I’m Back – Still Finding My Way

I got a text message from my friend Heather back in ABQ yesterday, saying “Terri, we miss your blog!”  And I wrote her back saying I did too.  I have missed writing here.  So, I am back.  I’m not sure how often I will write in the future – I was writing twice a week at one point, maybe once a week is more realistic.  That will be my goal anyway.

As with all big changes in life, there has been a bit of an adjustment period, and it’s still ongoing now.  The drive from ABQ to southwest Florida took 4 days and 3 nights.  There is a limit as to how many hours I can drive in a day, and how many hours my cats could stay in their carriers before we would all collectively start to lose it.

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I have started numerous drafts over the past three months, always intending to finish them, but something else came up, or I just wasn’t “feeling” like the post was really “me.”  I need to stop always searching for the perfect words, or the perfect tone, and just put it out there.

It was freeing to move with only what I could fit into my car and the car-top carrier.  I miss Morgan though, a whole lot.  I know she is happy with my old roommate, and he sends me pictures of her.  She is getting along better with other dogs, and his new living situation includes another dog and they have become best friends.  I am glad to hear all that, and I know she wouldn’t be happy here in this small apartment, but still, I miss her and all of her goofiness.

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I see pictures that friends post of ABQ, and I remember how beautiful the surrounding areas were.  I see pictures friends have posted of Lake Powell and the awe-dropping, inspiring beauty of the expansive vistas in that part of Arizona and Utah. I miss those scenes but I think back and remember how when I was living there, I just didn’t feel completely like I belonged there.  So, I remind myself, I can always visit.

I have been busy doing lots of side transcription jobs, partly out of necessity.  It’s expensive to live in this part of Florida.  Just a few miles away from me, there is a Bentley dealership.  Right next to the Maserati dealership.  Yes, you heard me right.  A Maserati dealership.  On my way to work, I pass by the Porsche dealership.  There are lots of people in this town with LOTS of money.  Many are retired.

Food is more expensive here, for sure.  But some things are free, or close to free.  I have an annual pass to the state parks, and once I change my license and tags over to Florida, I will be able to get a free beach parking permit.  (Until then, I pay for the meters close to the beaches, but since the sun is so strong, I only go for a couple hours at a time anyway, and even then, I seek out shade whenever possible.)

 

My credit card balance has risen more than I would like it to have.  That’s another reason for the extra transcription jobs. At some times, I feel hopeless about getting them back to zero.  But I remind myself that they were before, I can do it again.  It will just take hard work and discipline.  But then there is that little voice in my brain that reminds me, I can’t live to work.  It’s better to just live, so sometimes on my days off, I push the work aside and go to the beach or just take time off to hold Snuggles in my lap and love on him, or do the same with my kitties.  Because I can’t control the future.  No one can, and I don’t want to spend every moment of every day working.  If something were to happen to me and today were to be my last, I don’t want my epitaph to say, “Well, she worked really hard.”

You may be wondering if I am going to continue school.  For this fall semester at least, no.  I need time to really adjust to my new life here, and I honestly don’t think I can stomach taking out more student loans.  I have read through the Public Service  Loan Forgiveness program and think I may actually qualify.  (I think I misread some of the details in the past.)  So, I’m in the process of filling out the paperwork and figuring out how to contact my past non-profit employers such as Harvard and Best Friends so I can determine how many payments I have made toward that 120 payment requirement since 2007.  (Payments made during times of forbearance or deferment don’t count.)  I believe my present employer also qualifies.  Pray for me that my federal loan nightmare will end soon!!!

I promise to not wait another three months before posting again, I really do.  And for those of you whose blogs I have subscribed to through email, I’ve been getting the updates and reading them.  Sorry for not commenting.  Just, some nights, I have been so exhausted when I get home, I fall asleep on the couch, wake up around midnight, take Snuggles out, and then crash into bed for the next few hours. (Oh and my couch was free, as was a lot of the stuff you see in my new apartment, thanks to some very generous folks.)

I  know it’s all a matter of balance.  I just have to continue looking for it. Thanks for your patience, if you’re still a faithful reader.  I do appreciate the support.

 

 

 

 

 

Moving to Florida!!

Moving to Florida!!

beach 1.jpgThat’s right, I’m moving again!!

My last day at work will be May 15th, and my plan is to start driving eastward on May 17th.  I am so excited to be near a large body of water again, you have no idea!

I won’t keep you in suspense — I am going to be working at a humane society in southern Florida, on the Gulf side, or as they call it there, the “West Coast.” I’m going to be providing animal care to the animals directly, which includes bunnies!! I am also going to be working in adoption, which I have really missed doing since my time with the Animal Rescue League of Boston when I volunteered in cat adoption.

No, I don’t have experience living through hurricanes, but I’ve seen my fair share of blizzards, and well, at least you don’t have to shovel rain. 🙂

Why move back east?  Well, I have now fulfilled a bucket list item of mine, which is to have lived in the west. I used to think I had to live on the west coast, California, to be exact.  That didn’t happen but I have  lived in the southwest now for just under three years.  The landscapes out here are amazing.  Such a feeling of openness.  I have met some AMAZING people everywhere I have lived in the past three years, people that I will always call my friends, and thanks to Facebook, I can keep up with them and what’s happening in their lives.

