Tag: albuquerque

Another Year

Another Year

Terri

trees with path.jpgYesterday was my birthday.  My 45th, to be exact.  In her card, my mom reminded me that it’s only another 5 years until I hit the big 5-0.  Thanks, Mom.  Just what I wanted to hear.  My sister (who is 47) and I have made a pact to not really talk about the numbers anymore at this stage of our lives.  Too depressing.  We try to not think about the fact that our two older brothers are 56 and 57 this year. And our baby brother is 43.

At the risk of sounding like a walking cliche, I really don’t feel my age.  Maybe it’s because I never had kids and therefore didn’t deal with that kind of stress and exhaustion.  (I know having a family is not all bad.  It just wasn’t for me.)  Maybe it’s because I still have vivid memories of my teenage years, my twenties (when I was an idiot like so many of us were), and of course, my thirties, when I really started to wake up and see who I was as a person.  When I started listening to my heart and made big, life-changing decisions.

The boyfriend and I talked the other night and I mentioned how, presently, my outlook on life is to not try to stress out so much over things like overpaying for something by $5-6, because really, it’s not going to matter a year from now.  And I’m certainly not taking my money to the grave with me when I die.  True, I try to be smart about financial decisions, but I don’t let one mistake ruin my day, or try not to, anyway.   I told him, people make decisions based on the information they have available to them at the time, so don’t beat yourself up over what hindsight presently shows you about the past.  Best to just learn from it and move on.

Recently, some people whose opinion I really value have told me that what they admire about me is my ability to express myself and be honest about things. (Hope I’m paraphrasing accurately, Pauline and Josh.)  They’re from two very different parts of my life, yet they see something in common.  So here’s the honest truth about what’s on my mind these days.

looking up through trees

Am I happy with my life?  Yes, and no. Do I wonder if I made the right decision two years ago to just leave everything and everyone I was familiar with to move thousands of miles away? Yes, quite often.  Do I feel like I’ve grown a lot in the past two years in understanding more of what my core values are? A resounding yes. Do I wish I made more money?  Yes! (I’m beginning to think there is some truth to the research that says once you make about $50-55K, any increases over that don’t increase your level of happiness as much as they might have done when increasing your income from say $25K-30K and then to 35K.)

Am I enjoying the academic program I’m taking part in with the Institute for Humane Education?  Yes, because it’s making me think critically about issues that are important to me.  It’s making me look inward and helping me to figure out what direction to take my life in from here.

Notice I said, “what direction to take my life in.”  I am not content to let life happen to me.  It’s a somewhat uncomfortable place to be in, trying to figure out that direction, and knowing that I may never get it right, but that the real value is in the interim, that space in time and location when I’m trying to figure it all out.

Where do I want to be?  Where do I want to end up?  In the mountains or near the coast?  Do I miss being able to educate others and inspire them to expand on their learning or research skills? Do I miss the change of seasons?  Do I like the warmer winters?  Do I miss seeing big bodies of water? YES! Am I grateful for having met so many new people over the past two years? YES!  Do I still think about doing the nomadic thing at one point in my life? Yes! Do I want a tiny house or the stability of being in one place and being able to create beauty there through my words and a garden? Yes!

Do I want to spend more of my days writing? YESSS!!!!  Do I think eventually I can do that?  Yes, I WILL make it happen.  But how? Do I try to find work through the content mills or do I start pitching ideas to editors or just sit down and force that book or books out of me that I’ve been trying to get out of my head and onto paper?

Lots of contradictions and questions to sort out, to be sure.  And I may never get it all truly sorted out.  Accepting that thought as a possibility is difficult.  I may never do so.

Outside, the sky is gray today (very unlike yesterday, when I took the pictures you see in this post, which are from the Bosque.)   I realize I like both types of days, which makes me wonder, maybe parts of me still want to be in the Pacific Northwest (or does it mean I miss the change of seasons, and in effect, my family, or the Northeast?)  So many questions to sort out.

