRWC is a small wildlife rehab center and sanctuary that does amazing work for the budget that it has. It is run on private donations and most of the folks that greet visitors are volunteers such as myself but there are some paid staff such as the wildlife rehabilitator and techs and an office manager/volunteer coordinator/she of many hats! I find that as I am learning more about the animals and the organization, my time at PRWC is becoming more and more important to me each week. I truly look forward to the hours I spend there, and have now joined their outreach team. (The photos below that were taken with humans around were from an outreach event about a week ago.)
If you’d like to help PRWC’s cause (or any one of a number non-profits like them), then when you shop on Amazon, go instead to Amazon Smile and pick the charitable organization of your choice. At no extra cost to you, that charity will get a small percentage of the cost of your items donated to them. It may only be pennies at a time but over time, believe me, it can add up.
Down here in Florida, I am fortunate to see a lot of wildlife so I am sharing some in this post that I have seen since I’ve moved here along with some photos of ambassador animals from PRWC. The ambassadors go to outreach events to let people know about the center and serve as great sources of education and inspiration for anyone who is able to see them up close.
By the way, these brown pelicans shown below were waiting for a fisherman who was cleaning off some fish, to throw them scraps. PSA: fisherman should not throw them parts of fish. If there are any bones sticking out, it can really do a number on ripping up their throat when they eat it. It’s best for a pelican to eat a fish whole.
So that’s it for this post. I plan on adding more information to the Animal Rights and Welfare Groups page and have some thoughts about adding an Educational Resources/Tools page to this blog. (You really can take the girl out of the library but not the library out of the girl.) Let me know what you think about that, and I hope that you enjoy these photos and the little bits of information I was able to share!
Oh, I wish I was talking about me!! Today is Wednesday. Hump Day. So, I thought you might like an overdose of cuteness to get you through the day. You can thank The Herd, aka the laziest supervisors ever, for their willingness to work so hard at sleeping and relaxing. It’s a hard job but someone has to do it, right?
I’ve been wanting to write for the past couple days and this is a faster one to get up here for you to remind you that no, I’m not dead. 🙂 My hardest decision about this post is which picture to make as The Designated Picture!
So without further adieu, here are some photos of The Herd, doing what they do best, other than pooping and eating. (And yes, Steel, the German Shepherd, who is an honorary member of the Herd until May 2020, when his dad (my roommate) and I will go our separate ways, has even joined in on the fun.) Many were taken from my office. While I slave away to make enough money to put food in their bowls on the floor (dogs) or on the dresser (cats, in order to keep it away from the dogs), they all work soooo hard. #notesarcasm
But yes….they really are my reason for existing and for living.
What is your reason for living and for working so hard? Drop me a comment below and share, if you can, pictures of your babies!!
First, I just wanted to say a big thank you to those of you who commented on my last post, whether it be through here or on my personal Facebook page. I felt a lot of love, knowing some of you were still out there, reading whatever I have to say. So, thank you. Because of you, and how I felt that day after writing, I will continue to write.
I have a friend who is also my personal finance accountability partner, Liz. When we are thinking of making some financial choices, we bounce them off of each other. Our financial situations are very different – she lives in D.C. and makes a very good salary and JUST PAID OFF MORE THAN 100K IN STUDENT LOAN DEBT! But as you can imagine, her living expenses are much higher due to the geographical area. I make peanuts but we realize we have made different decisions about how our lives are going right now. I will say it’s great that she also loves what she does.
Okay. I’ll get to the point. She calculated how much extra I needed to earn these next few months to be able to pay off what I estimate will be owed on my taxes. At first, I said I didn’t think I could do it. Surprisingly, this month, I think I did it. Yay! I had let my own thoughts limit me in the past in what I could achieve. However, I am FREAKING exhausted. So I have given myself today to not do any work at all. Just read, blog, and volunteer at the Peace River Wildlife Center, which has become my happy place on the weekends when I am not traveling to see my boyfriend.
I took a walk through an eco-preserve near me the other day. It’s a place where I normally jog, oh so slowly. Thursday is usually reserved for a spin class at 9 a.m. but my body and mind was just exhausted so I decided to just walk it and I was so happy to pull into the parking area and see that I was all alone, save for the park employee cleaning the bathrooms. I hope you enjoy the pictures scattered throughout this post. These images, seared into my memory, helped me get through the past two days of work. Apologies for not being a better photographer.