Living in the desert or very arid climates takes some getting used to.  I have found I really miss cloudy days and days of rain, because you appreciate the good weather days all the more.  I also really miss green.  It’s part of the reason why I have tried to go to the Bosque so often while living in ABQ.  The woods reminded me of back east. And of course, there was the Rio Grande, the only large body of water around.

School is finishing up over the next few weeks, and there is no shortage of transcribing work, so I’ve had some long days over the past few weeks.  While the new humane society is giving me a stipend to move, I won’t get it until I receive my first paycheck, so I’ve been trying to save as much as I can, and work as much as I can right now.  The animal hospital is quite busy (it’s parvo season in an area of the country where it doesn’t get cold enough for that nasty virus to freeze and die.)

Once again, I plan on moving with just my car and the car top carrier.  While you look online and see smart cars towing trailers, etc., they’re really not meant for that.  A Mazda2, technically speaking, could have a trailer put on it, but I don’t want to pay for a hitch and trailer and then have something happen to my car as a result.  While it is a stick shift, it’s a 4-cylinder car and you can tell when it’s loaded down with possessions or lots of people.    It slows down.  And nothing I own really has much monetary value.  My most important items I want to move with are my pets and the urns from my pets who have already gone to heaven.  And pictures of my grandmother.

Morgan is going to stay with my roommate, who she adores.  When he’s around, I cease to have so much importance in her life, and she follows him around like, well, a lovesick puppy.  It’s actually very sweet to see.  And he clearly loves her.   I know it’s for the best where she is concerned — he can give her so much more attention than I can.   And they are calming influences on each other, but still I’m going to really miss her.

So it will be me and the cats and Snuggles making the 4 to 5 day trip.   I suspect Snuggles will spend most of the trip on my lap as Osito did a few years ago.  (Now if only he didn’t weigh about four times as much as she did!)

I’m excited at the idea of living in the same state again as my best friend and her husband, my “movie theatre husband.” 🙂   In August, they are moving to the eastern side of Florida but will only be about 120 miles away from me.  An easy drive!

I’m excited to start fresh again.  To purge what I don’t need and move with only the essentials. I suspect all my sweaters will not be making the trip with me, as will many other items.

So, I will do my best to keep blogging over the next few weeks, but during the move, I suspect this blog will stay pretty quiet.  Driving by myself, I can only handle 400 miles a day or so.  Anything more, and I start to get very sleepy while driving and that’s not safe.  I’ve built in a cushion of time for me to arrive in Florida and get what little furniture I need from neighboring thrift stores.

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In case you are wondering, the photos above are from one of the beaches only a few miles from where I will be living.  On the day I was there, the water temperature was like bath water. 🙂

More updates to come! Until then, thanks, as always, for reading!

Quick update!

Quick update!

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Image from pixabay.com

Hi everyone!

I know it’s been a few weeks since I last posted.  It’s been a crazy three weeks, so I just wanted to take a minute to let you know I’m still alive, and yes, this blog still matters a lot to me.

I’ve been working full time at the animal hospital, as you know.  I’ve also been doing a lot of legal transcription work which is always good for the checking account balance.  School has taken some of my time as well.

Oh, and looking to move to another part of the country – that does take some time too!  So all I will say at this point is that I am going out of town for the next few days for, wait for it…. a job interview!!

It’s been hard to concentrate on much more than my excitement about this trip and this potential job.  If I get it, I will be in a place that is warm year round, lush with greenness all around me! But best of all, I will get to work with homeless animals.  I will get to care for them directly and work at getting them adopted!  I seriously can’t wait!!

It is definitely more expensive to live in this other location, so I’ve been busy looking online, trying to figure out what I could afford if they do like me enough to offer me the job.  An RV is not out of the question, so of course I’ve been researching that a ton.  A studio would be the least complicated way to go, but of course, there is the question of my pets.  It would be me, Snuggles, and the three cats.  Morgan is going to stay with my roommate because they are a match made in heaven and he can give her more attention than I can. Plus, she just simply ADORES him.

So stay with me folks, even though I have not posted much the past few weeks.  I promise, I have not forgotten about this blog.  In fact, I’ve been reading through some of my old posts and trying to figure out how to work with some of the underlying themes of those posts and kind of shape them into chapters for my memoir that I’m working on for my writing course.  🙂

And, wish me luck!!!!! I get a good feeling about these folks.  By the way, the photo above is my hint to you as to an area close to where I will be this week.

 

Indecision . . . questioning . . . what is the “most good?”

Indecision . . . questioning . . . what is the “most good?”

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Image from pixabay.com 

Hi everyone!!

In case you didn’t know, I was out of town for about 11 days, from March 1st to the 11th.  Went to Boston for my dad’s memorial on March 3, and then went to Florida for a conference and to spend some time there on my own.  Since returning home, I’ve been pretty busy!!

Florida:

I LOVED Florida!! I met a lot of really nice people (one guy even gave me a big piece of finger coral which I now have sitting on my desk to remind me of my time there.)  I visited two animal sanctuaries while I was there and individual  posts will be forthcoming about those.  One was Octagon Wildlife Sanctuary in Punta Gorda, Florida (Gulf Coast side), and the other was Journey’s End Animal Sanctuary in Deland, Florida (Atlantic Coast side).  I met friends in Sarasota who I first met online via Twitter so many years ago! They were super supportive to me during my going through a divorce, so it was so nice to finally meet them and give them big hugs, and meet their kids and their dogs.

