I saw a friend’s resume the other day and was really impressed. She is a writer in the tried and true sense of the word. She has her MFA in creative writing and has been published many, many times. I asked her how she got so many pieces published and said how I would feel so afraid of rejection. She acknowledged she has been rejected many times, but it just fuels her to keep going. This person has gone through a lot in life so I was really inspired to hear her say that. And it got me thinking…
It got me to think that maybe, just maybe, i can do the things that scare me now. That i can face the unknowns i am scared of now. The doubts. Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone and laid it all out there–how I was afraid that I would move across the country, and not be able to make a living doing what I want to do, train people. I was worried that then maybe I couldn’t afford to keep a roof over my head and that of my animals and that I would be a failure. I was starting to talk faster and faster and she cut in, reminding me that I don’t need to answer all of those questions today, or deal with all of that today, all at one time. I could just focus on one thing at a time, and make progress that way. It was a reminder that I really needed.
So, back to my friend the writer. After seeing her resume, I thought to myself that maybe I can get something published. It doesn’t have to be a novel as I used to think was the only thing worthy of working on. I could write an essay or something else and try sending it in. Maybe to enter a contest, or just to send it and see what happens. I need to stop stopping myself before I ever get started. Instead of thinking of all the stuff that can go wrong, I need to think that “maybe, just maybe this can be done.” Or, “maybe, just maybe, I am good enough.”
Today is my birthday, and as usual, my mom sent me a check for my exact age. She wrote on the card that she wanted me to spend it on something for myself, like she always does. I already knew what I would do with the money. It is going into my savings account for the tiny house and land. Because that is *something* for myself. It’s giving me the gift of hope and encouragement and bringing me that much closer to my goals and dreams.
Some may think that the use of the term “maybe” has a negative connotation to it, because by adding that word “maybe” to a phrase, it leaves room for failure to enter. I think up until now, I have tended to give in more to that feeling of “being afraid of failure” coming to pay me a visit. But yesterday and today, I thought to turn that on its head and instead to think “maybe, just maybe I can do X, Y and Z” when my self doubt starts to creep in. I need to push the thoughts of failure and fear of not being good enough, or failing, out of the way. I’m even going to visualize myself literally pushing them aside, out of my view.
Maybe, just maybe, my plan will work. In a few years, I WILL have my money saved up for the tiny house, I can move into training on a full time basis, and/or send in a piece of writing to get published. As we all know, all the thinking in the world doesn’t help anything become a reality, so I’m off to work on making that my present and not-so-distant dream come alive.
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