Category: Soul Searching

Selling the RV, moving into a studio

Terri

IMAG0566.jpgSome of you may be disappointed upon reading my blog title, but yes, it’s true. I am selling the RV and moving into a studio. I feel in my heart it’s the right thing to do. It’s one less stress on my mind at a time when I’ve felt a whole lot of stress and overwhelmed-ness. I move in on April 1st, and will have the assistance of a friend to move my large cat tree and a recliner chair, plus the table and chairs he has offered to give me for free.

The studio is furnished and comes with basic cable and internet. I’m responsible for the electric, but the place is only 499 sq feet so I don’t think it will cost too, too much, to heat or cool. At least it will be better insulated than my RV was this past summer and winter. That should help. All the appliances in the building are electric – I’m finding that to be the case a lot in the southwest, or the heat is by propane in some places. (It’s a weirdness to get used to after having been in the northeast where houses or buildings were sometimes heated by oil or natural gas. Rarely did I hear about a house being heated by propane.)  I am going to like being surrounded again by four walls of a permanent nature, rather than living in a structure that was only built to be lived in for three seasons of the year. And also, it comes with a washer and dyer and a NORMAL shower. Or, should I say, a NORMAL-SIZED shower?

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This is from a hike known as the Toadstools. It’s located a bit less than halfway between Lake Powell and Kanab, UT. (If I can, I’ll write up a separate blog post about this hike at a later date.)

So. Now, I get to sell the RV. A few people have asked about it in the employee housing area where I am, and have offered to make some payments on it. I am very leery of doing something like that as it makes me a defacto landlord, and that’s just another stress I don’t want on my head. Plus, I have a loan on the RV and because of that, I carry more insurance on it. I don’t want to be liable for anything that happens with it. My other option is do it as a consignment sale with the dealer from whom I originally bought it.  I am a bit worried about not being able to sell it for what I still owe on the loan, but I have resigned myself to possibly losing money on it and just doing the best I can to minimize the chance of that happening.

 

I have made it through the first few days without the girl who had been training me, on site. There were only two of us all day on Monday,  and we were hopping, especially in the afternoon at rush time. We had problems getting the door closed and were there past closing by about a half hour. But we did the best we could. I guess that’s all we can ask.

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This was from my Toadstools hike. At one point, I just sat and tried to listen to the sounds of nature and forget about everything else going on in my life.

I’ve been having issues controlling my anxiety lately, and it is quite possible it’s all situational. But I decided to take Prozac again, just the very smallest dosage of 20 mg. I started a few days ago and it does seem to be helping me to focus.  I need to find a local doctor to discuss it with, and it’s my plan to find one as soon as I have medical insurance again, sometime in April. I found myself feeling many moments of panic over the past few weeks, much more than I ever remember experiencing in the past several years. I also had crying jags that have made me very uncomfortable.  (Not sure if “jags” is a real word, but hey, it is now.) And just all around feeling like shit about myself, indulging in negative self-talk. I started to let it get out of control, which was really bad.

 

I know that it sounds like I have been see sawing back and forth on the decision whether to take Prozac or not, and I admit, I have. Part of me has wanted to just be free of all medicine for two reasons. I’ve wanted to see what I am like when not taking medication for anything. And a small part has not wanted to have to deal with doctors or paying for the medicines on a long term basis. I now understand those commercials that show people choosing to either pay for their medicines or put food on the table. (It’s not that dire, but when you were living as close to the line as I was when in Utah, it totally hits home.)  But as a very wise friend or two, or three (ok, many) have told me, it’s important to gauge what  and how I am feeling, and to listen to my body and what it is telling me.

While my financial situation has improved, having the studio is not cheap in an area known for having lots and lots of tourists. I will still have to mind my income and not be spending all crazy in one direction or another. I still have items I need to save for, and the RV will need to be paid off entirely. I want to pay off my car this year if at all possible. It would be awesome to no longer have a car payment. But I’m getting ahead of myself and that is a blog post for another day.

Thank you, as always for reading, and for be patient with long stretches in between blog posts. It’s just been a lot to take in these past few weeks and sometimes, I just want to sit and relax either on my couch or with Baby O on my lap at the beach. I believe this last bit is what they call self-care. It’s something none of us should ever neglect. It might not be the same as a physical activity like running, but it’s a way to relax. I’ll still run whenever I can, but working 10-11 hour days will also take a lot out of me too, and I need to remember that too.