Wherever I end up after this lease is up in May, I will find another beautiful place that heals me. I was inspired to take this walk after seeing this YouTube video from Jane Berkel. Her channel is Simple Living Mind Body Home. I find Jane’s voice to be so calming. (Shout out to Double Digit Single Woman or DDSW for short, for turning me onto this lady’s channel. Btw, DDSW has also paid off over $150K in student loans!)
While I was walking, thoughts of work and finances occasionally made their way into my head but I pushed them out of the way. I thought to myself how nature, these trees, these leaves and the birds I could hear in the distance didn’t care about any of that. They existed anyway. Like that moment many years ago when I realized I could choose to be unhappy and feel a lot of pain every day, or I could choose to forgive myself for whatever wrong decisions or mistakes I had made, I realized I had a choice to make that day and every day.
The choice is mine. I can choose to be stressed or I can choose to be in the moment. I chose to just absorb all the beauty around me.
Once again, many moons or months have passed since my last post. I’ve started quite a few since then, only to never finish them. I start writing and then I think, who even cares to read my drivel anymore? And is there anyone even out there still reading anything I write? It’s not like I’ve been consistent lately. (Understatement of the year.)
Since I’ve been doing transcription full-time, it is hard for me to rationalize writing on here and then typing about 70 pages a day. I know I should start the writing before the transcribing, because sometimes my fingers literally hurt at the end of the day. So maybe write posts on the days that I am mainly just audio proofing and therefore not typing so much? Anyway, it’s hard to believe I’ve been self-employed now for over a year. 15 months as of February to be exact.
Well, The Herd has grown by one since my last writing. Her name is Babs and she is a gorgeous calico cat whose previous fur mom died. Her human sister and I had a mutual friend who posted her picture and story on Facebook and one thing led to another. And well, Babs traveled across the country from LA to Jacksonville, Florida, where I picked her up and drove her back down to the Ft. Myers area. You know how I love my senior furballs.
As I mentioned in my last post, I am looking to move in May sometime as our lease is up at the end of that month. Thinking very seriously about the St. Pete/Clearwater area and its environs. Cheaper to live, more liberal and more people around my age. Down here there are a lot of 20-somethings and then there are a bunch of much older folks, like those who have been able to retire and live off of their savings or pensions or what have you. Really hard to make friends when you work at home and aren’t into the bar scene. I do volunteer at a wildlife center on the weekends when I am in town and I love it. But it’s not really a great way to make lasting friends since the volunteers change a lot on the weekends.
I have been dating someone now for the past few months. Yay! He’s about 5 yrs older than me and is very positive with his mindset. Also into fitness. Another yay! He lives north of Orlando. Boo! But he has two sons in the St. Pete/Clearwater area, so many times we meet halfway for both of us, around St. Pete. Or, I go up his way for a weekend, since I can take my work with me and he usually works 6 days a week due to staff shortages. (He works as a fitness director.) Oh, and he’s liberally minded and open to eating vegan or vegetarian food when he’s with me. Yay! Neither one of us makes a lot of money so it’s good that we like to spend time in parks, going for walks/visiting the beach, etc. We plan to go indoor rock climbing together in Tampa the next time we are up there.
The finances — eh, they’re there. Still working on improving them and increasing my income. Working with several different companies is helping in that I never have a shortage of work. I also learn about different types of proceedings and how they need to be transcribed, as well as from different jurisdictions. I won’t bore you with the details, but it does make my work more interesting as well.
So that’s about all that has changed. I have realized that being a nomad is just too difficult when you have as many furballs as me. I can’t afford nor would I want to drive around a huge Class A at this point. A Class C might work, but I would always be terrified about any of them getting out or being unhappy, and that is no way to live. Plus, living the RV life isn’t always that cheap, and I really do love being near the water. Even if you live somewhere inland like where my boyfriend lives, you are still just an hour away from a huge body of water like the Atlantic. To do the RV thing more cheaply means you live in the desert southwest or where there is a lot of BLM land, and I really need the greenery that I have around me here. I have come to realize that. I do miss the wide open spaces of the southwest though.
There are always compromises, aren’t there?
Anyway, I wanted to write this post while I had the ambition to do so, and while my hands weren’t hurting from typing 15-20,000 words in a day. Yes, you read that right. Not a typo.
Thank you to Dawn from Change is Hard for inspiring me to write this evening, after dropping a comment on my blog letting me know she was thinking about me. I admire her ability to blog so consistently. And if you haven’t read her blog or seen her pictures, well, you’re really missing something.
