Sorting it all out

Maybe it’s the stress of the craziness of the fall semester weighing down on me, but I feel like my mind is all a jumble some days. So, I’m writing this post today in the hopes that it will help me to sort things out. The more I write or blog, the more I want to do of the same. That’s a good thing in my mind.

Lately, I’ve been feeling insecure about the whole personal training thing. Like there is some mental block keeping me from memorizing all the body parts, muscles and functions with the same sort of ease (maybe that’s not the right word but it seemed easier) that I studied for and passed three bar exams. (On the first try!) And then it makes me question whether I’m making the wrong choice in deciding to  pursue this new career path. I’ve made so many wrong moves before, I don’t want to do that again where my work life is concerned.

The other day, I was having a lot of pain in one muscle and I wasn’t sure what it was. All I knew is that it’s been an irritant to me for a while. My trainer watched me do squats and said, “your hamstrings are weak and your glute medius is very tight.” It made me wonder, why couldn’t I figure that out? How can I expect to be a trainer and not pick that kind of thing out even on myself? I asked her later on how she knew what to diagnose and she said my knees moved inward when squatting. She then tried to make me feel better by saying it’s hard to sometimes notice these things on yourself. I walked away, saying to myself, “she’s just being nice. What if she really thinks I’m stupid?” (But then I remember that some trainers who I know said it was hard for them to learn all of it in the beginning also.) I guess sometimes I put too much pressure on myself.

I went to a tiny house workshop in DC last week and since then I’ve felt more invigorated to focus my finances on things that really matter to me. And then this week, I started watching youtube videos (when I say watch, I usually mean “listen” if it’s at work. I put on my headphones and get busy.) As I explained to a coworker, if she comes into my office and I’m smiling, it’s because I’m listening to someone else talk about my goals and dreams. I found this video earlier today of Dee Williams, who is well known in the tiny house community. All I could think of when I watched it and  listened to her words, was “she has got it so right. She’s so at peace. That’s exactly how I want to feel.” (I admit, though, I would like running water in whatever I end up living in.)

Being at the tiny house workshop, I met all these people who seemed so “handy.” I know that if I could build my own, I would save a lot of money. But I’m not sure I would feel comfortable enough in my own skill set to do something like that. Like I should leave it to the pros. Or maybe I should get an RV. And then the questions start – do I get a travel trailer, or do I get a motor home because of all my animals? With a travel trailer, being a single woman, that’s  a little intimidating if I decide to take it on the road. Plus, I would likely have to buy a bigger vehicle like a truck, and now that I’ve realized how bad they are for the environment, I’d prefer to go with something smaller if I can. But towing a travel trailer with just a car is hard, and it would mean needing to go REALLY small with a travel trailer, like the Casita 13 footer. (It’s fiberglass and ultralight.) And if i don’t want to buy a large truck because of the environmental costs, how can I justify buying a motorhome? Aren’t those even worse, with their whopping 5-10 mpg that they get, even the smaller ones? So, clearly there’s a dilemma to overcome. But do I have to do it now? (I guess, I just don’t really like the unknown. But then again, I’ve looked back at my life and don’t know that I always want to play it so safe anymore.) And, finally, isn’t the goal to go small and pare down things to what is absolutely necessary in life?

Also at the workshop, a lot of discussion was had on zoning. Most videos that discuss tiny houses talk in some part about zoning, and the fact that they don’t really fit into zoning codes without some creative construction/interpretation of the language. More uncertainty. Then, I start to think that maybe an RV would be the way to go because it’s more “accepted.” But would that be a cop-out?  Also, travel trailers are cheaper (usually). But then I see so many of them have SO MUCH WOOD on the inside and I think to myself, if I wanted to surround myself with all wood paneling, I may as well go buy a cheap house anywhere that needs updating, and I KNOW I don’t want to do that. So maybe it’s that I would need to use some creative skills to renovate it. Renovation skills, I remind myself, of which I currently have none. So maybe it’s better to spend more money and get a nicer one like an Airstream. They are the nicest on the inside, but with that quality comes a higher cost.

All of this talk about costs makes me wonder about my debt level and if I will ever find a way out of it. I know I will, but at this point, owing over $121K, it’s very daunting, and it’s hard to think of “I need to keep paying off stuff  and living like this for HOW MANY MORE YEARS?” I say that because I have seen other youtube videos where people have moved into an RV so that they could save money and pay down debt faster.

All of these thoughts have been going through my head quite a lot lately. So, this morning, when I was out with my baby girl Osito, I thought, “you know what, Terri? You need to stop whining. You just need to sit down, shut up, and get to it.  Study those flash cards you’ve been making until you know them cold. Take the test when you’re ready and then ace it! And then, just get out there and start DOING IT! NO EXCUSES!”

Some of you may think my inner voice is harsh, and I agree that at times, it is. At times lately, I have found myself thinking of my ex, and missing him. I try to not berate myself about it because it ended so abruptly and I never felt like I got the closure I needed from the way the breakup happened.  I think to myself, “maybe I’m just missing that warm body to cuddle up next to at night.” But you know what? There are lots of strong women out there who are single, and who are happy. And if I live in a travel trailer or a tiny house, with all of my animals, I will be one of them.  Sometimes that makes me a bit sad, but usually I’m ok with it.  And there’s nothing wrong with having some furballs cuddling up next to you at night. (I usually share my bed with three cats and the dog. One cat and one dog always make sure to have at least one part of their bodies touching mine. It could be that they love me, but more likely of a scenario is that they like the body heat. LOL)

Anyway, if you are still reading this very long post, I appreciate that and your patience in allowing me to get so much off of my chest. I wish I could say it’s off of my mind, or that things seem clearer now, but that will take time.  If any of you have any words of advice or wisdom, I would love to hear them. (And if you feel like I need a good kick in the pants, you can tell me that too. Just try to say it in a constructive way.)