Realizations – Questions, and More Realizations

I realized last night that my ex (as in husband) is remarried. It’s one of those things you know can happen and it shouldn’t be a surprise. That’s not what bothers me. In fact, I’m glad for him that he is remarried and found someone. When I left our marriage, I knew he loved me more than I did him, and I wanted him to find someone who would love him just as much as I knew he loved me. And it seems he found that someone. So now I can really tell myself, “see, you didn’t ruin his life as you once feared you might have when all that negative self-talk played such a large role in your life.”  It just threw me for a loop at first but I think that’s normal.

Through the power of what is the web, I saw many of our (in reality, his) friends from the time I was married, are still together and most have a few kids. I’m glad for them, I really am. But still, when you’re single, and you see many people your own age are paired off and have families, houses, the whole nine yards, and you don’t…it gives you pause. It makes you wonder “am I a loser?” (See, that negative self-talk rears its ugly head.) “Did I do the right thing by going out on my own? Am I insane to think of leaving or wanting to leave a good paying job for a life that involves working with animals at much less pay?” Answer: yes, I did do the right thing, and no, I’m not insane. “Am I a loser for not having the family and kids and a house at this point in my life? I have five cats and a dog.”   Answer: no, I’m not a loser, and I know I’m not insane. I’m just….different. Different in what I think of as will lead me to live a happy life. A successful life. Success, by my own standards, and no one else’s. 

“Memories are good things — they are glimpses of what makes someone who they are.” 

A very wise friend (who I will only call D) said this to me when I asked him for reassurance that there’s nothing wrong with me for wanting to forge my own path, for wanting to make big changes in my life, both career-wise and where geography is concerned. I want to move someplace where I can create new memories. It’s not that I dwell on the memories of my life that have been created here but I would like to be someplace where they aren’t all around me. That’s what really jumped up and hit me in the face after seeing he was married. Does that make any sense? But, I know my friend is right. If I hadn’t gone through what I went through since I’ve been in Boston, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t have grown so much over the past few years. So I can’t feel bad about the past, even the good memories, which now seem bittersweet sometimes. It’s all about moving forward from here on out.

Also, I really want that part of my life to start NOW. I know, I know, I have to be patient, and I need to remind  myself that I am actively taking steps toward it, and the trigger will get pulled in the next few months.  And I know that just a physical move doesn’t change your life. YOU change your life by changing what is inside.

And one of those active steps – you will be happy to know that as of today, I am wellbutrin-free. And I feel good without it. None of that “flatness” I felt before I started taking it a few years ago. So, that’s one GIANT step in the right direction. Now, to determine how to wean off of the prozac. That will be a more involved process and one I really, really want to get right. It’s another dream of mine, now, I realize, to move and be anti-depressant free when I do. That would be a truly new beginning.

So, yes, I think I have another dream now to add to my list. Or is it more like a goal if you are taking active steps to achieve it? 🙂

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