Always value the friends you make online.  For me, I think I have made some lifelong friendships that way.

I also went to a humane education conference, which was enlightening for me.  Many of the traditional humane education positions include working at an animal shelter, and with groups of kids, running things like camps and birthday parties.  I think I’ve been pretty honest on here before about my wanting to work with kids, as in, not so much.  So I need to rethink what I want to do with my humane education part of my life, going forward.  There are so many ways to use a humane education background so I’m not worried that it won’t get put to good use.

Indecision:

Many of you know I took a HUGE pay cut when I left Harvard Law Library.  HUGE.  60K HUGE. In addition to taking that cut, I can no longer put as much into retirement (of course, I no longer will need as much since my priorities as to what I need to be comfortable have changed). I also get much less time off, and the health benefits through my current company are not great.

I’ve been struggling with the notion of discontinuing the formal schooling of humane education and trying to get positions just based on what I already know and my background of experiences.  I’ve been told by a few people that I don’t need to do anymore school.  So, most likely, this semester is my last.

No education is ever wasted.  I have learned so much during these past two semesters, especially regarding how I communicate about certain issues, and my word choices.   My teachers have asked us to respond to tough questions, and they are so supportive.  I wish I had had them earlier on in my life, because I think my career path would have taken a much different path.  But….you can’t change or shape the past, only your future, so onward and forward!!

You can’t change or shape the past, only your future, so onward and forward!

Determining “most good”

I’ve been struggling with the idea of how I can do the most good for animals.  Is it by working with them directly?  Or by working at a job that  pays more but might not be necessarily working with them in a hands-on manner, or with an organization specifically dedicated to improving the rights and lives of animals?  I know, only I can know the answer to these questions.

I have seen law library jobs posted (including one at my former employer, Harvard) which I know I am qualified for.  Obviously, they pay more than one that has me working directly with animals.  Working at a job like that again would help to engage the intellectual part of my brain during those hours when I am working for my paycheck and can make a positive impact on my bank account balance.  I could help to donate more  money to causes about which I care.  All of those details are positives.

I think you know when you are doing the “most good” when you are excited to do something every day.  A lot of people say that you don’t have to change the world for all animals, as long as you change the world of a few.  Well, I think I’ve done that for some, but I also don’t feel like I’m way near the completion of improving the lives of many, many animals.

Quandaries:

There is this difficult psychological hurdle to get over when considering returning to a former type of career.  While I know that all life experiences are learning opportunities, a small part of me thinks that by returning to such a life, I’m giving up on my dreams.  Admitting defeat.

The rational side of my brain knows that if I were to go back to being a librarian, I’m not giving up on my dreams.  I’m just making a trade-off.  I might be able to help a larger number of animals if I can donate more, financially, to the cause of animal welfare.  And I will still be able to volunteer on my days off.

But, will I be happy?  Read on, below. 🙂

Trusting my Intuition and Making Decisions:

I have spent some time talking to good friends and a trusted teacher.  She asked me a question that really helped me think.  She told me to imagine that I had interviewed for my old job, gotten it, and was getting ready to return to Boston.  How did I feel?

I hesitated for a bit.  My intuition knew the answer.  My brain just felt hesitant in saying it.  But once I said my answer aloud, it was like I was giving myself permission to say good bye to a portion of my life.  The answer was “I feel like I have a pit in my stomach.  That’s how it makes me feel.”

I also told my professor that as I see jobs listed for animal sanctuaries or shelters, I get excited about applying and the possibilities that are out there for me to explore.  And that tells me something about myself.  I just can’t go back to a job that I once held, without knowing I have exhausted all avenues of finding the right place for me, first. Does that make any sense?

The long and short of it is that I will never be  a rich person, not in the monetary sense.  And I think I have finally made peace with that.  I just spent the past 6 1/2 hours today volunteering at a spay and neuter clinic along with so many other people who had given up their free time to provide a much-needed service in New Mexico and so many other places. It felt amazing.

You know something else?  I didn’t feel like what I did today at the spay and neuter clinic was work.  The time flew.  To me, that’s how I know I was doing what I needed to be doing and what I am meant to be doing.

I didn’t want to leave but knew I had to, as I have homework and freelance work to do today, and maybe get a visit in at the gym or a run at the Bosque.  (I’ve begun work with another transcription company as a legal transcriptionist.  It’s a small company, which I like.  The CEO even called me last week to welcome me aboard as a contractor and in his words, to collaborate on projects.)  I like that when I am working on a new transcription project, I’m always learning about a new topic.

Looking forward:

I have an interview this week via Skype for a position I think I am well suited for, and for an organization that is rapidly growing, so I like the idea of the potential growth something like that can include.  I’m not one of those people who needs to feel like they are always moving upward in a job to feel like they are successful.  But I do like the idea of being able to contribute a lot.  So WISH ME LUCK!  (And if it doesn’t come through, then I know the right place and job is still out there, waiting.  The right place is out there.   I just have to have hope that we will find each other.)

And thanks for reading as always, and being patient these past few weeks since I last posted.  Now that I am back in ABQ, for now, anyway, I will try to get back on track with more regular posting.