Again, I do want to write more. It’s just hard when you feel like you don’t have much to say, or you do feel like you have something to say but feel the need to earn an income for your furballs and put a bowl of food on the floor for them. Life, right? I’m not complaining. I love working from home and watching my babies sleep (seemingly all day, lol.)
Sooo much sleeping goes on during the day here. Sometimes I even join them. It cracks me up to go lay down on my bed and then hear the pitter patter of little feet as they wake up from their naps, only to realize that Mom has moved. So they pick their bodies up, stretch, and then come in and lay back down next to me. Sometimes, the bed is very crowded… LOL.
Anyway, I feel like I sound like a broken record when I say that I am sorry for the long lengths of time between posts. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. At least some of the photos were cute, right?
That is a very good and very loaded question. As you know, I’m back in Florida because the cold in the northeast was too much for me to handle after being away from it for a few years. Apologies in advance if this post seems a bit disjointed but I hope you like the pictures. I’m trying to work through some things that keep bouncing around in my mind. Writing helps to clarify them sometimes. So here goes….
I have been working hard at the legal transcription, working for a few different companies as a 1099. They pay better than the one I have been working with the past year or so. When you type as much as I do, 25 cents/page more can really add up in terms of how much you make every week. So I work hard and I make my deadlines and in so doing, create a good reputation for myself with those folks.
To put it bluntly, they haven’t been great since I left my job at Harvard. Toward the end of my time in Boston, I didn’t have credit cards. When I decided to move to Utah, I got myself one, “just in case.” Dumb move on my part. I now have two cards that are almost maxed out (one only got to that point a month or two ago when my Sophie cost me $3K at the vet when she had to get an MRI.) I owe my roommate about $1K from when we moved in (we owed first, last and security deposit plus an un-refundable pet deposit which really added up.) The credit cards are at 20% and 15%. They are just killing me with the interest.
So I know that some may disagree with this decision, but I have decided to take money out of my retirement to pay it all off. Yes, I know it has long-term consequences. I hate myself for taking from my future self. But with the rate of interest I am paying now, I see this as the best thing to do. My retirement funds aren’t earning 20% per month.
We are also withholding money to handle the tax bill when it comes — borrowing from myself before I’m 59 1/2 means the amount distributed gets imputed to me as income for the year and I also pay a 10% penalty on the amount withdrawn. I have about $212K in retirement right now and am taking a distribution of about $19,900 in total. Living in Florida, I only pay federal income tax, thankfully. So that will help for sure, come tax time. My plan is to then close out the credit cards, one by one. (They’ve been in the freezer for about 6 weeks now.) I will probably keep my Care Credit card just for pet emergencies and even then, I’d rather stab a fork in my eye than have to use it.
Once the cards are paid off, I am going to focus on building up my savings for a few months and then start paying extra on either my car or my private student loan. The car loan is below $2K at this point, and I have a very good interest rate of about 3.9%. My payment is roughly $142/month. The private loan is down to about $8900 and because the rate is variable, it is up to about 5.25% right now. My payment is about $97/month.
My federal loan payments are based on my income, so I pay about $10/month for each one (two total). Yes, the payments are strung out for years and years, but I’m fine with that trade-off because it allows me to live my life. And when I look at how much I have paid back over the years, trust me, the federal government has gotten a lot of money paid back from me — the principal amount borrowed and then A LOT in addition.
I am also starting up a Roth IRA because all of my other retirement savings are what we call tax-deferred, so when I do start taking money out on a regular basis, I’ll get hit with the taxes at that point. With a Roth, I’ve already paid the taxes so distributions later on will be tax free. (If you’re reading this from outside the US, I realize this may not make sense at all. My country is screwed up, what can I say?)
I really don’t spend much money at all, other than on food for myself, my animals, and to put gas in my car. The other day I did buy a yearly parking sticker for Lee County which cost $60, but now I can park at many nature preserves and some beaches and not have to worry about feeding meters. Knowing how much I plan to use these spaces in the upcoming year, I know it’s a good choice for me. I really do love my time spent outside in nature, hearing the birds sing or listening to the wind ruffle through the trees around me, hearing the waves crash onto the shore.
I go to the library a lot to work (when I want to be around people), and to check out books (yes, I still like the hard copy feel in my hands.) So that’s free and doesn’t cost me anything other than the cost of gas to get there. And I don’t go every day because I have my own home office at this duplex and the animals all tend to congregate with me anyway, and that is a super calming feeling.
