Tag: soul searching

Living Your Life with Purpose and Finding Out What That Is

Terri
HoneyBun in her hideaway.
HoneyBun in her hideaway. She looked so cute, I just had to take this picture.

I get daily emails from a website called Mind, Body, Green. The most recent email I received had this in the subject line “7 Signs You’re Living with Purpose.” I was so glad to read through it and see that, hey, a lot of that fits me in my life right now!

The first sign mentioned is you’re scared. Um, yeah, that would sum me up as I start thinking and planning toward my life changes of next year. When I would sit and think about taking my life on the road, I would become terrified of all the unknowns that would possibly happen to me. All the things that could go wrong. All the times I would get  lost. But as the article says, if you’re afraid, then you’re growing. And I know that as I keep questioning all of my ideas and feel that bit of fear on a daily basis, thinking of leaving all the security I have right now, I am fearful but I’m growing in that I’m becoming more self aware every day. And I see that as a gift.

The second sign is that your friend circle is changing.  I would say that is also the case for me. I’ve added a few new friends, especially in the online world. People with whom my life would otherwise most likely never have crossed. They’ve given me such great advice and friendship.

The third sign is opportunity seemingly comes out of nowhere. Wow. Earlier today, I was at work at at the gym.  One new member with whom I instantly felt comfortable as I gave her a tour of the place, stopped by to chat for a few moments and lo and behold, she’s a vet tech with the same animal hospital where I have begun taking my oldest cat, Bonkers, since this past June. Needless to say, a great conversation ensued and I let her know I had called the vet’s office last week to inquire about volunteering with them or shadowing some of their vet techs as this is a career I’m seriously looking into right now. I asked her for her email in case I had questions and she readily wrote it down. You never know who you’re going to meet, right?

The fourth sign is that the puzzle starts to make sense. Things that you’ve done or events that have happened, or people that you seem to have met or experienced, seemingly random, now make sense. This one I’m still working on.

The fifth sign is that you rely heavily on intuition.  This one, I totally agree with. At one point, I thought I would buy a motorhome for the ease of always having my home with me and my animals with me at all times. I then thought, well, how will I get around when not driving it? I came up with the idea of getting a scooter – it seemed to make total sense. 90 miles to the gallon. Much less maintenance than a car. So I went through with the motorcycle driving school and got myself a motorcycle license. I thought a scooter would be much easier to ride than a regular motorcycle. Turns out my gut was screaming “no, no, no, no, no!!” Every time I got on that thing, I felt this sense of foreboding, like it might be my last time.

One night, after practicing on very quiet side streets, I literally felt myself having trouble breathing and just about in tears. I felt the same sense of anxiety that I had felt when I first decided to leave my marriage. All the same doubts about myself.  That might sound melodramatic. Maybe it was a small panic attack. But this time, I listened to it. I know I’m going to lose money on this deal when I ultimately sell it (please God, let someone buy this pretty much new scooter in the spring!!)

The sixth sign is that you experience joyful exhaustion.  Some people think I’m crazy to be working two jobs right now since I make decent money at my full time one. In fact, they really thought I was crazy when I was also doing the freelance research on the book, as that was pretty much a third job. Yes, it was very exhausting and still is some days. I don’t always want to be spending an 8 hour day at the gym, folding mountains of laundered towels, and picking up dirty towels out of the bins. I didn’t always want to be opening the gym twice a week in September, at 5:30 a.m. But I also had this feeling that it was all going to be worth it in the end. It will be worth it when I get to work at a job that, while it will pay much less, will be much more fulfilling to me.

The seventh sign is that you feel light.  To quote the article “In your quiet moments, the times between actions, you have a lightness of being. You’re not burdened with existential anxiety. You may be preoccupied with how you’re going to achieve your dreams, but you’re not obsessively trying to figure out what they are. . . . Purpose may expand and evolve or completely change during a lifetime. As a result, these signs may make several reappearances.”  Oh wow. Does this describe me or what?? I can imagine at least a few of you out there laughing your ass off, out loud, reading this quote. I am definitely preoccupied (or healthily obsessed, one might say) with how I’m going to achieve my dreams of living a simple life with meaning and be able to make a difference in the lives of, or take care of animals.  And yes, your purpose can definitely change from time to time.