Have you ever had to make a decision between taking the safe route or finding your way to a destination unknown? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On Sharing, Being Awake, and Vegan Dog Food

On Sharing, Being Awake, and Vegan Dog Food

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Image courtesy of Pixabay.com

When I interviewed for the Humane Education program, the director asked me how I would deal with coping with some of the information I would learn about.  How would I keep my spirits up when some of what I will read and see is the sort of thing that most people would turn their eyes away from, like the ASPCA commercial that has Sarah McLachlan’s song, “Angel” playing in the background?

To be honest, it’s been hard sometimes. Luckily, one of my coworkers went completely vegan at the beginning of the year so I have someone else to talk to about the whole factory farming thing and why we have both gone vegan. With her, I don’t have to hear “I’ll never be able to NOT eat meat,” or “Why don’t you eat dairy?  The cow has to give milk and it’s not like they’re killing her for the milk.” She “gets it” when I say that I don’t want to be part of causing any animal pain, and she doesn’t look at me like I’m nuts when I say that I’m considering feeding my dogs a vegan diet such as V-Dog.

It can be kind of depressing (or maybe disheartening is a better word) to see what is happening to so many animals every day and know you can’t stop all of it.  Add to that the quandaries you find yourself in, trying to figure out how to best spread the message about becoming vegan or vegetarian, or how our climate is changing every day, or why it’s better to adopt an animal or rescue one off of the streets instead of buying one from a breeder, thereby encouraging the use of puppy mills or the existence of backyard breeders.  Some days, you wish you could still be ignorant of a lot of the pain and suffering that animals go through for humans.  But deep down, you know it’s better to be awake and aware, than to not know what really goes on behind slaughterhouse walls.

So, you push through things and you watch or see images that hurt your heart.  But you do it because the animals need someone to be their witness.  Someone to be their mouthpiece.  I also tell myself that my brief suffering of watching the event is nothing compared to having actually gone through it.

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Image courtesy of pixabay.com

I’ve found that I have needed to spend some time out in the sun and a lot of time holding Snuggles close to me, especially when watching documentary films like The Witness or Earthlings.  I’ve also found writing in my journal to be so helpful in guiding me through the crazy maze of my thoughts.  Posting on here has been cathartic too.

I try to not beat myself up for having eaten animals and related products in the past, or for having worn wool and used products that involved animal testing. That was when I didn’t know better.  All I can do is help the animals now, going forward, both by my own actions and lifestyle choices and by writing posts like this one from January.  (In case you want to see more animal issues awareness posts of mine, look here.  And for other posts about my love for animals, look here.  Of course, there is some overlap.)  In case you are wondering, yes, I still have plans to make lots of updates to this website and making changes to incorporate suggestions that some of you generously offered in response to my post of last December when I requested input from you, my readers!

Last night, I came across a job board called VeganJobs.com.  You have no idea how excited that made me!  These past few weeks, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been spinning circles, trying to figure out how to earn a living wage while still working in an animal-related job.  Unless you are the executive director of a shelter or sanctuary, the jobs are usually very low-paying and as I have my student loans, I can’t afford to take a job at any less than what I am now.  It’s hard enough at my current salary level.

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Image courtesy of pixabay.com

It was on VeganJobs.com that I came across the website, Bite Size Vegan and her corresponding YouTube channel.  She has so many educational videos on her channel, and many can be shown to kids or young adults. I want to help spread the word about the incredible work she is doing so I am sharing it here.  Please go give her some love!

My last few posts have been longer than normal, so I’ll stop this one here today.  Today, I’m feeling more upbeat and hopeful about things.  I may not be chosen for the jobs I’ve  applied for but now I know there are jobs out there that I would love to do and for which I feel qualified.  There is light out there at the end of the tunnel.

As always, thank you for reading.  Please share if you know someone who you think can benefit from reading it.  And as always, comment if you have any thoughts!

 

 

On making decisions: learning, writing and living

On making decisions: learning, writing and living

Image from pixabay.com

I have definitely been decision-impaired at times in my life.  Paralysis by analysis is one term with which I have been intimately familiar.  I’ve also been known to research and research and research, thinking that if I have that one last strand of information, I can make a decision and feel confident about it. But I know what that is — it’s another form of procrastination, in disguise.  Because the thing is, sometimes you just have to make decisions in life and then go with it, dealing with the results or consequences as they may fall.

On Learning:

One thing I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, and I think I may have mentioned it in an earlier post, is to cease school after this semester.  I have loved the classes I have taken so far feel like I’ve learned a lot, and met some people with whom I’ve really connected, but it is a matter of $$$.   (I hate that money can have such an effect on our lives but feel it is inescapable sometimes.)

On Writing:

The courses I’ve taken over the past two semesters have taught me the value of language.  I am so much more cognizant of the words and tone I use now.  Through the animal protection classes, I have again experienced such physiological effects as I read through some assignments, that I know in my heart, I am meant to do something in my life where animals are concerned.

I also know in my heart that I am meant to use my writing skills for good.  I was born with them for some reason, and have realized I can really move people sometimes by the words I choose and subsequent images I create in their mind.  I’ve recently pictured myself traveling around to animal sanctuaries around the country, talking to their founders or workers in an effort to spread the word about their good deeds.

Having worked at an animal sanctuary for even only six months, I know how how much work it involves, and how exhausting it can be.  There is precious time available at the end of the day to self-promote or market or attempt to raise funds in order to continue doing such beneficial work.