Living plans for next year:
I do have a roommate and for reasons I won’t go into on here, I know we will be going our separate ways next year when the lease is up. So I’m planning ahead and considering my options. Do I move someplace cheaper and smaller with my animals? Perhaps. Do I somehow buy a trailer and finally pull the cord and do the nomadic thing? Working remotely as a transcriptionist will allow me to do that. But I would likely need to get another vehicle if I do that — one that can tow even a small trailer or a Class B type vehicle.
If it were just me and I didn’t have my furballs to feed and care for, I would be happy with just a small teardrop trailer, honestly. But it’s not just me. There are three, albeit senior, cats to worry about as well as my two small pups. I want them to be comfortable. The cats are approximately 14, 13 and somewhere between 12-15 in age. (With Honey Bun, we’re not totally sure of her age.) Snuggles is roughly 10-12ish and I was told Sophie was 7 last year, but I have my doubts as to the accuracy of that. I think she’s younger.
Being able to work from home, I see what they do all day. They sleep, eat, drink water and poop. Sophie plays with Steel (my roommate’s German Shepherd, on whom I think she has developed a crush; it’s so cute), but even then there’s a whole lot of sleeping going on. Even so, I want them to have enough space to feel comfortable.
However, I don’t want something that is built like crap and gets terrible gas mileage. And let’s be honest, most RVs are built like crap. And I am not a handy person, to say the least. So whatever I go with, I want it to be pretty simple, because let’s face it, I’m a simple person when it comes down to it. I’m considering the Wee Roll campers which are made in Florida, among others. They are lightweight, would allow me to stand up, can have an AC built in (necessary with animals), aluminum, and over-constructed from what I have read about them. I like the sound of all of that.
I have been considering trying to see a lot of national parks. Living in the southwest, although I was far from the ocean, I was able to see some amazing ones, and lived super close to Zion National Park. (It blows my mind to this day how close by I was, and yes, I did take advantage of it.) I have been reading different books about them, and want to really see more of this beautiful country. I’ve never seen the Grand Tetons, or Olympic National Park and the forests near there. I’ve never seen the Badlands. So many different mountain ranges in this country that I’ve never seen, or only seen from the window of a plane.
I want to live simply. I want to see things before I die. I am happy being with myself as my own company. Yes, I sometimes feel lonely, but that happens with everyone. I like my freedom, not having to respond to an invitation to hang out (when it rarely does happen, lol) by saying I have to check with my partner’s schedule first. (Maybe this just means I haven’t met that perfect person for me yet. Who knows?)
And honestly, I feel like I was put on this earth to make an impact, in some way, shape or form. I want to improve at my writing and taking photographs of the landscapes I see around me. I want to share that with others. After having read the book, Before They’re Gone, I want to see different parts of this beautiful country I call home and share it with others, be it through my writing or photography. (The book is about an outdoor writer who takes his family to several national parks over the course of a year and interweaves his thoughts and research about global climate change and its effects on the parks throughout. I highly recommend it.) Mandy Lea Photo has been very inspiring to me in that vein as well. I’ve followed her on YouTube for a long time now.
But I also want to be environmentally conscious, and is my traipsing around everywhere pulling a trailer or driving a Class B or van responsible in that vein? That’s also led me to thinking about living in an intentional community type situation. It’s something I have thought about a lot over the years. Dancing Rabbit is an example of one. However, then I would have to stay in one place, and I need to do some soul searching to see if that’s really the right thing for me to do at this point in my life. Many of them allow visitors (Dancing Rabbit even has a visitor program or internship program set up), to allow people to see if it really is a good fit for them or not.
So I hope that will happen next year, but if I need a bit more time to do it in a financially stable way, I will take that time if needed. I’ve made some rash decisions these past few years and they have cost me financially.
I’m still trying to find my way, folks. I wish I had all the answers. But then, I wouldn’t have challenges or self-discovery to work through and life would be boring, right?
It’s all about the journey, right? Thanks for reading, and especially for sticking with me if you are a longtime reader. I’m working back to writing more regularly.
*Disclosure: some of the links in this post may be affiliate links.