Someone is feeling pretty content in this picture.
Someone is feeling pretty content in this picture.

There are definitely times in my life when I feel light. There are times when I feel content, such as during those times that I find myself reading a good book in the quiet of my place, and I take a look around me at all of my sleeping animals, knowing they feel safe and secure enough to relax and let their guards down. And that’s when I know that each of the steps I’ve taken over the past few years to getting to where I am now, mentally and physically, are part of that ever expanding and evolving purpose.

What do you think about these signs? Do you agree with the Mind, Body, Green article?  Are there other signs that you think show you’re living your life with purpose? If so, what are they?

If you’ve liked this post, please hit like or subscribe below and as always, thanks for reading!

Defining (and choosing?) priorities

Terri
I just had to snap this photo of little Osito when she wore her new parka for the first time. She seems to really like it as it keeps her ears warm!
I just had to snap this photo of little Osito when she wore her new parka for the first time. She seems to really like it as it keeps her ears warm!

Editor’s note, written a few hours after the post was first published:

I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor’s office to see how I’m doing and feeling with cutting my Wellbutrin dosage in half. I’m happy to say, I’m doing pretty well, I think. And having cut out the Singulaire I take for my allergies-induced asthma, I’m breathing really well and clearly. Even ran outside yesterday and didn’t experience any wheezing afterward, like I used to do.  There is a medical student working there now, and she is from Seattle. She told me I can definitely can get work out in that area, and that yes, it really is possible to find a place to live there for about $700. She said things are definitely cheaper out there, and after having talked to her, I’m so jazzed, and leaning toward the PNW again. But I know, I need to keep an open mind and think everything through.

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So, one thing I have learned over the past year or so is that I change my mind. Sometimes a lot. Enough that I am now somewhat making fun of myself when I tell my friends what my “newest” plan for next year is. I go from wanting an RV, to just having a tiny apartment, to wanting an RV, to wanting a tiny apartment or small place to rent. And well, after I put my post up about so many RVs to choose from, I spent a good week or so watching my animals, and I mean really watching them. Watching how they interacted with each other, when they seemed to be the most content, and how far apart from each other they might be at that time. And I realized a small travel trailer just isn’t going to be enough room for them. Not if I don’t want them to be in a constant state of stress, and if I don’t care to alleviate that, it makes me quite selfish and a horrible fur mom.  Two things I never want to be.

I’ve changed my mind about what I want to do with my life a few times – for about two years,  I thought I wanted to be a personal trainer. Enough so that I took two certification tests (the second being known for being extremely hard.)  However, I have realized that while I do like working out, and occasionally helping out friends, I don’t think the lifestyle is for me. It would have me inside all the time (or a majority of the time) and it can get kind of boring to do just do one-on-one training all the time. I see that in the face of my gym’s trainer.  (He’s a great trainer, don’t get me wrong, but I can imagine it gets boring to work with the same types of problems day after day.) Plus, I find it hard to justify spending the money myself for the sessions (and I get them at a discount) when I’m trying to save money and pay off debt. So how could I then be asking people to pay for my services?

On a sunny day like this one, you just HAVE to be outside even if there is a brisk chill in the air!
On a sunny day like this one, you just HAVE to be outside even if there is a brisk chill in the air!

I was interested in going to an outdoor awareness school at one point (in the PNW) but then, of course, reality started to set in. The program was $10K or so, and involved a few trips that would require me to leave the animals for at least a week or more. That, and while I love the outdoors, I really do like some creature comforts, like, a warm bed. One that doesn’t involve sleeping on the ground, constantly worrying about bugs crawling over me as I try to fall asleep. You get the picture. So that idea went out the window, but the one thing behind it stayed the same – I love to be outdoors, and it would be awesome to live in a place that values the outdoor lifestyle. And if I could find a place to work where I could be outside, or teaching others about nature, so much the better.