Consequently, I’ve been thinking of ways to help those sanctuaries in a way that can be sustainable for myself, i.e., help to ultimately create an income. One thing I’ve mentioned in the past is grant writing and recently, conversations with my sister-in-law, Geneva (writer extraordinaire behind It’s Not a Slow Car, It’s a Fast House) have reminded me of that as an option.  In a way, grant writing is one form of marketing the positive qualities of an organization.

As with anything, every choice involves compromises. 

Grant proposals require the power of persuasion, writing and research skills.  One thing law school teaches you is how to construct an argument and to see situations from multiple angles, how to acknowledge your weaknesses but in the best, most positive light.  Being a reference librarian requires kick-ass research skills and a thirst for knowledge and learning.  Humane education also teaches you these similar skills but also provides you with a base of knowledge that law school and library work don’t encompass.

I’ve also thought of creating a directory of sorts for animal sanctuaries in the country as part of my dream of visiting and talking with many of them. (I need to see if something of the type already exists, and if so, what hasn’t been covered by such a resource.)

One reason why these ideas appeal to me is because they would allow me to spend more time with my animals.  It pains me to leave them every day that I have to go to work for 7-8 hours at a time.  They are my world!

On Living Choices:

Any occupation involving animals usually doesn’t pay well.  I’ve known this and have changed many of my habits and routines to accommodate this.   Moving forward, if I were to support myself with my writing, I would need to keep my living costs as low as possible.

My friend Dan has had conversations with me ad nauseum about what it’s like to live out of a small abode and with cats.  (Bless him, he’s still my friend!)  Geneva has also had many of those conversations with me.  I’ve gone back and forth between loving the small travel trailers like Scamps and Casitas, versus motorhomes such as a small Class C or a Class B like his Pleasureway or even a van that has been converted into a tiny mobile home.  I’ve also been considering what it would be like to buy something like a shuttle bus (14 passenger or so) and convert that into a mobile home.

I’ve decided that if I eventually turn nomadic in my living situation, a travel trailer won’t work.  Cats are creatures of routine and habit and really don’t like change.  To have to put them in carriers every time I go somewhere is not a great life for them. And if I am going to be a solo female traveling, a mobile living vehicle makes the most sense, both in terms of money as well as safety and convenience.  If a situation or location doesn’t feel right to me, being able to jump quickly into the driver’s seat will be important.  Having a space for the animals to call their own and have a cat tree of sorts will be necessary.

If I end up in a stationary setting for whatever occupation I ultimately find myself in, it will involve living tiny and simply.  Of that much, I am sure.   Until then, I find myself saving as much money as I can.

So what does this all mean and involve?

It means I will need to, again, embrace my fears and push through them.  It means I need to really focus myself on continuing to build skills and have the confidence in myself to start promoting them.  It means talking to a lot of people in Florida at the upcoming APHE Conference and finding out if my ideas are viable options to pursue. It means I need to put myself out there and quite possibly, face a lot of rejection.

But I also might find out a lot about myself in those processes and meet some really great people doing some highly valuable and beneficial work.

The saying, “Life is a journey” can be very overused, but in my case, it is certainly true.

Question for you, the reader:

thank you to those who have made it this far in my post!  Here is my question to you:

Do you know of animal organizations or sanctuaries that might benefit from having someone like me reach out to them and see if partnering up on a grant proposal or other form of marketing might be beneficial? 

A few readily spring to mind for me already but I am always interested in learning of others.

Thanks, as always, for reading. And remember, it’s good to share if you think someone can benefit from reading this post and/or connecting with me.

Staying motivated, journalling, side hustling, and goal setting.

Staying motivated, journalling, side hustling, and goal setting.

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Do you feel inspired when you see a blank sheet of paper like in this photo above? Or does it stress you out?

I don’t know about a lot of you but I journal just about every day.  A blank page in a notebook is actually exciting to me because writing helps me to stay grounded and focus on what is going on in this befuddled brain of mine and put things in some semblance of order. Below is the abbreviated version of the thoughts rumbling around in my head for the past week or so.

Side hustling:

I haven’t been blogging as much over the past week or so because I’ve been doing a lot of transcribing for my friend Elaine.  Have to do the side hustle work when you can get it!  None of that time is wasted as I am continuing to learn about topics of which I knew almost nothing about beforehand. The day I stop learning is a day I never want to experience!

I am continuing to do the Proofread Anywhere class with the goal of eventually being able to do that as freelance income. It’s actually helping me to become a better writer.  I’m re-learning a lot of grammar rules that I forgot so long ago.  So while it may appear that by going through those exercises, I’m digressing from my other goals, I don’t see it that way.  I see them all melding together in a beneficial way.

Changes to finance goals:

With the new tax bill providing me with a whole $15 per pay check (note the sarcasm), I decided to increase my 401(k) contribution to 8% of my paycheck.  An additional $9 per paycheck, but as anyone knows when saving for long term goals, every little bit helps.  Plus, the government gets $1 less per paycheck this way if my calculations are correct.  Every extra dollar for me is a dollar less for them, so I’m okay with that!

I’ve learned that many of my coworkers (including my boss) don’t have a 401(k) set up yet and the thought of that scares the bejesus out of me, to be my age (45) and not have anything saved up.  That was the situation with my mom – never had a 401(k) and I REFUSE to let that become me.

I am starting to plan on paper for what I want to happen over the next 12 months, monetarily-wise.  That involves making some good headway on my auto loan, of which the balance is currently $4,079.12.  My monthly payment has been $141.42.  I plan on increasing that to about $155/month.  That way, I have made at least one extra payment on it by the end of the year.

