I’m sure we have all had times in our lives when we have sensed that something just wasn’t right. We might not have been able to put our finger on it at first – maybe it was the look of a stranger that told us to not trust them, or an offhand comment. Maybe it was our gut telling us to not take a job but we ignored it and took the job anyway, only to find out that we were pretty miserable soon thereafter. I’m not saying that is the case with me, I’m just using those as examples.
As many of you know, for the past several months, I have been slowly weaning off of Prozac. You can read my most recent post about my journey here. Earlier posts can be found here (weaning off of Wellbutrin), and here. (Yes, I was successful earlier this year in weaning off of Wellbutrin.) And also, there was this post from back in 2013. If you read through my other posts on depression and anxiety, you’ll see that this is an ongoing battle.
Well, I hope this post doesn’t disappoint people, and if it does, well, I’m sorry, but it’s my life. I need to do what is best for myself and you need to do likewise. Many people were so supportive of me along this journey and for that, I am very grateful. But I have just felt over the past two months that something wasn’t right.
I’ve lost a lot of my motivation to work out and run. This is very unlike me, as many of you know, and especially if you have known me the past five years, either in real life or online. Literally, some days I have just not given a crap whether or not I work out. True, it could be the depressing atmosphere of the gym in my town now, and the fact that it is super tiny with super old machines and weights. But anyway, it’s just not like me.
I’ve also found myself to be irritable more easily around people. And I’ve begun doubting myself more, and my decisions. With that doubt, the negative self talk has begun again, although it’s not as bad as it has been in the past, such as right after I first split with my then husband. I’ve also not been sleeping well either. True, that could be due to Baby O’s seeming need to get up every two hours to pee or drink something, but I don’t think that’s all it is. I’ve been barely able to keep my eyes open most nights past 8 p.m. It wasn’t that way when I first moved here and started working out really early in the morning. In fact, I was able to easily stay up until 10, having gotten up around 4 a.m.
Before I left Boston, I had a good talk with my therapist and we discussed signs of a relapse. I’ve also talked this over with friends whom I trust, and done a lot of soul searching. A very small part of me feels like a quitter – being *this* close to being antidepressant free, but the thing is, I also use it for anxiety control. So, if I feel like it helps me, I’m going to continue taking it, albeit it at a dosage in between what I have been and what I used to.
When I think back to the last time I felt more like myself, it was a few months ago, and that’s when my body thought it had 30 mg in its systems, so I think that is the dosage I am going to work with. I just bought a three month supply and it was $15, albeit in capsule form. This cost was compared to what 3 months would have been in tablets – over $400. (THAT IS INSANE.) And with my health care prescription coverage being pretty crappy, I opted to just pay the cash price for it. (A coworker had told me that was the most economical way to do it, so I followed her advice.) I’m going to take my remaining stash of tablets and cut them in half as I’ve been doing for the past month or so, since I went down to 10 mg/day.
My therapist once asked me if I would look negatively on someone just because they took high blood pressure pills or the like, and I said no, I wouldn’t. She told me to look at my Prozac in the same light, as a maintenance type of medication. She told me it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing is lacking or deficient in me because I am taking it. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. It helps me to be someone I like to be, someone I would want to be around if I wasn’t myself. (I hope that last sentence makes sense, lol.)
So, thank you to everyone for the support, but I think this is the best thing for me to do. I’ll figure out what to do about doctors when the time comes. I already have a name from a friend of someone I can contact if need be.
Thanks, as always, for reading. If this post resonates with you, or you know someone who you think it might help, please feel free to share it with them.
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