So my thought is now to work with animals. That’s always been part of my plan – to do more to help them, but now I want to make it part of my future career, to the extent I can. I have been researching into what it takes to be a veterinary technician, if I need to have an associates degree, etc. I’ve been looking into the various AVMA accredited programs and their locations, cost of living, etc. Still have a lot of research to do on that, but hey, it’s what I do!  If I do go that route, I want to cash flow it as much as possible and would plan on applying for as many scholarships as I am able to do.  And I hope that I can start to volunteer at either a vet’s office or clinic or even work with the livestock that the Animal Rescue League of Boston have at their Dedham location, so I can see what it might be like to work as a large-animal vet tech.

I’ve thought about living in the southwest, like NM, and the Pacific Northwest, and just last week, Colorado. What do they all have in common? Yep, the weather is better than in the northeast, and they all value outdoor lifestyles.  The weather is certainly different in all three places. But one thing I have held fast to, and even more so, as we have just changed our clocks back to not be on daylight savings, and as I saw *snow* flurrying this past Sunday along with 40 mph wind gusts, is I’m DONE with the New England weather and winters. DONE. When I rode my bike to work that morning (it’s either that or walk since the buses don’t run early enough), it was sleeting outside. It hurt my face, not to mention the wind was out of this world, making me very glad my bike has a motor and is a bit on the heavy side. And I thought to myself, yep, I am DONE with this weather. It’s way too early for this crap.

So, here are my priorities:

  1. Live simply. Regardless of what the home looks like, it’ll be just what I need and nothing more. It’ll be a lifestyle that allows me to take care of myself and my animals, and pay off my debts (eventually).
  2. Live someplace where an outdoor lifestyle is valued and desired. And where winters don’t force you inside for months on end because the weather is so miserable and nasty cold. There are so many things you can do for free in the natural world, hiking, running, biking, etc. Why sit inside and stare at a TV or computer screen when you can experience all of that?
  3. My animals need to be happy and have enough space to be so. I have found that most of the time, we are all within the same room and a half (my living room and bedroom alcove), with usually 4 of them being within arms’ reach of myself. So I think a place that is about 400-500 square feet is going to do us just fine. Maybe even someplace smaller.
  4. Find a community of like-minded people. People who are somewhat liberal minded and don’t care so much about appearances or that the almighty dollar is the thing to be worshipped. Living in the NE, I think it’s hard for some people to understand why I would leave a good paying job to do something that makes so much less, especially with all of my degrees. I don’t want to constantly feel like I have to explain my decision to do so.Around here, and especially where I work, I work with very driven students and people who have always strived to be at the top. Many are proud of saying the name of our institution and hearing people go “oohh, and aaahhh.”  The name of my employer means nothing to me. In fact, I even ask people to not hold it against me sometimes, as it can also have a negative connotation, at least in my mind. It can conjure up images of wealth and prestige and power. All things that I simply could care less about.

So, these are my priorities, and while I may change my mind about what I will ultimately end up doing, and where I may be, from time to time, I’m holding fast to them. If anyone knows of any places that fit the bill, I’m all ears, so please drop me a line or comment below.

And, as always, if you have liked this post, please hit like or subscribe! Thank you for reading.

Oh, and just one more pic of Baby O below because she is always just too cute for words, and really makes everyone smile when they see her on our walks.

This is her "old lady" red sweater, complete with flowers and everything. But, it's the perfect weight and thickness for the mild fall days when there is a brisk chill in the air.
This is her “old lady” red sweater, complete with flowers and everything. But, it’s the perfect weight and thickness for the mild fall days when there is a brisk chill in the air.

Little Things for Which I am Thankful

Terri

photo 1 (4)

I know these posts usually come out on a Friday, but I wanted to be able to write this post from a place of gratitude, you know? And that’s how I am feeling today. Yesterday, well, in the words of someone who commented on my blog recently, I was just “waiting until Friday.”

