Something Just Hasn’t Been Right

I took this photo today on my walk on a trail close to town. At parts of the trail, it is super quiet and you feel miles away from everything.

I took this photo today on my walk on a trail close to town. At parts of the trail, it is super quiet and you feel miles away from everything.

I’m sure we have all had times in our lives when we have sensed that something just wasn’t right. We might not have been able to put our finger on it at first – maybe it was the look of a stranger that told us to not trust them, or an offhand comment. Maybe it was our gut telling us to not take a job but we ignored it and took the job anyway, only to find out that we were pretty miserable soon thereafter. I’m not saying that is the case with me, I’m just using those as examples.

As  many of you know, for the past several months, I have been slowly weaning off of Prozac. You can read my most recent post about my journey here. Earlier posts can be found here (weaning off of Wellbutrin), and here.  (Yes, I was successful earlier this year in weaning off of Wellbutrin.) And also, there was this post from back in 2013.  If  you read through my other posts on depression and anxiety, you’ll see that this is an ongoing battle.

Well, I hope this post doesn’t disappoint people, and if it does, well, I’m sorry, but it’s my life. I need to do what is best for myself and you need to do likewise. Many people were so supportive of me along this journey and for that, I am very grateful. But I have just felt over the past two months that something wasn’t right.

I’ve lost a lot of my motivation to work out and run. This is very unlike me, as many of you know, and especially if you have known me the past five years, either in real life or online.  Literally, some days I have just not given a crap whether or not I work out. True, it could be the depressing atmosphere of the gym in my town now, and the fact that it is super tiny with super old machines and weights. But anyway, it’s just not like me.

I’ve also found myself to be irritable more easily around people. And I’ve begun doubting myself more, and my decisions. With that doubt, the negative self talk has begun again, although it’s not as bad as it has been in the past, such as right after I first split with my then husband. I’ve also not been sleeping well either. True, that could be due to Baby O’s seeming need to get up every two hours to pee or drink something, but I don’t think that’s all it is. I’ve been barely able to keep my eyes open most nights past 8 p.m. It wasn’t that way when I first moved here and started working out really early in the morning. In fact, I was able to easily stay up until 10, having gotten up around 4 a.m.

Before I left Boston, I had a good talk with my therapist and we discussed signs of a relapse. I’ve also talked this over with friends whom I trust, and done a lot of soul searching. A very small part of me feels like a quitter – being *this* close to being antidepressant free, but the thing is, I also use it for anxiety control. So, if I feel like it helps me, I’m going to continue taking it, albeit it at a dosage in between what I have been and what I used to.

When I think back to the last time I felt more like myself, it was a few months ago, and that’s when my body thought it had 30 mg in its systems, so I think that is the dosage I am going to work with. I just bought a three month supply and it was $15, albeit in capsule form. This cost was compared to what 3 months would have been in tablets – over $400. (THAT IS INSANE.)  And with my health care prescription coverage being pretty crappy, I opted to just pay the cash price for it. (A coworker had told me that was the most economical way to do it, so I followed her advice.) I’m going to take my remaining stash of tablets and cut them in half as I’ve been doing for the past month or so, since I went down to 10 mg/day.

My therapist once asked me if I would  look negatively on someone just because they took high blood pressure pills or the like, and I said no, I wouldn’t. She told me to look at my Prozac in the same light, as a maintenance type of medication. She told me it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing is lacking or deficient in me because I am taking it. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. It helps me to be someone I like to be, someone I would want to be around if I wasn’t myself. (I hope that last sentence makes sense, lol.)

So, thank you to everyone for the support, but I think this is the best thing for me to do. I’ll figure out what to do about doctors when the time comes. I already have a name from a friend of someone I can contact if need be.

Thanks, as always, for reading. If this post resonates with you, or  you know someone who you think it might help, please feel free to share it with them.

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20 thoughts on “Something Just Hasn’t Been Right

  1. Hi,

    I have to agree with what your therapist told you, if you need this to make you feel better then that is what it is. You have to do what makes you feel yourself, no judgement here at all. Thanks for sharing your feelings and how you are doing.

    Be well soon 🙂

    Tina

  2. I am also on anti depressants, Zoloft, and will never go off them. When I go off I get edgy and snappy and less patient and I don’t like myself. Do what you got to do to stay happy and well!

  3. Thanks for the post Terri. Nobody knows you or your body as well as You do. Do what you need to do. This time change is whats kicking my ass…seems like at 7 pm, I’m ready for bed. Lol. Seems like every bodies systems are out of whack..not that that’s what’s going on with you. Just know that you are a special and unique divine person navigating life the best you can and nobody is judging you.

    • Thanks, Sonny. You always do make me feel special too, I appreciate that. Funny how some people you just connect with!

      And yes, the other night, it was 7:45 p.m. and I looked at the clock. I thought, “it’s not too early to go to bed, is it?!”

  4. Terri,

    I admire the way you analyze problems and situations. I take blood pressure pills every day (two different kinds), and I never thought of it as being a negative thing. My opinion is that I will take advantage of everything the good Lord gave me and everything medical science can do for me to help keep me functioning. Hang in there. I think you have made a wise decision.

    • Thank you, Jerry. Someone else I know said something similar to me, about taking meds. And thanks for saying that about how I come to decisions. I don’t always feel like I have the best skills at it, but this was one time I needed to listen to my gut and the voice inside my head.

  5. You’re the only one who can determine what’s right for you. Others may try to get you to do what’s right for them, or what worked for them, but we’re each different. True friends don’t judge or pressure others. Have a great Thanksgiving!

  6. Trust your gut, always! Your body and head know best…and you have had alot of major life changes this past year, it all takes some acclimating, doesn’t it? Take care of you and your fur babies ❤

    • Yes, I think that’s part of it – all the major changes in such a short time. Your brain knows it’s a lot to take, and even though I’ve been planning it for a while, planning something and then living it is something else entirely.

  7. I didn’t realize the scope of your journey to get off your meds and I am very impressed by your dedication to your health.. That said, there are times we need the medication we so much want to forget and never see again. I’ve relapsed in the past and it’s still possible I will again, I’ll use what I need and nothing more which is what you are doing. Don’t ever feel you need to explain yourself here to us. Take care.

    • Lois, thank you very much for the support and understanding. People who have been through it really get it. I’m sorry you have relapsed in the past – I know it can be very scary.

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