I’m revamping my budget to see where things can be cut and how I can save more money on things like groceries.  Becoming a full vegan will help, as a lot of the junk foods that I used to eat would contain things like cheese or milk  chocolate, so I will be eating better as well. I’ve taken my lunch to work for years, but now it involves a salad pretty much every day and I’m learning ways to make the salad more filling (using tofu, adding peanuts, etc.) so I’m less likely to snack during the day or crave something that isn’t good for me.  And really – veggies and other produce don’t have to be expensive if you are careful.

I have decided I really need to live by a budget if I am going to get ahead.  A future post will lay it all out.  I need accountability partners for it!

Writing goals:

Due tomorrow for my Writing for Social Change class is a plan regarding what project I want to work on for the semester, with the goal of having something to publish.   I’ve decided to write a memoir, and I’m learning that it’s definitely different than writing your autobiography.  (That’s a good thing because my autobiography could probably be used by people who suffer from insomnia.  They wouldn’t need any sleep aid after that! LOL).

From all the memoirs I’ve read, I’ve learned something.  Also, I have realized that writing this blog is kind of like writing my memoir in a way.  With each of my posts, I hope to touch someone’s heart or soul and inspire.  That’s why I share as much as I do in my posts.  I want to give words or comfort to someone else who might have experienced the same as me or had the same thoughts as me, but who just can’t put those into words.

By tomorrow, I need to and shall have a schedule prepared for just how I plan to accomplish that over the next few months. It is going to involve a lot of my telling my inner editor to Shut the F Up! 🙂  I am not sure yet how it will all unfold but I do know that animals will probably play a prominent role in my writing of it. My pets and my love for animals are behind so many of my decisions.

Accountability Partner:

I have already asked my friend Dan if he would like to be a reader of mine for my memoir.  He knows me very well and will be able to tell if what I’ve written just doesn’t sound like something I would say, or if something is coming across to the reader in one way but is meant to be understood in a different way.  He’s always been blunt with me about things, and sometimes I even ask him to play devil’s advocate.  He’s the one who tells me to “Focus, focus, focus!!” when I start telling him about all of my goals and thoughts and they seem to be bouncing all over the place.  I need that, trust me!  By the way, if you want to follow him on youtube, he is known as Wander Dano.  After watching his recent video on why he chose his Class B, I have to say, he really has me thinking about saving up for one.

Thank you:

I wanted to thank those of you who have written comments or sent me messages about my dad.  He died on Sunday morning, ten years to the day that his younger brother died from early-onset Alzheimers.  It is for the best, and all of my siblings and I will be converging at Boston in the very beginning of March for his wake service.  He is being cremated so it can be pushed back until then.  Although the circumstances suck, it will be really good to see my friends again and to have all five of us together again.

Below is a picture of all of us at my brother’s wedding this past May.  In case you’re wondering, I’m the short girl standing next to the really tall guy in the suit!!

 

family

We range in age from 44 (the groom) to 58 – if you ask me, I think we look pretty damn good for our ages!! My oldest brother, Mike, is on the right, and is currently overlanding through South America with his wife, Geneva.  (And yes, “overlanding” is a real word.)  You can read about their adventures at It’s Not a Slow Car, It’s a Fast House.  He will be flying to Boston from Nicaragua.  His wife, Geneva, writes most of the posts and she is a great writer, so please check out their blog.  You’ll learn a lot!  Living an unconventional life appears to agree with him, wouldn’t you say?

What kinds of activities do you do to ground yourself?  How do you make plans or do you make plans on a yearly basis, or longer or shorter?  Anyone out there willing to be an accountability partner with me about any of my goals?  Especially my financial ones??  Please comment below!!

This post has already become much longer than I planned, so as always, I thank you for reading.  Please share it if you think it will help someone else out, or resonate with someone.

 

 

 

 

Thank you letters: Thank you, Grandma

Thank you letters: Thank you, Grandma

Image from pixabay.com

With thoughts of my dad dying in my head, I keep returning to think of my maternal grandmother.  She was the only grandmother i was able to ever get to really know.  Her husband, my grandpa, died when my mom was 17.

My paternal grandparents died back in the early and late 1980s.  I wish I had known my paternal grandpa better – he seemed like a really cool guy, but unfortunately they also lived in Portland, Oregon, so we didn’t get to see them much.  My paternal grandmother was definitely not the touchy-feely type of grandma, even when she moved closer to my dad after Grandpa died.  I always felt like I was visiting a distant great aunt when I would see her.  So when I tell someone about my grandma, it’s my mom’s mom I’m talking about.

If you have someone in your life that you love even 1/16th of how much I loved my grandma, I hope you can write a letter to them today and make sure that they read it., or that you read it to them.  Because you never know what tomorrow will bring.  So, here goes …

*************************************************************************************

Dear Grandma,

I want to thank you for loving me.  For making me feel so special, even from the very beginning.  I remember you telling me one time, “It was always you and me.  Your mom had your sister by the hand and was holding Jamie, so I would pick you up and carry me. You never wanted to walk when you could be held. So I would hold you.”

Thank you for always tucking me in, even when I was a teenager, when I would sleep over at your house.  I remember you would tell me to move toward the center of the bed  so that I wouldn’t fall out of it.  You would tuck the blankets in so tightly, I felt like a caterpillar in a cocoon. That was always the way you were – wanting to keep me and my brother and sister from getting hurt.