No, the blog isn’t dead. It’s just been on ….. life support, I guess you could say these past several months. I am so sorry everyone. Let me just catch you up on what has gone on in my life, as succintly as I can, over the last (gulp) 10 months. Read more →
I’ve been obsessed with the idea of living simply and living in a tiny house for many years now, way before it became trendy. Thinking about living in a tiny home helps me to stop myself from buying things I “want” but don’t necessarily need. Kind of like when I was getting ready to move cross country. The way I made decisions about what to keep and what to get rid of was to ask myself, “was there room for both this thing and my animals in the car?” The animals were definitely going – that was not even a question. It was more a question of whether there was room for this additional thing.
So now I sit and think to myself – is this object I’m perusing, be it a second-hand shirt or pillowcase, or whatever, something that I would definitely want to move into a tiny house when I finally achieve that dream? Or when I move into a small bachelor-type apartment? If I can’t picture it, I don’t buy it. Do I already have something at home that can fill the “need” it would otherwise cover? Usually, the answer is yes.
When I first got out of law school, I should have done what I advise all students to do now. When you get out of school, don’t live any differently. Continue to live like a student while you pay off your debts and get started with your life. Just because you’re no longer in school doesn’t mean your home needs to look like it just walked off the pages of Dwell magazine.
So these days, I live frugally. Like a student. I have a roommate and it’s a one bedroom apartment, so my bed is in the living room and I’m totally fine with that. Every morning when I wake up, I look at the Sandia Mountains to the east of Albuquerque. It’s a beautiful view, especially when the clouds are so low they obscure the tops of the peaks. I have a large picture window that lets in lots of light.
Speaking of beds, mine is on a platform of milk crates. Guess what? It’s pretty supportive on my back. It’s also a good way of creating some built-in storage in a very inexpensive way. My mattress cost me all of $129 from Walmart, and I bought it online so didn’t have to deal with transporting it in my small car. It came in a box and once it was opened, my roommate rolled it open, and voila, in an hour or so, it was ready to go up on top of said milk crates. And instead of buying heavy, hard to move bookcases, I have, guess what? Milk crates! When you have to move, you just turn them, your stuff is in them, and voila, no need to get lots of extra boxes to pack your stuff in, because it’s already packed!
You know those plastic white bin type of drawers you can get at Walmart or Target? I bought those to organize my stuff in the fifth wheel I owned in Utah. Still got ’em. The old me of several years ago would have gotten rid of them as soon as I could afford a nice “dresser.” But you know what? It’s hard to move heavy furniture on your own and when you have a small hatchback type car. Plus, these white drawers can be configured in a multitude of ways. I can see everything I have in them. When they’re too full of crap, it’s time to downsize. Looking at them now, I see that yes, it’s time for me to get rid of stuff again. You really do only wear 20% of your stuff, 80% of the time.
I’ve been thinking of what I would want in a tiny house. I honestly don’t need much, aside from room for me and my animals. I think about whether I would want a flush toilet or a composting toilet. To not have to deal with a black tank would be awesome, so I’d likely go with the composting toilet. I’d like to do solar and have as much of my energy needs filled off the grid.
Would I want my tiny house to be on wheels? I sometimes think so, but then realize a shed that could be insulated, etc., might be a more economical way to go. Just have to find a place to put it (and oh yeah, be able to afford that place/land.) So I have begun to save. It’s a small amount right now, but that online savings account is named “Tiny Home.”
You might wonder how all of my animals will fit into a tiny home. If my roommate and I go our separate ways, Morgan will likely stay with him. She does very well with training – her brain likes to be challenged, and she helps him in a great therapy-type way. He has PTSD and a few other problems from having been in the army and Iraq. Also, since Snuggles is so possessive/obsessive of me, he has become “her human.” (It is a trait of weiner-dogs to be super possessive.) Morgan adores him to the moon! Yes, I’m her momma and the one who feeds her, but he’s the one who takes her on lots of walks, and snuggles with her and plays with her in the yard during the day when I’m at work. When he is feeling down, she stays close to him. Every time she hugs him, I see the bond that has formed between them. It makes my heart feel good.
So in closing, if you started reading my blog because of my tiny house posts, never fear, I’m still very interested in them! I still watch tons of YouTube videos about simple living and tiny houses. Yes, I used to live in an RV and that one didn’t work out for me, but I feel like a tiny home is different and can be made much stronger and much better insulated than that fifth wheel was! I haven’t given up on the tiny living dream, so don’t give up on me!
