Ugh. Â I don’t normally write on this topic and I don’t even know how to title this post so I’m just going to start writing and let it come to me. So, here it is – dating. Read more
A different kind of post….
Category: Soul Searching
Getting Rid of my Debt, Part 8: Questions I Ask Myself
If you are a faithful reader of my blog, first of all, thank you. But you may be wondering how I could go from Part 6 last week to Part 8 this week. Simple. I can’t add. I looked back at my posts and realized last week was actually Part 7. I’m home sick today but had most of this post already written so I thought I would go ahead and hit that old “publish” button. (And now, if you will excuse me, I have to go lie down and take a nap.) Read more
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Holidays can be tough
Luckily, this year won’t be as tough as it has been in the past. When I was first on my own a few years ago, I was terrified at the thought of spending Christmas alone in my apartment. I didn’t think I could bear the sadness and the feelings of guilt that I had created that sadness for myself by deciding to end my marriage. So, I went to my sister and her family and I had a really good time with people who love me and whom I love very much in return.
When deciding whether to come visit me or my brother for Christmas, my mom said “I just don’t want you to be alone for the holidays. As long as you have someone to be with….” and this year I do. My best friend is Jewish and her husband and I both really love the Fast and Furious movies. So, we are going to have a Fast and Furious Paul Walker Memorial Marathon. (And yes, I have agreed to watch even number 3, Tokyo Drift, although I thought it was awful and can’t believe it gets credit for being part of the series. It’s the only one in which Paul Walker does not appear, fyi.)
The holidays can be tough though, if you let them be. I won’t deny that I have had some feelings of wistfulness or nostalgia overcome me over the past few days, knowing that I was down south last year at this time, spending 10 days with the man I loved and meeting his family. That has replaced the feeling of loneliness I used to have, thinking of my ex-husband and how much he loved Christmas. So, that’s a good thing.
As I said to a friend yesterday, when those feelings about last year arise in me, I acknowledge them, and realize they are there for a reason. And then, I think to myself whether it will make me feel good to give into them, or if I can choose to press on forward. I have found that pressing on forward is the best choice, at least for me.  I feel like by acknowledging them, I am not repressing them, but just recognizing them for what they are. Feelings. Feelings that I can choose to let bring me down or wallow in, or feelings to acknowledge how my life has changed.  Guess those anti-depressants are working, huh? 🙂
I don’t mean to be taking any of this lightly. I know it’s more than the medication at work. It’s the hard work I have done on myself that allows me to handle things now. So, some days when I feel like my dream of being on the west coast, training and writing, and helping to save more animals somehow, all while living in my tiny house/RV/shipping container (I’m open to whatever it turns out to be) seems really far away, I try to acknowledge those feelings of hopelessness or sadness and work through them. I remind myself I have focus now, and a great group of friends who I trust will still be there for me when I move. And, there are a couple people out there on the west coast that I will be physically closer to, and with whom the bonds of friendship will be even stronger, I suspect.
When I start to feel sad about what I don’t have, I try to remind myself what I do have. I don’t have as much money saved as I wanted to by this time of year, but I do have more in past years. And I now have a really comfy new-to-me big chair on which I can sit and look out the window, or at all of my furbabies and my christmas tree all lit up. I have freelance work to keep me busy over my days off, family to go to on Christmas Eve, and a warm, comfy roof over my head. It’s a lot more than others have.
Thank you for reading, and have a wonderful holiday (or just day off, if you don’t celebrate it.) In that case, a belated happy thanksigivika to you!
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Little Things for Which I am Thankful
I wish I could say I was thankful for the extremely cold weather we are having in the Northeast, but I can’t. I hate the cold. That’s why I want to move someplace a lot milder! Â However, there are many things I am thankful for this week.
- I was officially offered a part-time front desk job at the gym where I work out – yay! I’m hoping this means that my monthly membership is going to be free, as that would be a savings of $59/month. I’m also really hoping to gain a lot of knowledge about the inner workings of the health and fitness industry. Not to mention that I will be taking all the money I earn from it and put it in my tiny house fund, or to pay off debt! (I’m thinking the tiny house is the place I would most like for it to go.)
- Though it’s been frigid all week, it has made for some incredible sunrises. As I walk into the gym from the bus, I have a great view of the Boston skyline. Some mornings, the sky is a fiery red. The other day, the grayish clouds hanging over the skyline were so solid and opaque looking that they looked like mountains behind the buildings.
- Really frigid mornings make for extremely short “pee and poop” trips outside with baby Osito! If time permits, when we come back in, I hold her on my chest like a baby to help her warm up. Doing that, she gives me lots and lots of doggie kisses!
- I was also contacted by someone to do some freelance research on a book – yay again! This lady is super awesome and so down to earth. And, right now, I’m very focused on doing the best I can do at whatever project I set out to do.
- I’ll be gaining more space in my studio tomorrow when I give my old bike to someone off of Freecycle. It feels good to be giving it to someone who can really use it, and I can already tell by our phone call and our emails, that she is going to REALLY appreciate it.
- The heat broke in my apartment last night, but the guys who take care of the building are so awesome, they had it working again within a half hour! Warm and toasty!