Thank you for having taught me to appreciate the beauty of a sunset.  I remember all those times that you would yell out, “Children, hurry come!! Hurry before you miss it!”  And we would run to where you stood, looking out your kitchen window at the beautiful colors in the sky.  Your eyes used to light up so bright.  It’s because of you that I love seeing and smelling bright, colorful flowers and to enjoy the sound of birds chirping.

Thank you for always having that grape Hubba Bubba gum we always liked in your “snack dishwasher” that never worked as long as I could remember.   Thank you for introducing me to the wonderful idea for a snack of icing on crackers.  Saltine or Ritz, either one was awesome.

Thank you for teaching me to always be prepared and have some food staples on hand.  I remember your Reserve Food Cabinet being next to the actively used food cabinet.  It taught me to never take food for granted.  I know now why you sometimes ate ramen noodles in tomato soup.   It wasn’t that you loved it.  You just scrimped and saved to ensure we never needed for anything that you could provide.

Thank you for always being such a good sport and putting up with my trash talking your Yankees when I was in Boston and became a Red Sox fan.  I remember you used to just laugh and laugh on the phone.  God, you put up with a lot! 🙂

Thank you for always being there for my mom and for all of us, especially when times were tough, financially and personally.  You left your family behind in Pennsylvania to move to upstate New York to be with us when you could have easily decided not to.   Thank you for taking care of my mom when you died, leaving her your house and the security it would provide.

Thank you for having helped shape me into the strong woman I am or try to be, anyway, today.  Thank you for always having had that Serenity Prayer on the wall in the kitchen, right next to where we would eat.   Those are words I try to remind myself of today when something upsets me – to know the times when something is truly out of my control so that I stop letting it upset me.

I want to thank you for opening your eyes at the end and looking right at me.  I remember the tear that fell down your cheek, and I knew you were truly there with me in that moment. I knew you didn’t want to leave me or any of us, but I know you needed to.  That’s why I told you “If you have to go, you just go.”  I knew you understood what I was saying, and not saying.  Thank you for that last gift of special understanding between us.  I always felt like we had this amazingly strong bond.  We did, didn’t we?

Grandma, I know that some people don’t believe in guardian angels, and if they do exist, that they’re not family members who have gone before you.  But I feel like you’re mine.  I know you watch out for me.  How else can anyone explain the feeling of a hand on my back when I was out for a run once and said aloud, “I think I need a little help.”

I know you visited me in a dream not too long after you died, to give me the message that you were okay.  You were in good health. I know it was an actual visit and not just a dream.  Otherwise, how could I have felt the way I did when I woke up, and how I feel remembering that, even now?

Thank you for loving me.  You made me feel so special.  I truly feel that you were my soulmate, and so I know we’ll be together again at one point.  Until then, you are always in my heart.  I love you.

Terri

 

 

On Death, Dying, and Saying Goodbye

On Death, Dying, and Saying Goodbye

I had a conversation with my sister today that has made me think about death and dying, and saying goodbye.  She told me she listens to this song below and it never fails to remind her of our grandmother.  So, I’d like to share this video with you, as it has really touched me to my core.  The song is Supermarket Flowers, by Ed Sheeran.

Remembering my Grandma and Grandma Helen

My best friend back in Boston is basically a younger sister to me.  Her family treated me as one of them, and they were the hardest thing for me to leave behind in Boston.  Her grandmother died last week.  She was 98.  When I heard that she was expected to only live for about a week, it brought me back to the last week of my grandmother’s life.  Both of them, I think, made up their minds when they were ready to go.  For my grandmother, it was that she had a DNR, and didn’t want to be kept alive on a feeding tube after her major heart attack and stroke.

For Sarita’s grandmother, she refused to take antibiotics again.  Sarita told me that lately she had gone from being sick, taking antibiotics and getting better, to needing them again, and it was just a cycle over and over.  Sarita thinks she had had enough and was ready to go be with her grandpa.  I am very grateful that when Grandma Helen died, it was peaceful and in her sleep.  That was best for her and her family.  Sarita had lived with her for the past six years.  I envy her for that time she was able to spend with her, even if at times, she did drive her crazy.  The people we love have a tendency to do that, don’t they?  I think I used to surprise Grandma Helen when I would go to hug her before I would leave, but it just felt natural to do it.  So,  I did.

I know my grandma was ready at the end.  I also firmly believe I was not the only presence in the room with her during those last 24 hours.  My sister was also there for a good portion of the time, and had my (now 17) nephew with her.   My grandma slept a lot for those last few days, but I do remember this moment when my sister put Sean onto my grandmother’s lap.  He was just shy of his first birthday at the time.

Sean reached out and touched my grandma’s hand, and she reacted back to him. It’s hard to put into words how I felt, seeing that.  It was like something other worldly took place in that exchange.  She had been asleep before that.  But I remember the look of peace on both of their faces.  My nephew, of course, doesn’t remember it, but I do.  And I always will.  I know how proud my grandma was of him.  He was her first great-grandchild.  I’m so sad that she was never able to meet Jack and Katie, but something tells me that she knows of them now.   I know her heart would burst with pride if she could see how all of them are turning out.

