I thought that the first three years after my divorce were really hard. Especially the first one, when at first I tried to fight depression completely on my own without medication. Then, I met someone and fell in love and felt my heart open up a little bit again, and thought, hey maybe I can be happy with someone again. Then, it ended.
This past week, we talked for the first time in 6 months. And I’ll admit, I was a bit screwed up there for a few days. I would reach out to him via text or email, even though every time I did, I felt a bit “weaker.” I’m not sure why I use that word except for the fact that I felt like I was again grasping for approval, much as I had felt when I first started reaching out to people and making new friends a few years ago. As in, each new friendship was THE one and I had to do anything, ANYTHING to make it work. No more. That’s not me.
On Thursday, something just snapped in me. Again. “Don’t reach out. Be strong in your own faith and love for yourself. Trust your heart and your brain to eventually be on the same page again. Because they will be. If he doesn’t reach out again, then there’s your answer. Actually, no, WAIT, don’t even let the other person have control over your destiny again. You’re too strong for that now.” And you know what? I AM!
The last few days I have received some really invaluable advice from my friends (both guys and girls.) They have reminded me of how far I have come, especially over the past several months since I started this blog. I’ve accomplished so much in the past few years. Paid off all my credit cards. Realized who my true friends are and have said good riddance to the rest. Opened my home to more animals than I felt possible that I could care for and have received so much in return. I no longer eat any meat of any sort, and I sleep with an eas(ier) conscience at night because of it. Still have the damned student loans, but as my regular readers know, there’s a plan to beat those into a pulp. I WILL have that tiny/smallish house of my own with beautiful nature or the water around it, and I will wake up every day in it, happy to be alive.
I was told last week that I am sexy, smart, funny, and determined (especially if I put my mind to something) and friendly, and that if someone can’t see that, then it’s their own problem. I was actually told I was friendly, to a fault. As in too trusting. Well, so be it. I’d rather be that than a complete and total bitch that has a chip on her shoulder or a gray cloud hanging over her head every day. This is me, you either ACCEPT me the way I am or you don’t. It’s that simple.
Now if only I could get over that chocolate addiction….but that’s a story for a different day. (Thank God I work out like I do, or I’d be as big as a house, lol.)
By the way, that song I have embedded above – my ex said it made him think of me and what I had gone through before I met him and how I was growing while we were together. As she says in the song, “even on my weakest days, I’m getting a little bit stronger.” Another favorite line of mine: “I’m getting along without you, baby…..”
Thank you to everyone who has had faith in me, and who has my back and loves me. This post really doesn’t do you or your friendship justice, but I appreciate all of it just the same. I just ask that you remind me of this post or my goals from time to time, when it seems like maybe I’m doubting myself or slipping.