- After the payment I just made today on my personal loan clears, the balance will be about $633!!
- Memories. Yes, memories. They remind me of what life used to be like, and while sometimes they can make you sad, or nostalgic, you can learn from them, time and time again. Literally.
What are you thankful for this week?
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” Happiness is Not a Limited Resource” — Chris Aiff
I wish I could have the introspection and insight of the young man to whom this quote is attributed. I really can’t improve upon his wisdom and that of his family in the video below. The first time I watched it, it really clicked and as many people who have commented on it on YouTube said, it really affected the way I look at things. If we are unhappy, it’s because we make ourselves unhappy. We can choose to go that route, or to go the route of happiness. I choose the latter.
Please let me know what you think of this video. I watched it again tonight and it had a profound impact on me again. I’ll write about my progress that I usually note on Mondays on a later post this week.
Enjoy. Â Even if you cry like I did the first time I saw this, I assure you, the second time through, you will be smiling at his outlook.
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Seriously, where in the crap does it all come from?
I ask myself this every time I have moved and can’t figure out where all the stuff came from.  You know how it is. In the beginning stages of packing, you’re all about being neat and orderly. You label boxes with the contents and room  where they should be placed in your new home. And then, as the move date nears, your decision-making skills go on vacation and you end up with a few boxes labeled “random crap/stuff.” If you say this has never happened to you, well, I don’t want to call anyone a liar, but…..
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Memories
On my day off yesterday, I meant to get rid of a bunch of stuff. The day went by and the intentions were still there, but I hadn’t taken action. Until a friend told me someone from a woman’s shelter was coming by to take some donations and did I want to get rid of anything? They especially wanted yarn and knitting needles.
When you don’t have a car, it’s hard to get rid of stuff sometimes. It’s that extra effort of getting the stuff to the donation box or the Good Will, that stops you. Or, at the very least, slows you down. But this took that problem out of the equation.
Well, I ran around my place like a crazy woman. Got rid of pantyhose (they need them for interviews), blank note cards, resume paper, gift bags, and yes, yarn and knitting needles. The needles were my grandma’s and were the old school type-metal! I had been hanging on to them for sentimental reasons. Knitting had been important to my grandma, or at least I remembered her doing a lot of it. Ergo, they had to be important to me too, right. Didn’t that make perfect sense? Â Long story short, I kept a pair and donated the rest.
I’ve bought a wand scanner with the intention of scanning photos and putting them into a digital photo frame. If I’m going to live in a tiny house, I need to economize where I put things. A digital frame just makes sense. But, I do have a fear of losing the printed photo and then the technology changes, and eventually, I just can’t see the photos anymore. Irrational fear? Perhaps.
Last night, I went to the boxes below my bed and started pulling out the photo albums. I then remembered that’s where I have kept the photos from my wedding and my married life, as well as the years leading up to my marriage with my now-ex husband. When I left, he gave me all the items that we had taken or accrued together of sentimental value. Some thought that to be harsh of him. i realized it was his way of dealing with things, so I took them. At the time, I thought I deserved the guilt of having to relive those memories every time I looked at them. Now, the question is–do I keep the photos? Do I scan them into a separate disk so I still have them but they won’t inadvertently show up in the random display of photos I want to see regularly? Because that would be like a dull knife stabbing me every time, I think.
I watched the video of Dee Williams (embedded above) a few weeks ago and a few times since. In it, she mentions she was engaged to be married at one point in her life. She said she kept the wedding engagement announcement for decades. She finally realized she knew that happened and could let the written record of that happening, go. She knew she could hold it in her heart and inside of herself.
Similar to Dee, I know it (our relationship) happened. I know we had 12 years together. I know that parts of it were very good but it just wasn’t meant to last forever. If it had, I wouldn’t be who I am today. And when I look at them, it doesn’t make me feel that great. I feel a tinge of sadness. So, I think I am getting close to letting the photos go. It doesn’t mean the memories aren’t in me. They will always be there unless I get a mental illness that robs me of them (please please let that not happen!)
I keep thinking of what Dee says in the video–what would you want to hold in your arms as you die? I know that my answer to that question may change over time but I don’t think it would be photos of my wedding and subsequent marriage which ended a few years ago.
What memories do you have difficulty dealing with? Do you have photos like I do that you can’t get rid of or have had difficulty doing so in the past?
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Blue Hydrangeas
Blue hydrangeas. They are my favorite flower and have been as far back as I can remember. I’m not sure if it was because I saw them in Martha’s Vineyard and they were so plentiful near the water, but the image of seeing them as the ferry neared the island has always stuck with me. Read more
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Some Days are Harder than Others
Understatement of the year, I know. But it kind of describes my whole weekend. I felt lonely and really sad. Stuck in place. Knowing I have some things to work through and wondering if the feelings I am experiencing are normal or from hormones or related to the depression I usually think I have beaten. Read more
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Whoever you are, thank you
As part of my writing class, I’m part of a private Facebook group that has been asked about our ideal reader. Â What does our ideal reader or our audience look like, etc.? I’ll be honest, I don’t have a particular type of person in mind. I’m just grateful that someone out there is reading this, and that some have taken the time to leave comments. Read more
Chasing Simple Dreams 