If you have any words of wisdom or thoughts on all this craziness that is my life, please feel free to share. Just be nice, and try to not be too disappointed in that I am giving up the RV life. This is just the right thing for me to do. I need to have four permanent walls around me again, to be happy. And yes, it means I am setting up roots in the Lake Powell area for at least a year.

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A pic of Baby O, to reward you for having read this far. And really, what is a blog post without a picture of some sort of furry cuteness?

 

 

 

 

 

Adjusting….again

Terri
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Can’t remember when this was taken, but I love looking at these rocks/cliffs across the lake.

Six months ago, I didn’t think I’d be in this spot of being the “newbie” all over again, but I am. I got in my car, drove cross country with five cats, and all my stuff, and my dog Osito on my lap (yes, it was INSANE), and thought “this is it, this is THE big move. The one that  changes my life.”

Well, it did. And it was A big move, but not the last one ever. But it got me closer to where I am today, so yes, it did change my life. Just not in all the ways I thought it would.

People ask me why I moved cross country to an area where I pretty much knew no one. People asking sometimes sound like they don’t understand how I could do that, or that they think I’m brave for doing it, or that they think I’m crazy, “Oh, I could NEVER do that…” And I realize when I start telling my story (I’ve tried to abbreviate for folks as much as possible but inevitably, when the words “Harvard Law” come out of my mouth, there’s a bunch more questions that follow), just how crazy it sounds. Leave a job at a premier law school where I was making more money than I had ever made, using both advanced degrees I am still paying for (and likely always will be until I hit retirement age or die), to take care of animals who poop all day (an average of 360 times, to be exact), and then start working at a campground as a supervisor. I now have much more responsibility than I think I ever have in a job before (except for maybe when I was a lawyer and that came with its own sort of craziness.) It does sound a bit insane, doesn’t it? 

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Photo taken at the “bewitching” hour, i.e. right before sunrise. 

So I find myself again not completely sure of what I am doing at work, but as I mentioned to one of my team leads yesterday, I have learned to embrace change more than i ever had before the past year. I used to be afraid to take chances. To make big choices and then deal with the consequences. I was most DEFINITELY afraid of failure.

This is not to say that any of that doesn’t scare me now. It still does. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. It’s just that I can put things in a different sort of perspective. I told my Team Lead that whereas before, something might have super stressed me out, I now try to think to myself as to whether something will still really matter a year from now. Or, I think of the changes I’ve made in my life in the past year and try to compare the change or choice I am about to make, and see how they match up. And, not for nothing, but I’m 43, and I keep hearing about health problems that some of my former high school classmates are going through or have gone through, how many have already died. So, it kind of puts things in perspective.

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My most recent pre-sunrise photo. Made getting up so early so worth it.

 

I will admit I’m a bit nervous about doing a good job at the job I’m at now. There is a ton to remember – everyone keeps telling me eventually it will all make sense. (I hope that’s the case, like how all of a sudden the mental block I had about giving sub-Q fluids and keeping the needles sterile, gave way, and I  “got it.” Now it seems like second nature to me to give fluids to Bonkers.)

Someone will show me how to do something and at the time it’s explained to me, it makes sense and I can do it. But trying to retain it all is a bit daunting. At times, I feel like a brand new reference librarian all over again – like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights, I might freeze when you asked me the simplest question.  Or, how I used to freeze when anyone asking a question would involve business terminology like stocks, equities, securities. You could ask me to find a law or treaty for you in a language I couldn’t read, no problem. But ask me a business-related question and I would sheepishly call for help from my old officemate who was super patient with me all the time. (God, thinking about her now, I really miss her a lot.)  Sorry, tangent there for a minute….

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I took this a few hours before a storm rolled in. Just loved seeing the weirdness of the colors of the sky. I thought it almost looked the color that a sky would look before a tornado hits. Also loved how dark blue the lake appeared. I’ve always been enamored with storms.

I’ve been trying to calm myself down when moments of panic or self-doubt occur, by remembering I used to be a reference librarian, and if I do so say so, a damn good one too. I was  persistent in finding things, even when I had very little to go on sometimes.  I felt confident in my skills. And now, well, it’s just hard being the one asking all the questions again, not having the answers, and knowing that at the same time, I will have people looking to me for answers. I’m going to have people reporting to me who are trying to figure me out, what kind of boss/supervisor I am going to be. Maybe that is the part that stresses me out the most, knowing I will have people looking to me to be a leader, while I’m still trying to figure out just what the hell I am doing, and how to navigate the large organization I’ve just joined. Maybe. Or maybe it’s just not feeling like I have my feet firmly planted underneath me just yet. 