This post has been much longer than normal, so if you have read this far, I appreciate it.  I truly do appreciate all the comments that you leave me here on this blog, and on my facebook pages when I post them.  I learn from each and every one of them. And if I see someone hit the “like” button, I feel grateful for having touched that person in some way. I write for myself, and to help create a community.

Thanks for joining me on this journey. And as always, thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

Reconnecting to Nature: Take a Field Trip

Reconnecting to Nature: Take a Field Trip

Terri

 

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The site of my field trip (sunflowers were behind me.)

My Environmental Ethics requires us to go on four field trips in our neck of the woods. The goal is to remain in the present for at least 30 minutes.  No cell phones.  No thoughts of what happened earlier today or what can happen tonight.  When you find your thoughts drifting away from the present, you do your best to bring them back to the here and now.  Try and use all of your senses: sight, smell, touch, hear, etc.  Our assignment limits us to the number of words, and I’m finding I’m embracing those limits rather than fighting them. One of my fellow students said I should publish them somehow and he would want to read one of them every day to reconnect himself to nature. So, I thought I would do so here, in the hope that it can have some beneficial effect to those of you reading it.

Our assignment limits us to the number of words, and I’m finding I’m embracing those limits rather than fighting them. So without further adieu, here goes nothing, er, my first field trip.

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Yesterday, I took a field trip to the section of the Bosque knowns as Tingley Beach.  The Bosque is a wooded area located along the banks of the Rio Grande in Albuquerque, New Mexico.  It stretches for miles with lots of dirt paths for walkers, runners, bikers, and nature enthusiasts.  Usually, I run there.  But yesterday, I decided I would just sit and observe.

I wonder – what made me choose this spot?  Because it’s familiar?  But, I’ve never sat here on a log and just looked and listened while not moving.  There are so many wild sunflowers growing here, some out of what appears to be dead, inhospitable wood accumulated on the ground.  How did all these dead tree branches come to be here on the ground?  Were they cut down?  No, they’re too randomly placed.  Did they break off in the wind?  That seems more likely, given the winds we have here in Albuquerque, a high desert city.

The breeze blows through the green leaves of the tall cottonwoods above me.  I’m comforted by it, even though I can tell by its ferocity that a rainstorm might be coming.  I welcome that.  To the south are dark clouds.  To the north are white puffy clouds that seem to be speeding effortlessly through the sky because of that strong wind.  The sun keeps peeking in and out from among the dark clouds, alternately warming and cooling my body.

Sitting quietly, I start to hear the sounds of birds chirping.  I hear one chirp, then another, and then a third, all from different locations.  They are of different types; each chirp is unique.  And are those crickets or cicadas I hear?  I love the sound of them, but seeing them in person freaks me out.  I’m not a fan of big bugs.

I hear the sounds of civilization off in the distance: traffic noise, a plane flying overhead, the sounds of humans along the dirt path.  The humans are close enough that we could both see each other, but they’re too engrossed in their conversations or own thoughts to notice me sitting amongst the cottonwoods.  And I am grateful because I want to be left alone to observe, to feel, to hear, to smell.  I’m irritated by the intrusion.

I realize I haven’t seen a single bug crawling along the log on which I sit.  Surprising, because I usually see them everywhere on the path when I run.  And this is the woods! As if I willed it into existence, one appears, and it’s time for me to shift positions.  I take a seat on the ground near the sunflowers.  I can see the honeybees darting from one flower to the next.  But I don’t hear them making a sound.  Funny, I thought this was grass, but it feels more like straw.  Looking closer, I notice it covers the dead branches and twigs found below it.  It’s uncomfortable, and it’s time for me to go, so I walk toward the river.

If this post touches you somehow, please share it.  And thank you for reading.

 

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Wild sunflowers abound in the Bosque, not too far from where I sat

 

Hopes. Tears. Stronger.

