Yep, it’s been a while. So long that I am having to orient myself to all the WordPress changes since I last blogged. Good Lord.
The world certainly has changed since the last time I wrote on this blog. Covid-19. Enough said.
I have stopped and started a few drafts over the past several months. The longer you go without posting, the easier it gets to NOT post. You can talk yourself into thinking no one cares anymore or follows your blog anymore. Kind of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I’ve moved back to Naples, Florida. My oldest cat, Callie, passed away in July. In August, I started school through FSW (Florida Southwestern State College), taking some prerequisite classes for a marine science (or eventual marine policy, etc.) type of degree. I was taking bio and chem (bleck, ugh) with labs. I say bleck because it was all about electrons and atoms at that stage. Things that just bore me to tears, quite honestly.
So yeah, you may have noticed I used the past tense in that previous paragraph. If you did, thanks for reading so closely. I stopped taking the classes. Faced the reality that I would be graduating with another bachelor’s or master’s degree at the age of 54 or 55 and then competing with 24 year olds for work at entry level salaries. So I stopped. Yes, another start and another stop. My own inner voice echoes back to me something my mom said to me last year when I was back in Boston and decided to come back to Florida and that is “Do you have any idea what you are doing or what you want?” No. I guess not.
I keep living my life thinking about the future, and I realize that that prevents me from living in the present. I’m always trying to figure out why I was put on this earth. How I can leave it in a better place than how it was when I came into it. And while I’m doing that, I am missing out on the present.
When I sat down to write this post today, I discovered a comment someone had left on m blog back in June. IN JUNE! When I went to their site today to check them out, I saw this post and it sums up some thoughts I have had so many times and which for some reason are so hard for me to articulate clearly. It is Karma: The Purpose of Life.
Some days, I have felt like my purpose on this earth was to save a bunch of sea urchins and starfish that had washed up on shore. Or to throw back that fish that had washed up (or possibly been dropped by a bird) on the shore, still breathing. I have a neighbor right now who had surgery on his ankle and is pretty much housebound, so I’ve been helping him out with his dog and such. Maybe that’s my purpose for right now.
I don’t need to have all the answers. In fact, I don’t think I ever will. I change my mind so much as to what i think I am supposed to be doing on this earth and have pivoted so many times in the past five years that I no longer get upset when someone kids me that I will probably change my mind next week or even in the next few days. Because it’s true. I might.
I won’t get upset when I tell others I’m thinking about moving when my lease is up in July. (My sis expressed some frustration when I mentioned looking into Pensacola as an option. She asked why i moved back to Naples when i did. Well, when my lease was up, lockdowns were upon us and I couldn’t really drive around and check out other potential places. I’m back in the same apt building I was in before. At least here, I knew what to expect and I’m only 10 mins from the beach, if that. When i explained that, she was like, “I see your point.”) My brother is in Naples now (left NYC as so many have done over the past few months) but there is no guarantee that he and his wife may stay here long term since for her, there isn’t a ton of job prospects.)
So, yes, as with so many people in life, right now, the future is up in the air. Come July, will i move? Probably. Will i move into an RV and travel around and see my family and friends I’ve made over the years, for extended periods of time? Possibly. Will I move into a tiny apartment somewhere and continue walking or running the beach often? (I have a half-started post about that in the works — the beach part, anyway.) And why have i been missing my friends and the beauty of the southwest so often lately?? Should I take a trip back out there? Perhaps. (Already had Covid and I’m not averse to wearing a mask on a plane if need be. )
It has occurred to me I should set a schedule of when posts go up on this blog, and maybe incorporate this space more into my why, my purpose in life. Take it more seriously. So, I will try. For the two of you out there maybe even still reading this blog or intermittently checking it for updates, I at least owe you that.