I’ve always been a straight shooter and one thing I’ve never been is the person who plays politics. I don’t kiss up to people, that is just NOT in my nature. But I know that others do, and I know that others will try to stab you in the back. Some friends in the past have faulted me for being too trusting. Maybe I am, but I would hate to be cynical and negative all the time as the alternative.

One thing I am not used to doing is saying “no” to people. When you work at Harvard Law, you don’t say no to professors often. There are always rules and there are always exceptions to the rule that are granted. As a librarian, you always want to do your very best to satisfy the patron. You look and look and look for the answer, or the way to show them how to find the answer him/herself. I know I will sometimes have to say “no” to staff and their requests and/or a customer (although  I will try my best to accommodate as many as I can.)

The girl training me at my job is the outgoing supervisor and a person with whom I wish I had spent more time working. She’s very cool and seems to really have the respect of the people underneath her. She works very hard also. She told me I am doing well and that she thinks I might be placing too much stress on myself right now. But that’s the Type A personality in me that got me through law school. The part of me that always feels like I need to work harder than anyone else, just to stay up there with them. It’s the part of me that always felt, when training for a marathon, like I had to run just one more mile more than anyone else. I really did. Ask my training partner from back then. Some days we would have 14 miles on the training plan and I would tell myself to go home and run just one more.

I know things will eventually calm down. If you’ve read all the way through this, then you’re either on a mission from God, or a glutton for punishment. Either way, I thank you.

I do hope you have enjoyed some of the photos sprinkled throughout this post. I’ve been running a lot more lately, with the gorgeous sunrises that I am treated to almost every morning.

And now, I’m going to take a deep breath and hit “publish.” Some posts are just cathartic for me to write, whether or not they ever get read by anyone.

Let’s Catch Up, Shall We?

Terri
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Lake Powell from near my RV about an hour before sunset. Yes, I’ve edited the pic for color but it gives you an idea of just how beautiful it is. 

So it’s been a busy few weeks since I last posted. I finished up the job at the animal sanctuary and then moved a few days ago to the small (but still bigger than where I just left) town of Page, AZ. You might not have heard of the town’s name, but it’s home to a huge lake (2nd largest reservoir) called Lake Powell. Simply put, it’s gorgeous. I don’t care what the naysayers say about “oh the lake’s level is down so far right now, it’s just a pond compared to what it once was… blah, blah, blah.” You know what? I’m not gonna let them rain on my parade because the view I see every morning and every evening makes it all worthwhile.

The move here was a bit rough at first – some downed trees, and the campsite I wanted didn’t have water running to it. So I ended up taking the site next to it, and am now just hoping the downed trees get cleaned up sooner rather than later. There are also some problems with the water at the new site, but they are workable. I also can’t wait to make my space more inviting – it will have to wait until I get a paycheck as I’ve used the credit card too much lately. But more inviting, it will definitely be! Luckily, the animals seem to have adjusted to the move rather quickly. For the first day, Callie and HoneyBun hid a lot and were clearly freaked out, but they seem to have recovered just fine by now, as you can tell from the photo below.

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HoneyBun appears to have settled in comfortably.

So I also just started my new job this week.  I will be supervising and yes, it’s been a while since i did that in any official capacity, so I’m a bit nervous, but think I’ve learned  a lot over the years from my supervisors, both bad and good. Going to try to discard all the bad habits and things I saw, and do my best to keep the good, plus tweak those things with my own personal style. And you all know me, I like to research the hell out of anything so I’ve been reading some self-help/teach-yourself books on management, and will be trying to hone my people skills as well. I know it won’t all be easy but I hope to not disappoint the ones who believed in me enough to offer me the job.

When it comes to managing, in the past, I’ve tried to always lead by example and make it very clear to folks that I will never ask them to do something I’ve not done or won’t do myself. I hope that will come through loud and clear. And God knows, for 6 months, I took care of a lot of animal poop so I think it’s safe to say there isn’t much I won’t do, if it needs to be done. From what I hear, we get extremely busy in the summer and there will probably be some overtime in my future. If that’s the case, I’ve already decided I will be trying to save as much $ as I possibly can. If it works out for me here, I could see myself trying to buy a small house or condo.