Terri
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The Rio Grande at sunset

I hope that each of you out there has a place that they can go to that acts as an aid to help you breathe more deeply and feel more settled.  For me, that is the bosque (woods) near Tingley Beach in Albuquerque.  It’s right along the Rio Grande River.  Whenever I go there, there is a sense of the familiar, which is comforting, but also there’s always something new that I see or observe, and that’s also comforting in its own way.  Usually, I’m there with Morgan, but occasionally, it’s just me.  I love to hear the sounds of the birds calling to one another, or the wind in the trees above me.  On very windy days, I get to see the tumbleweeds blow across the trail in front of me.  And it’s on those days that there seems to be a certain urgency in the air, and I can see it in Morgan’s face when she walks in front of me.  She occasionally looks back to make sure I’m still there with her and I always assure her that yes, Mommy’s right here.

I’m feeling something here in Albuquerque that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I’m not sure i can put the right word(s) to it, but I’ll try.  I feel more like myself.  Running in the woods, it reminds me of how I used to run along the shores of the Charles River in Boston, and how I would run through the trails of the trees and relish the feel of the packed earth below my feet, watching the flow of the water so close to me.  I remember the instant boost of energy I used to feel when I would see the crew teams out practicing on the river, and I would think, “if they can keep going, then so can I.”   Here, along the Rio Grande, there are no such crew teams, but there is the current of the river, and the call of birds flying overhead, and on the river’s surface.  It’s a different boost of energy that I get.  The same, but yet different.

I see runners in front of and behind me, and feel like I’m slowly finding my tribe again.  I’ll never be at the same speed I used to, but that’s no longer the most important thing to me.  Now it’s the ability to get out there, and run for myself, and for my dog, Morgan, who is my usual running partner these days.  We get to share in the beauty of being outdoors, and getting exercise, and running the “crazy” out of ourselves.  I’ve realized she is a great companion to me.  Just like her mom, she’s always wanting to get out there and explore, and I talk with her about our adventures that we go on every day.  I feel less scared to explore things when I’m with her.  I know she has my back, just as I do, hers.

I’ve met a friend in town who I feel like I can talk to easily, as if we’ve known each other for years.  I can’t tell you how much that means to me after having felt unsettled for the past 16 months or so.  Knowing I was meeting people that I sometimes connected really well with, but just feeling like I hadn’t found my “place” yet that I was searching for.   No one will ever replace my best friend Sarita back in Boston, of course (she’s my little sis that I never had), but it feels really good to connect with a kindred spirit again.  Someone who just seems to “get” you.  Someone who accepts you for what you are and bring to the table.

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Sitting near one of the duck ponds at Tingley Beach, which is across the street from a beautiful golf course.  I just thought to myself, “yeah, this is where I need to be in my life right now.”

My job is challenging in some ways, but I feel like I’m in the right place for myself to be right now.  It’s challenging to see animals suffering, and also the suffering of their parents, whether it be for financial reasons, or just health problems that can’t be solved.  As I sit in the visiting room with folks preparing to say their final goodbyes to their loved furry ones, I’m often told “I don’t know how you folks do this every day.”  Truth be told, I don’t know either.  I just know that if there is a way that I can try to ease the pain of those moments for someone, I will do my best.  It’s hard to know when someone might appreciate a hug, or when you should ask them a question to make them smile or remember  a happier time in their pet’s life, but I do my best.  And more than one has made me shed a tear.  Last week was the hardest.  Several DOAs, and some very tough euthanasias.  It was a Sunday shift that I thought would never end.  Thankfully, it finally did.  Maybe I won’t end up becoming a vet tech after all.  I’m not sure.  I just know I’m good with people and with animals, and for right now, I’m not second guessing what it is I’m doing with my life.  If other people think I’m wasting my potential, so be it.  I will decide what is right for me, not someone else.

