Realizations – Questions, and More Realizations

Marconi Point on Cape Cod - the fog had rolled in, making everything seem other-worldly.  It was a very big drop down to the water.
Marconi Point on Cape Cod – the fog had rolled in, making everything seem other-worldly. It was a very big drop down to the water, which may not actually show on this photo. As in, probably a hundred feet or more.

I realized last night that my ex (as in husband) is remarried. It’s one of those things you know can happen and it shouldn’t be a surprise. That’s not what bothers me. In fact, I’m glad for him that he is remarried and found someone. When I left our marriage, I knew he loved me more than I did him, and I wanted him to find someone who would love him just as much as I knew he loved me. And it seems he found that someone. So now I can really tell myself, “see, you didn’t ruin his life as you once feared you might have when all that negative self-talk played such a large role in your life.”  It just threw me for a loop at first but I think that’s normal.

Through the power of what is the web, I saw many of our (in reality, his) friends from the time I was married, are still together and most have a few kids. I’m glad for them, I really am. But still, when you’re single, and you see many people your own age are paired off and have families, houses, the whole nine yards, and you don’t…it gives you pause. It makes you wonder “am I a loser?” (See, that negative self-talk rears its ugly head.) “Did I do the right thing by going out on my own? Am I insane to think of leaving or wanting to leave a good paying job for a life that involves working with animals at much less pay?” Answer: yes, I did do the right thing, and no, I’m not insane. “Am I a loser for not having the family and kids and a house at this point in my life? I have five cats and a dog.”   Answer: no, I’m not a loser, and I know I’m not insane. I’m just….different. Different in what I think of as will lead me to live a happy life. A successful life. Success, by my own standards, and no one else’s. 

“Memories are good things — they are glimpses of what makes someone who they are.” 

A very wise friend (who I will only call D) said this to me when I asked him for reassurance that there’s nothing wrong with me for wanting to forge my own path, for wanting to make big changes in my life, both career-wise and where geography is concerned. I want to move someplace where I can create new memories. It’s not that I dwell on the memories of my life that have been created here but I would like to be someplace where they aren’t all around me. That’s what really jumped up and hit me in the face after seeing he was married. Does that make any sense? But, I know my friend is right. If I hadn’t gone through what I went through since I’ve been in Boston, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t have grown so much over the past few years. So I can’t feel bad about the past, even the good memories, which now seem bittersweet sometimes. It’s all about moving forward from here on out.

Also, I really want that part of my life to start NOW. I know, I know, I have to be patient, and I need to remind  myself that I am actively taking steps toward it, and the trigger will get pulled in the next few months.  And I know that just a physical move doesn’t change your life. YOU change your life by changing what is inside.

And one of those active steps – you will be happy to know that as of today, I am wellbutrin-free. And I feel good without it. None of that “flatness” I felt before I started taking it a few years ago. So, that’s one GIANT step in the right direction. Now, to determine how to wean off of the prozac. That will be a more involved process and one I really, really want to get right. It’s another dream of mine, now, I realize, to move and be anti-depressant free when I do. That would be a truly new beginning.

So, yes, I think I have another dream now to add to my list. Or is it more like a goal if you are taking active steps to achieve it? 🙂

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6 thoughts on “Realizations – Questions, and More Realizations

  • Congratulations , Terri! You’re doing it. You are changing your life,step by step, in huge ways. Just keep it up, step by step. I’m very impressed by your guts and determination.

  • Our past is our past, it cannot be undone, but we can learn from it and move forward. So many times we come to a fork in the road where we must choose a path to follow. The path we choose will shape our future and pave the way for who we are and who we will become.

    While following this path it is up to each individual to leave foot prints that show they were in fact here, if only for a short time. How sad would it be for us to walk along this path, leaving no footprints, and no one knowing we were ever here.

    We have it within ourselves to try and make a difference on this planet, and you have chosen to help make a difference by working with animals… Terri I would most definitely say you are leaving footprints as you walk along this path that you have chosen to take..

    Keep chasing your dreams…

    Good luck with your journey, wherever it leads you…

    • That was my fear, Cary, of leaving and not leaving any trace behind to show I was here, other than I went to work in the morning and came home at night and then did the same thing the next day. Thank you so much for the support.

  • Terri, you once again have struck a nerve with me. I’m going through the same thing! Thank you for letting me know once again, I’m not alone!

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