I finally got to take a tour of the Glen Canyon Dam. It’s the second largest, and also Lake Powell is the second largest reservoir in the country, trailing just behind Lake Mead in terms of capacity. I will also be attending a fundraiser for the local animal shelter/adoption agency, known as PAAA (Page Animal Adoption Agency). Hoping to meet other like minded people there – something tells me I will!

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One of the most gentle dogs I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. After his initial shyness, he and I are buddies now. I’ve been licked on the face several times to prove it. 🙂

I just started pet sitting for a good friend, and will be for the next week or so in the evenings. He has the most awesome, old-souled (yes, “souled” is a word, I’ve just created it!) dog that I swear is part Australian Shepard and Lab by the looks of him, shy but super-loving dog. (In the pic, he has a dog treat on his head. I was trying to bond with him at the time by lying next to him on the floor in the closet where he went and hid when I tried to take his pic. I think the treat convinced him enough to sit still for this one pic.)  He also has a very handsome and talkative Siamese who has epilepsy and thus requires medication twice a day. I’ve never seen a cat take a pill so easily in my entire life. You just pop his mouth open and shove it in, and you’re done. Awesome! If I go to Lone Rock tomorrow (as  you all know, one of my favorite places to be out here), I may be taking his dog along for the ride and an involved game of Fetch. (In case you are all wondering, yes, Baby O is doing just fine and she’s snoring next to me as I type this, in fact.)

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Balloon coming in for a soft landing on the third and final day of the Kanab Balloons and Tunes festival. That was a perfect weather morning and as the balloon landed, I could hear the birds singing. 

Before I left UT last week, I was able to take in a balloon festival with a new, but very good friend of mine. For three days, the balloons were able to get into the air, which is just awesome. They also had a Balloon Glow portion to the weekend where they had all the balloons set up on the street and at certain times, all would light up their balloons with the propane-powered hot air. It was a pretty amazing sight to see, and it just felt good to be leaving Kanab on an up, rather than down note.

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It was so difficult to snap a photo at just the right time as the balloons were lit up! 

In case any of you are wondering, yes it’s been two weeks since I’m completely Prozac free as I mentioned in my last post. I’m feeling great. I’ve been getting up and running in the mornings, and went to the local gym for the first time today. Had a great workout that left me feeling tired and famished, and a bit sore, which is just the way I like to feel at the end of a great workout. It’s a feeling I’ve not had in a long while, so I think things are looking up in that department and in so many others as well.

And on that note, I think I will end this post. Thanks as always for reading.

 

Off the Prozac!!!!

Terri
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The pic of my beauties, Osito and Max, has nothing to do with Prozac of course, but what would a blog post be without some of my furballs??!!

That’s right, folks, as of yesterday, all the Prozac is out of my system! Gone! Finito! Out of here!!

Those of you who have read my blog for a long time know how important this is to me and what a long road it’s been. I know my last post on the subject said that i was going to stay on it. And at the time, I did. But about five weeks ago, I just decided, “you know what? Maybe my occasional down-ish feelings right now are just situational. Or, just normal down periods, like everyone has. I wonder how I would feel if I were to just stop taking it for a day, and then maybe two. You know, see where it goes?” So, I did.

You see, 20 mg is usually the starting dose that they have you take. I remember the difference in the beginning – how that one little pill would make a subtle (but noticeable to me) difference in my alertness. It was if things were a bit “sharper.” Maybe heightened is another word to use to describe it. At any rate, that’s the best way I can describe it.

So, when I started my new regimen of no Prozac on a daily basis, this time I didn’t say anything to anyone other than my friend Dan, and one person here in UT, my friend, M. Dan isn’t local but he knows my struggles with this in the past so he was there to check up on me since we text/facebook message almost every day and he would notice any mood swings, if they occurred.  Same thing for my friend here in Utah. They’re both people I trust a lot to tell me things straight up, No Bullshit. I think it’s important we all have at least one or two awesome people in our life like that, don’t you agree?

As I went for a run earlier today, I thought of how my life has changed in the past five years since I’ve been on Prozac. About how I’ve changed, internally, and what has gone on during that time, externally. It’s been quite the ride.

In five years, I’ve gotten divorced, and began volunteering with animals. I’ve had one serious long term and long distance relationship with someone who was completely different from my husband, and I learned I did have the capacity to love and be loved again. I was not completely broken and wouldn’t have to spend the rest of my life alone, as I feared when I first began thinking of leaving my marriage.