My life here is a humble existence, and a simple one.  I have a small apartment, but a lot of furry love surrounds me every day.  As I sit and type this, Callie sits behind me on the chair, purring away.  I look at the others, and see them all sleeping soundly away and that makes me feel at peace.  I’m able to provide the basic necessities for all of us, and that’s good for me.  I don’t need a lot to feel happy, or at least content.

At times, I do wish I had someone to share my life with again.  If you’re on facebook, you know how it likes to show you “memories” of posts from the past.  I was reminded yesterday that it had been about three years since I last spoke to my ex-boyfriend, six months after he had unexpectedly and very suddenly broken up with me on a trans-atlantic phone call from the Middle East.  That call brought some much needed closure to me, but I now realize it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way about someone, and part of me wonders if I ever will again.  Am I broken if I don’t feel that way again?  Am I just hiding from the potential of being judged by someone, and found lacking?  Is this a mode of self-protection, or is it fear holding me back from growing in that way again?  I’m not sure, honestly.  I’m still trying to figure that one out.

This is the post I wrote about that relationship, three years ago.  I just read it over to myself, and I’m glad to say that yes, I’m still getting a little bit stronger every day.  Learning about myself and realizing I may never achieve all my goals and dreams, but the journey really is in the time spent figuring them out.  It’s the growing that takes place along that path, that journey.  Because I know myself well enough now to know that whenever I achieve one dream, I’ll always be looking for another dream to latch onto.   Three years ago, I thought once I figured out a dream to chase, I had to do it NOW, NOW, NOW, and my friend Dan knows how often I used to obsess about and change my dreams on an almost day to day basis.  (That he is still friends with me now shows me that I have been blessed since I decided to go on life on my own, leaving what everyone has been taught should be their dream:  the marriage, the house, the good paying job, etc.)

If I were to die tomorrow, would I feel like some things were unfinished?  Yes.  Definitely.  But would I be able to die more satisfied, knowing that I had finally started to open up to my fears and hopes,  and acknowledge that I’ve been truer to myself in the past seven years or so, than I ever was before then, in my life.  Life isn’t about being comfortable.  For me, it’s about growing, and learning, and loving.

I’m not sure where this post came from, honestly, but it’s one that I feel has been trying to make its way out of me over the past few days.  I’m not sure I’ve even expressed all my thoughts the way that I really want to, but I now know it’s better to have tried than not to have tried at all.

Thanks for reading. And I’ll close with the video that I included in my post three years ago:  A Little Bit Stronger, by Sara Evans.  Still true, today.

 

Big News!!

Terri

Hi everyone, I’m so sorry it has been a few weeks since my last post, but believe me, I’ve been very busy and productive! Because times/things? They are a-changing!! (I’ve even had this post mainly written but haven’t had a chance to add photos until today.)

Ok, so first off, I’m moving to Albuquerque! I went there almost two weeks ago and found an apartment that will allow me to have my pets, and is in a safe neighborhood, is clean, and is just what I was looking for. Linoleum floors – awesome for animals and picking up animal hair! It’s about 380-400 sq feet, so it fulfills my dream of living tiny, and there are a lot of trees in the courtyard right outside my window! I can park my car close by, and keep an eye on it, and it’s close to school – only about a mile and a half away. There is a golf course close by so I can go for a run and see beautiful scenery.

Isn't she a cutie?? Her name is Morgan - this was taken on her first overnight visit with us.
Isn’t she a cutie?? Her name is Morgan – this was taken on her first overnight visit with us.