1. I was lamenting with a colleague how it seems like libraries have changed so much over the past few years. To me, they seem to have become very corporatized (well, some of them, anyway) and I look at my own library and see how it’s changed. When I started there, I was by far, the most inexperienced person. And I mean, BY YEARS, I was the least experienced. And knowledgeable. Now, I’m the one who has been in the department the longest. It’s scary, and it’s sad.

But, someone decided to make my day yesterday, and it came in the form of one of the reference librarians with whom I worked in the very beginning. Naomi came into the library yesterday for the first time since she had retired, back in 2006. She’s the only librarian in our library who has a plaque dedicated to her near the reference desk. At first when she walked in with her family, I asked “are you here for the reunion?” and then I looked at her and was like “oh my God, Naomi!!” and immediately ran at her.

That woman has probably forgotten more than I will ever learn in my life. She reminded me of a time in my job when I was always, always learning. You’d think you had exhausted every avenue you knew of, and every resource, and you’d go to one of the more senior librarians and ask, “is there anything I’m missing?” and inevitably they would come up with something. (I still have that today in a colleague or two, but it’s just not the same. When you add up all the years of experience in my department these days, we probably add up to about 1 to 1.75 of the library reference librarians’ experience before, and that was a big department of about 7.

When she left, her husband turned to me and said “you made her day,” and I said “no, she made mine.”  We just kept giving each other hugs.

2. I may be dating myself by bringing up this movie, but does anyone out there remember the movie, Legends of the Fall? Back from around 1994? You may remember it had Aidan Quinn and Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins? Well, there was a line in the movie where the old Native American says something about Brad Pitt’s character, Tristan, coming into the “quiet stage” of his life. That’s kind of how I felt earlier this week when we had all that rain, and the shortness of the daylight seemed to be strikingly obvious to me, much more so than normal. It made me really start to think about things and get some things sorted out in my mind. And I have felt kind of “quiet.” It’s kind of like the feeling that comes over me when all I can hear in the apartment is the sound of the bubbling pet water fountain and maybe a snoring animal or two. Like right now, as I sit here typing this, every single furball in this place is sound asleep. It’s a feeling of contentment, of just feeling like everything is right as it should be, right now.

3. I am grateful for having good friends and for having good friends who give me good advice. Not necessarily what I want to hear, but good advice in that it comes from a good place inside of them and because it’s honest.  One of them told me to think of my dreams or life as a sentence that you diagram – think about the big picture, and then see the parts that make up the whole. Think of what you want the end result to be, and then you’ll figure out how to get there.

4.  I am grateful that the weather today is absolutely gorgeous. The sun is out, and lots of people are walking and running around the reservoir out back. It’s one of those days where I wish we could just freeze the calendar and not move forward.

5. I am grateful for quiet, peaceful days like today, where there is nothing on the schedule unless I want it to be. So, I’m going to the movies tonight with my best friend and her husband. We’re a movie watching trio – Gone Girl is what we will be seeing. I’ve read the book, so I can’t wait to see how it translates to the big screen. Definitely one of those books that is hard to put down.

6. I am grateful for young adult fiction about vampires. Yes, I said it. There, I admit it!! It’s what I like to read! It allows me to escape into another world and reminds me of what I loved about reading as a child. I used to lose myself in books, and now I”m doing it again.

7. I am grateful for views like those pictured above. And for coming home and seeing my two boys, Max and Sebastian, curled up on the loveseat (see below.)  I wanted to sit there, but I don’t have heart to make them move. Could you??

Sleepy boys...
Sleepy boys…

What are you thankful for this week? Please drop me a line below. And if you’ve liked this post, please hit like or subscribe! Thanks for reading.

Notes to my Younger Self

Terri

blueskyI read a great book by Susannah Conway, titled This I Know: Notes on Unraveling the Heart. In it, she mentions writing notes to her younger self, and older self, and it got me to thinking of what I would write to my younger self. Susannah’s writing is so genuine, and I found myself bookmarking so many pages on my Kindle, it was kind of like “why don’t I just bookmark every single page while I’m at it?”