Back in Boston, I met some wonderful women who quickly formed a great circle of friends, and whom I miss greatly now. There is one in particular who even became a sister to me, Sarita.  I call her family my “Massachusetts family.” While I knew I was lucky to have her and them in my life back then, as the saying goes, you never truly know what you have until you don’t have it anymore. I can keep up with all of them on facebook and the like, but it’s not the same when you can’t just call them up and say “hey, do you want to come over and hang out?” Sarita and I used to do that a lot – we just “got” each other, from the very beginning. I call her my sister by another mother. And I really miss her.

In those five years, I realized that working at a job that pays you well monetarily is not the end-all of life. I’ve given up a good paying job that just didn’t fulfill me anymore to move across the country to a place where I didn’t know a soul, and to where I could work with animals full-time. I thought that move was my dream come true, but have now realized, it wasn’t. I’m still figuring out why that is the case, but I’m confident in deciding it was not the place for me to stay, long term.

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Yep, another picture of Zion, this one taken last week while I went with a friend! Btw, there are absolutely no changes made to this pic – the sky was actually THAT blue!

And again, I’ve made one very good friend here who I know I will miss seeing on an almost-daily basis, M.  I’m using that initial for her first name and for the fact that many of us call her “Mom” at work. Seeing her makes me smile because she always tries to get through every day with a positive attitude. She is the one who taught me to start the day with a hug from someone who cares. I’m comforted by knowing she will only be 75 miles away or so, rather than the 2500+ distance that separates me and Sarita, but it’s scary to think of starting over again, you know? Once again, being the new person in town. However, while it’s scary, it’s also exciting. I get to see things again for the first time. And this time, I do have a friend who already lives in town, J.

These friendships have made me realize I was not really living and trying to be my authentic self when I was married. I was going through the motions of life, carrying out what I thought was supposed to be my dream life. Having a house and a dog and a husband to come home to every night. Having friends in the form of other couples (who were really his friends and not mine) to hang out with. Having a healthy(ier) bank account and less worries, knowing there was someone else to lean on. I didn’t work so hard to create friendships of my own. There were a few individuals I was friends with, but those friendships, while one or two may still continue on today, were not as strong  or intense as the ones I made afterward, while on my own.

 

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It was beautiful to see the Virgin River flowing and looking so clear, compared to how it looks in the summertime.

While I was running, I was also thinking, how I feel like I’m a different person, or a bit of a different person, than I was five years ago. It’s weird though- physically, I’m still the same (if not wanting to be in the same shape as I was in after the divorce) person, but mentally and philosophically, there have been many changes. And I think there are many more to come.

What is that saying – if something doesn’t scare you, then it’s not worth doing? Well, then I guess this move of location and job is worth doing.

 

 

 

 

 

A LOT Has Been Going On!

Terri

Sorry I’ve been silent the past few weeks but wow, it has been quite the whirlwind!

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Try to handle the cuteness in this picture if you can. I ❤ Bonkers and Osito.

I couldn’t say things publicly but I was in the midst of making some big changes. You may have remembered my musing at times about finding some workamping gigs and my planning on doing Amazon Camperforce in the fall months. Well, I interviewed for three different workamping gigs and was offered positions at all three! (For the curious, they were at Yellowstone National Park, Cedar Pass Lodge in the Badlands, and also Lake Powell Resort in AZ.)

I couldn’t believe that three different people so quickly wanted to hire me! I was extremely flattered, and I made sure to tell the two employers with whom I decided to not pursue employment that I was going to be taking a job elsewhere and my reasons why. I decided to go with Lake Powell for many reasons.

Lake Powell is only 75 miles from where I am currently located, and the weather would be nicest. I’ve been there many times, and I love the area (did I mention there is a huge, huge, HUGE lake there?) Plus, the pay was pretty good, the housing was very, very inexpensive, and last but not least, I already knew people who lived in the area, both in Page, and also my friends here in Kanab. I thought it would be a good way of easing myself into the workamping lifestyle, and it gave me a lot of options, RV-wise. I could easily move my current RV there (the big fifth wheel) by having someone transport it for me, and not have it cost an arm and a leg. To move the fifth wheel to either of the other locations would be HUGELY expensive. Or, I could sell my fifth wheel and look into buying a smaller rig, with a different tow vehicle, before I would move in a few months.