And yes, in case you’re wondering, I don’t like that they’ve become trendy and that the prices have increased so drastically over the past few years. I think they can still be built economically, and I’m willing to put in the elbow grease on mine, if someone is willing to help me figure out what the hell I’m doing!
Are you interested in living more minimally? In a tiny home? Or an RV? Let me know what you think, what you would prioritize, if you’d want it to be on wheels, etc., in a comment below! And if you’ve liked the post but prefer not to comment, please hit that like button or share it!
One thing I’ve known about in the past but which has really hit home as I pursue the program in humane education is that people react much better to something positive, or something beautiful, something small and simple that they can relate to, rather than an abstract whole world problem, something they have trouble picturing.
So below are my ideas of what are truly moments of beauty:
Reading a facebook post of a friend who has recently become a mom via adoption, after years of trying to become pregnant. She broke down in tears when in a store with her child strapped to her chest, seeing all the Christmas decorations and realizing that this year, she wouldn’t face the holidays with sadness in her heart, but with a feeling of fullness and pure joy.
The turning of the leaves from green to gold and bright red and orange. Realizing that New England doesn’t have a monopoly on beautiful fall foliage, after all.
The amazement you feel at seeing one or two wild sunflowers still finding the courage to grow, weeks after the rest have died.
The warmth of the sun on your face while you lie on your back and look up through the trees at the blue sky above you.
The sound of children playing together at a party in the park, cheering for one little girl who *almost* makes that one perfect hit to the piñata that will grant all of them a good deal of candy.
Seeing your dog literally smiling because she has found a home with people who really love her.
Writing to further my dreams and listening to one of The Herd (Snuggles, to be exact), barking while he’s deep into a dream, nestled at my feet.
What are some moments of beauty that you’ve recently observed or felt in your life? Please feel free to share them in the comments. And if you’ve liked this post, or know someone who might benefit from reading it, please hit “Like” and then share it!
Yesterday was my birthday. My 45th, to be exact. In her card, my mom reminded me that it’s only another 5 years until I hit the big 5-0. Thanks, Mom. Just what I wanted to hear. My sister (who is 47) and I have made a pact to not really talk about the numbers anymore at this stage of our lives. Too depressing. We try to not think about the fact that our two older brothers are 56 and 57 this year. And our baby brother is 43.
At the risk of sounding like a walking cliche, I really don’t feel my age. Maybe it’s because I never had kids and therefore didn’t deal with that kind of stress and exhaustion. (I know having a family is not all bad. It just wasn’t for me.) Maybe it’s because I still have vivid memories of my teenage years, my twenties (when I was an idiot like so many of us were), and of course, my thirties, when I really started to wake up and see who I was as a person. When I started listening to my heart and made big, life-changing decisions.
The boyfriend and I talked the other night and I mentioned how, presently, my outlook on life is to not try to stress out so much over things like overpaying for something by $5-6, because really, it’s not going to matter a year from now. And I’m certainly not taking my money to the grave with me when I die. True, I try to be smart about financial decisions, but I don’t let one mistake ruin my day, or try not to, anyway. I told him, people make decisions based on the information they have available to them at the time, so don’t beat yourself up over what hindsight presently shows you about the past. Best to just learn from it and move on.
Recently, some people whose opinion I really value have told me that what they admire about me is my ability to express myself and be honest about things. (Hope I’m paraphrasing accurately, Pauline and Josh.) They’re from two very different parts of my life, yet they see something in common. So here’s the honest truth about what’s on my mind these days.
Am I happy with my life? Yes, and no. Do I wonder if I made the right decision two years ago to just leave everything and everyone I was familiar with to move thousands of miles away? Yes, quite often. Do I feel like I’ve grown a lot in the past two years in understanding more of what my core values are? A resounding yes. Do I wish I made more money? Yes! (I’m beginning to think there is some truth to the research that says once you make about $50-55K, any increases over that don’t increase your level of happiness as much as they might have done when increasing your income from say $25K-30K and then to 35K.)
Am I enjoying the academic program I’m taking part in with the Institute for Humane Education? Yes, because it’s making me think critically about issues that are important to me. It’s making me look inward and helping me to figure out what direction to take my life in from here.
Notice I said, “what directionto take my life in.” I am not content to let life happen to me. It’s a somewhat uncomfortable place to be in, trying to figure out that direction, and knowing that I may never get it right, but that the real value is in the interim, that space in time and location when I’m trying to figure it all out.