So, here goes nothing…

Dear Terri,

You’re only 16, and today’s the day you decided “you know everything there is to know about the world, and no one can tell you otherwise.” Oh….you simply have no idea.

When your mom tells you to stop eating that cookie or you’re going to get fat, don’t let it influence how you eat for the next few years. Don’t go days without eating. It’s not healthy. And she probably didn’t realize how much that one statement was going to have on you and your self image. She was just having a bad day.

Your sister isn’t perfect, she’s just older than you are. Believe me when I tell you, she has her own self-doubts to deal with.

You don’t have to wear a suit to be successful. You might think that only people who wear business attire are successful in this world, but you would be wrong. And when your mom goes over financial aid forms for law school with you and asks, in a serious tone, “do you realize it will cost you $90,000 to attend this one school?” You need to really think about the answer. Don’t just assume you will be making all the big bucks when you’re done. In fact, don’t even assume you will stay in that field for as long as it took you to earn that degree. Because you won’t. And you will search for that perfect career for a long time.  “Older You” is still working on it.

You’re 16, and you think your one true love just broke up with you this year and that life is now over. You would be partly correct. He may have been your one true love, or at least your first true love, but life will go on.

When you get to be in your twenties and it seems like everyone else has their act together and is getting married, and you’re being left behind, just know you’re not. The twenties suck, plain and simple. You don’t have a clue as to who you are, what you want to be, how you want to live your life.

Aside from your divorce, (oops, should I not have said that? Bet you’re wondering who that guy will be, huh?) your thirties will be awesome compared to the suck-ass twenties. Unfortunately, your body will change so that you won’t be able to drink everything you want to like you did in law school without gaining weight from it, but you will finally get a sense of who you are. And you’ll start to care less about what others think of you. That is, until you get divorced anyway, and then you worry about being alone for the rest of your life, and will anyone ever love you again? They will, but not until you stop hating and blaming yourself for everything that went wrong. You weren’t married to yourself, so don’t put it all on your shoulders.

When you’re nearing 40, don’t dread it. Embrace it. And when the thought enters your mind to work out like a crazy person so that you get into the best shape of your life, go for it. Because you will. And because you are strong.  Remember that, because many times in your life, you may have your doubts about that.

Don’t try to act younger, just be yourself. You can go after those young hotties if you want, but just know that they are at a much different stage in their life as you and they won’t be able to handle you, for sure. It will be flattering, of course, but there won’t be any substance there, and don’t try to see something that simply doesn’t exist.

When you hit 40, you might fall in love with someone very different from you. You’ll maybe lose yourself in his dreams there for a little bit, but don’t lose yourself and what your heart has always yearned for.  A good relationship involves compromise from both of you.  When it ends, hold onto the good moments and work through those feelings of loss and loneliness. Because you will feel them, that is for sure. But, remember that you’re not broken.  Remember that your heart has always healed in the past and it will do so again.

When someone tells you that some people think of them as a jerk, believe them and be on the lookout for signs that they may be that way toward you.

Don’t ever attempt to change people.  Know that it takes so much more energy to hate than to be indifferent. Know that you don’t have to live a life just like everyone else – it’s ok to be different. Recognize true friends when you see them in front of you – if you feel you have to act a certain way when around someone and can’t always be yourself, that’s probably not a true friend.

Live each day to the fullest. Because you never know if one day, you might step out off the curb and get run over by a bus. Or, you might live until you’re in your nineties. I’m betting on you living for a very long time.

p.s. You are NOT the crazy cat lady until you have 10 cats. 🙂

A different kind of post….