There were moments during those last twenty-four hours when I know she was looking over my head at someone or something.  Her eyes were quite focused, and she tried to speak.  I knew then and now that she wasn’t talking to me.  And that was okay with me then and it is now.   I know at the very end, her eyes were focused on me.  I know she heard me when I told her that if she needed to go, she should just go.  I knew she would be at peace.  And I know she understood me, that I was saying she should go be with my grandpa and her family, especially her sister Helen who had died so many years before.  (There’s that name again.  Helen.)

My Dad

My dad is in the Boston area now.   He’s 81.  He’s never taken good care of his body, so he has some liver issues, Parkinson’s, skin cancer issues in the past, and dementia or Alzheimer’s.

I was primarily raised by my mom since I was eight.  My parents split.  I’m not angry at either of them.  It’s just I don’t really feel much toward my dad.  He’s not a bad person.  We just have never had much of a relationship.  I don’t blame him.  I don’t blame me.  It is what it is.

My older brother  Eric has been his primary caretaker for the past few years.  He handles his finances and everything. It also takes a toll on my sister-in-law, Judi.  Eric emailed all of us with an update on our dad, and it involves him being moved to a long-term care facility.  He said he’s lost a lot of weight, and that it has been decided to put him on comfort care.  Without him even having to say it, I know what this means.  It’s probably not long, although my dad being as stubborn as a mule, he might just surprise us all and live for a lot longer.  (Even when my parents were together, doctors were saying if he continued living, eating and smoking as he did, he wouldn’t live another ten years.  Well, I’m 45 now, so you do the math.  They were clearly wrong.)  My brother said he could understand if we didn’t come, but that if we wanted to, this might be a good time.

It’s weird but I don’t feel much when hearing all of this.  I’m not sad, or regretful or angry.  It just is what it is.  Unlike my siblings, I have never really yearned for a relationship with my dad.  I’ve never felt like I missed anything, other than when I hear my friends like Sarita talk about their dads.

My dad is not a bad person.  He wasn’t perfect then or now, but no one is.   I just know that if I will  head back to Boston at some point, it will be when he’s gone.  And I will go because of my siblings.  I know they will need the support.

Maybe a part of me is dead inside, but it’s how I feel.  I didn’t say goodbye to my dad, really, when I left Boston 2 1/2 years ago.  I figured with his mental acuity diminishing at that time, he might not even realize I was gone.  Possibly I tell myself this because it makes me feel less guilty for not having acted like a better daughter in that way.  But it’s also in the past and there’s nothing I can do to change that.

Do I fear I will regret not going home now to say goodbye?  I don’t think so.  Maybe I will get his number at the new facility and give him a call.  If I do, I know it will be awkward and strained.  Somewhat forced, like in a way, I am talking to a stranger, because even though we are related by blood, we don’t really know each other well, and never really have, when it comes down to it. Again, I’m not assigning blame.  Just saying it like it is.

Lily and Stinky

It is hard to explain the pit that I feel in my heart when an animal dies, either in a documentary, or in a story I’ve just read (such as the short story, “Meat,” by C.S. Malerich, in Among Animals, a compilation of short stories published by Ashland Creek Press.)  It brings tears to my eyes.  I have a tightness in my throat. It compels me to ask “WHY??”

This week, I was mentally drained on two occasions.  Stinky was a rottweiler whose owners couldn’t afford to really care for him the way he needed to be cared for.  He was four years old and completely blind, from what, we didn’t really know.  But he was euthanized.  Before his owners made that decision, he and I bonked heads/faces together and I bled a little.  That’s not what bothered me, not by a long shot.  What bothered me is that his owners didn’t stay with him for the procedure, and that because of his accident with me, I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold him and  tell him what a good boy he was while the doctors gave him the life-ending injections. So, my boss volunteered to be with him. I was and am so grateful to her for that.

Lily was a gorgeous 11 year old border collie mix.  After having gone through a lot of testing, it was found that she had a large mass on her liver.  I’m not sure what the care for that would entailed, but her owner decided to have her euthanized.  He was very shaken up and couldn’t be with her at the end.  So, I told him I would, and I’m super grateful to my co-workers who allowed me the time away from the desk to do so.  I held her head in my right hand and with my left kept stroking her incredibly soft long fur and kissed her head on the head a lot and told her what a good girl she was.  I told her she might see a little white chihuahua soon and that her name was Osito, and that she could play with her and all of my other babies up at the Rainbow Bridge.  As with my grandmother, I saw the  light go out of her eyes at the end.

I know Lily had an idea what was happening when I took her back to the treatment area without her dad and removed her collar and leash for him.  Whereas before she seemed to be smiling with all the attention she was getting from the nurses as they shaved some fur in order to place the catheter, she seemed much more subdued.  She didn’t struggle when I held her and she seemed to just accept it.  I was very glad it was quick and peaceful.  And I was very glad that the doctor let me hold her in my arms.  Because no animal should ever have to die alone, without someone telling them that they are loved.  Ever.

Many people say they don’t know that they could do something like that.  I think you find out what you are capable of when the situation calls for it.  All I know is, I do it because I HAVE to.  It’s not part of my job description.  I just can’t stomach the idea of them dying without being loved at the same time.

I know this post has been much longer than most of mine are, so I thank you for sticking with me all the way to the end.  I needed to put this out there.  If you think it can help someone else, please do share it.  If you have any thoughts on any of this, please feel free to comment below.

Many thanks.

 

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