Oh, and guess what?? I am adopting a 3 year old beautiful cattle dog that I have fallen in love with at the Page Animal Adoption Agency! She is my favorite dog there and the one I always make sure to walk, no matter what. She just loves loves loves walks, and she is going to be my new running partner once I move! We will start out gradually, of course, since I think we both need to work up to running distances of 3-5 miles, but I’m looking forward to having that baby girl join my family. She has been with us for an overnight visit, and yesterday for a 5-6 hour visit, and it’s like my cats are invisible to her. The only time she even reacts to them is if they hiss at her, and then she just kind of looks at them as if to say “sorry!” and then moves away. No barking back, no chasing, nothing. And she is fine with having little Baby O around – she is only selective about dogs when they are larger or close to her size. They have met and she seems to “read” Baby O well. Many times, when Baby O meets a younger, friendly dog, they sniff at her and sniff and sniff and sniff…you get the idea, even as she tries to walk away from them. Morgan realizes that Baby O is done with the meet and greet and pretty much leaves her alone.  She loves to go for walks, and she loves doggy jogging! So I am looking forward to her getting me out there every day and getting exercise again.

Now, the question everyone asks is – do I have a job lined up yet? NO. Am I terrified of not finding one? YES! I have been trying to get schoolwork done, do prep work to move (i.e. trying to figure out the most cost effective way to do it with all the animals and the few things I have acquired over the past year), and look for jobs, jobs, jobs! Seriously, people, I am TERRIFIED of not finding a job!  I do have some savings, and thanks to a very generous friend in my life, I was able to put down a deposit on the new place without having to touch those funds. And I have applied for financial aid with the college – not that I want to have to take out any more loans, but just in case it takes me a bit of time to find something. Who knows, maybe I can even get some work study funds?!

Morgan, sitting near me, even though she had a comfy blanket just a few feet away.
Morgan, sitting near me, even though she had a comfy blanket just a few feet away.

I’ve been applying to vet receptionist, and vet assistant type positions, and am applying to retail spots in places like Petco and PetSmart,  and plan on applying to hotels as well. I’m also setting up a profile for myself with Rover.com, and have sent resumes and letters to some pet sitting services I’ve come across. I’ve applied to an animal sanctuary, and am happy to say that I have an interview set up with them just a few days after I arrive in ABQ.  Also, I plan on applying to seasonal jobs. I’m a hard worker – maybe it can turn into something more permanent.

Also, this past weekend, I went to Phoenix to celebrate one of my nephews getting married. I was able to see my younger brother (who many of you may think of as the crazy runner who does all these ultimate distance races like 100 miles) who came with his fiance all the way from NYC. I don’t dance, but while I was there, looking out at the dance floor, I looked at so many family members who I don’t get to see too often, just thinking how lucky I was to be able to spend the time with them. I realized then that there had been a change in my thinking. I used to go to weddings and look at the guests and wonder how happy were they really? Was everyone just faking being happy when really their lives weren’t? Or maybe their happiness that I saw that day was fleeting, just a moment in time. I know, it sounds very cynical, right?

You might be wondering, why Albuquerque? Because I want to give the southwest another shot. I’ve not felt completely at home where I’ve been so far but maybe because it’s been small towns, and I’ve come to the realization that I am more of a city girl. I need to live in a place that has more amenities and the possibility of more jobs. It’s a very dog friendly town, and there are many rescue groups as well as veterinary clinics. The weather is milder than the northeast – there are some cold(er) days, but hardly any snow, and it’s still an outdoor-activity friendly town. Lots of places to run and bike. There are mountains to the east, and lots of trees (it’s at a higher elevation than Lake Powell)< so I’ll be able to go hug trees whenever I feel the need. 🙂 The cost of living is low (necessary if you are looking to work in a field that doesn’t pay huge wages), and also, it’s where the community college is located that I am attending. It has a good vet technology program, and once I become an in-state student, the tuition is incredibly low. Since I am moving now, I should only have to pay out-of-state tuition for the first semester. It’s a 5-semester program, and it only begins in the fall (otherwise I’d just wait another semester until residency has been completely established.)

Again, sorry for the delay between posts. I wasn’t sure the Tuesday postings were working for me, honestly. I’m going to try to be more organized, going forward, and get posting more regularly. Thanks for sticking around with me.

As always, thanks for reading.