Terri
In case you are wondering what I look like dressed as a normal person, not in biking/workout clothes! :-)
In case you are wondering what I look like dressed as a normal person, not in biking/workout clothes! 🙂

Ugh.  I don’t normally write on this topic and I don’t even know how to title this post so I’m just going to start writing and let it come to me. So, here it is – dating. Read more →

Holidays can be tough

Terri
my christmas tree
my christmas tree

Luckily, this year won’t be as tough as it has been in the past. When I was first on my own a few years ago, I was terrified at the thought of spending Christmas alone in my apartment. I didn’t think I could bear the sadness and the feelings of guilt that I had created that sadness for myself by deciding to end my marriage. So, I went to my sister and her family and I had a really good time with people who love me and whom I love very much in return.

When deciding whether to come visit me or my brother for Christmas, my mom said “I just don’t want you to be alone for the holidays. As long as you have someone to be with….” and this year I do. My best friend is Jewish and her husband and I both really love the Fast and Furious movies. So, we are going to have a Fast and Furious Paul Walker Memorial Marathon. (And yes, I have agreed to watch even number 3, Tokyo Drift, although I thought it was awful and can’t believe it gets credit for being part of the series. It’s the only one in which Paul Walker does not appear, fyi.)

The holidays can be tough though, if you let them be. I won’t deny that I have had some feelings of wistfulness or nostalgia overcome me over the past few days, knowing that I was down south last year at this time, spending 10 days with the man I loved and meeting his family. That has replaced the feeling of loneliness I used to have, thinking of my ex-husband and how much he loved Christmas. So, that’s a good thing.

As I said to a friend yesterday, when those feelings about last year arise in me, I acknowledge them, and realize they are there for a reason. And then, I think to myself whether it will make me feel good to give into them, or if I can choose to press on forward. I have found that pressing on forward is the best choice, at least for me.  I feel like by acknowledging them, I am not repressing them, but just recognizing them for what they are. Feelings. Feelings that I can choose to let bring me down or wallow in, or feelings to acknowledge how my life has changed.  Guess those anti-depressants are working, huh? 🙂

I don’t mean to be taking any of this lightly. I know it’s more than the medication at work. It’s the hard work I have done on myself that allows me to handle things now. So, some days when I feel like my dream of being on the west coast, training and writing, and helping to save more animals somehow, all while living in my tiny house/RV/shipping container (I’m open to whatever it turns out to be) seems really far away, I try to acknowledge those feelings of hopelessness or sadness and work through them. I remind myself I have focus now, and a great group of friends who I trust will still be there for me when I move. And, there are a couple people out there on the west coast that I will be physically closer to, and with whom the bonds of friendship will be even stronger, I suspect.

When I start to feel sad about what I don’t have, I try to remind myself what I do have. I don’t have as much money saved as I wanted to by this time of year, but I do have more in past years. And I now have a really comfy new-to-me big chair on which I can sit and look out the window, or at all of my furbabies and my christmas tree all lit up. I have freelance work to keep me busy over my days off, family to go to on Christmas Eve, and a warm, comfy roof over my head. It’s a lot more than others have.

Thank you for reading, and have a wonderful holiday (or just day off, if you don’t celebrate it.) In that case, a belated happy thanksigivika to you!

Please drop me a comment below, or like, or subscribe if you have liked this post.

FEAR

Terri

woodsFEAR. It’s a very small word but it has so much power. At least, I’ve let it have so much power over me for most of my life. I’m ashamed to admit it, but am hoping by writing this post, it will lessen its grasp on me some more. My whole life, I’ve looked at people like my younger brother who never seem to be afraid to try things that seem terrifying to me.

 

 My brother decided to ride his bike more than 200 miles from NYC to Boston one weekend. He got the idea and he did it. Just like that. Even when his first bike got stolen two weeks before his planned epic ride, he didn’t give up. He just dove right in. And when I asked him if he was ever worried he wouldn’t be able to do it as planned, he said “nope. I never did. I had that ultrarunner’s perspective the entire time.” When he first brought up the idea to do it, I thought of all the things that could go wrong. He could break down. He could get injured. He could get mugged. The list goes on and on. If it had been me, I don’t think I could have done it. Because of fear.

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