Where do I want to be? Where do I want to end up? In the mountains or near the coast? Do I miss being able to educate others and inspire them to expand on their learning or research skills? Do I miss the change of seasons? Do I like the warmer winters? Do I miss seeing big bodies of water? YES! Am I grateful for having met so many new people over the past two years? YES! Do I still think about doing the nomadic thing at one point in my life? Yes! Do I want a tiny house or the stability of being in one place and being able to create beauty there through my words and a garden? Yes!
Do I want to spend more of my days writing? YESSS!!!! Do I think eventually I can do that? Yes, I WILL make it happen. But how? Do I try to find work through the content mills or do I start pitching ideas to editors or just sit down and force that book or books out of me that I’ve been trying to get out of my head and onto paper?
Lots of contradictions and questions to sort out, to be sure. And I may never get it all truly sorted out. Accepting that thought as a possibility is difficult. I may never do so.
Outside, the sky is gray today (very unlike yesterday, when I took the pictures you see in this post, which are from the Bosque.) I realize I like both types of days, which makes me wonder, maybe parts of me still want to be in the Pacific Northwest (or does it mean I miss the change of seasons, and in effect, my family, or the Northeast?) So many questions to sort out.
This post has been much longer than normal, so if you have read this far, I appreciate it. I truly do appreciate all the comments that you leave me here on this blog, and on my facebook pages when I post them. I learn from each and every one of them. And if I see someone hit the “like” button, I feel grateful for having touched that person in some way. I write for myself, and to help create a community.
Thanks for joining me on this journey. And as always, thanks for reading.
Some days the words just flow onto the page. Other times, you sit there and want to beat the crap out of that blinking cursor. Why is it that you can have so many awesome ideas in your head and then when you try to get them out onto paper, they just come out sounding, so – what’s the word I’m looking for? Bad? Crappy? Awful? Cringe-worthy?? Making you pissed off that you even set the alarm an hour earlier, thinking you could get up and actually get something done?
On those days, do you turn to mindless activities like surfing the web, scrolling through your facebook or instagram feed, or other such time wasters? (Maybe I should just delete the Candy Crush app on my phone now before it gets any worse. Yes, I know I’m a few years late to that game. Never said I was fashionable.)
On those days, I’m torn between wanting to read something like Anne Lamott’s book, Bird by Bird, and my latest fiction obsession, The Girl on the Train. Anne’s book appears to speak directly to me – she gets it, the frustrations, the self-doubt, the condemnation of one’s own mind. And she even turns those thoughts into humor.
My fiction obsession – I read it for the entertainment, but also to study the writer’s technique. And I wonder, did they know what direction their story was going in when they started writing it? Or did they just let the words flow onto the page as they flitted in and out of their mind, hoping against hope that at one point, it all might make some coherent sense? Because that’s what my writing is like right now. A bunch of jumbled thoughts. Some thoughts are of fictional content, others just musings of a distracted mind …. hey, look, SQUIRREL!??
One of my favorite authors is John Connolly. When I first started reading his work, many years ago, I believe it was because he usually sets his stories in the northeast. Maine, in particular. A state located so close to Massachusetts but so different in every way. John’s writing is quite dark but also spell-binding. I don’t want to read about all the horrible things that can happen to the characters in his books, but I also can’t tear myself away sometimes. His Charlie Parker novels have spanned the years, and I wonder, “did he know all of this was going to happen to Charlie when he first started out? Did he storyboard or mindmap his ideas? HOW does he do it?”
For those of you out there who like to write, what helps you on the days where you’re just not feeling it? Where everything you write down makes you want to just give up and remember to not quit your day job? Do you work with writing prompts? Pull out your journal and let the words flow via your pen and not the computer?
A good friend of mine said to me that writing can be like running. Some days you just have really shitty runs but you persevere and push through them because you know that, not long from now, you’ll have that one run where you feel euphoric like that’s what it is all about, where you could just keep running and running and running. (No, not like Forrest Gump.) This friend should know – she trained for a marathon with me, and God, did I feel sorry for her having to put up with me on many of those days. There were some days that if I had been her, I would have said “Screw you!” and just run on without me.
But she stuck with me. As I hope many of you out there will stick with me. Thanks for reading my drivel today. And enjoy the earlier than normal morning sunshine, if you’re already up, like me.
As always, thanks for reading. Please share this post if you think there’s someone out there who can commiserate or benefit from reading it. And please drop me a line if you have a suggestion or comment!