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I took this pic from the beach that is located just below the Wahweap RV & Campground at the Lake Powell Resort. The difference in the colors you see in the rocks across the water shows how high the water used to be in Lake Powell, compared to today.

So flash forward to a few weeks ago. A friend asked me if I might be interested in pursuing a full-time position as a campground supervisor at Lake Powell! So I went and interviewed with who will be my future boss, and spent a few hours there, meeting some of the employees and the outgoing supervisor. They wanted me to think about it over the weekend and I did (a lot) and then we talked that following Monday, and they wanted me to take the job!  There are three permanent employees, who are all in what they call Lead positions, and then the rest are temporary, seasonal workers, and I understand that some of them are returning. Hearing that makes me feel better – if you keep coming back year after year, there must be something good going on there.

I should mention – during that weekend while I thought about the job, I was also able to see a lot of family members that I haven’t seen a ton of over the years. My younger brother, (who long time readers will remember is an amazing runner who has done several marathons and (now) four ultra marathons!) traveled out to the Phoenix area to run another 100 mile trail race. I am so proud of him for having completed it in 21 hours, 27 minutes, and 32 seconds!! He was pretty amazing, as always. The course was a 20 mile loop that they ran 5 times. He led the race in first place for the first 80 miles (and that includes his first 20 mile lap at a pace of about 8:30/mile.) He was only overtaken at about mile 85. He came in third overall and set a PR for himself at this distance, beating his first two races by about 7 hours!!

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This pic was taken from higher up than the beach, toward where the employee campground and lodging location is. My phone camera just doesn’t show the elevation change well.

I must say, I don’t take this job switch lightly, and a few people very close to me have expressed guilt in thinking that they were, in some way, partly to blame for my looking to move on from my current situation. Here’s the thing. Yes, I do take their opinions seriously.  I also consider these folks to be very close to me and always have my best interests at heart. However, no one forced me to make the decision to uproot myself and move from a big northeastern city to a small town in Utah. That was my decision to make. And it’s not one that I regret. That’s because I think the decision to come here was one that I was meant to make. Every decision has moved me closer to where I am supposed to be, and who I am supposed to be, and what I am supposed to be in this world. I have faith in that being true.  It’s been a learning experience and those are not always easy and comfortable. Unfortunately, learning can sometimes be painful, in the moment, anyway.

I realized this town is too small for me, and it doesn’t have enough going on to keep me happy. The town I am moving to is not a huge city like Boston but it does have more amenities than where I am now, relying so much on the tourism industry. Not that I love what Walmart stands for, but it is a huge advantage to have a store like Walmart so that if something breaks past 6 p.m., I will know that there is a place where I can likely buy a replacement part. Or, if I need a prescription filled on a weekend sometime after 12 noon on a Saturday, I have a hope of getting it filled.  To me, small things like that give me a measure of comfort. It’s not that I want to be spending all of my time at the local Walmart, but the fact that I won’t have to drive for 75 miles to get there, gives me comfort.

I’ve also realized I need to have some body of water near me. Back in Boston, my building had a beautiful reservoir out back. Even if I wasn’t going for a run around it, it was there if I wanted to just sit and “be.” To be able to sit and listen to the lap of waves on the shore is a huge comfort to me, even if I can see land on the other side. (In fact, I think seeing land on the other side actually makes me feel more comforted than sitting by the ocean and realizing the closest land mass is thousands of miles away.)

However, I feel guilt when I think of the fact that now the people with whom I work at the sanctuary have to look again for another staff member, leaving them short staffed again. And I also feel guilt when I think of leaving the amazing animals at the sanctuary behind. I know they are extremely well cared for, but caring for animals is what made me move 2600 miles. It’s what made me take such a huge cut in salary. I can’t ever give up on animals.

I really, really thought that when I made this big move, that this was IT. I really did. So, yes, I’m disappointed. But I’ve also made a very good friend or two over the past six months, and these are people I really feel like I was meant to meet and have in my life. They’ve taught me a lot about the goodness in people, and for that I am thankful. Sometimes I hear about such wickedness and crap going on in the world and wonder what makes some people the way they are.

So, I’ve already contacted the animal shelter in the town where I will be, and I plan on volunteering there as much as possible once I’m settled in. I stopped in this past weekend and immediately several cats came right up to me for attention. I didn’t let myself go visit with the dogs as I didn’t want to get them all excited and then not be able to take them on walks. As it was, I wanted to take home so many of the cats!! It is a small shelter but it does incredible work with the resources it has.

So now I’m thinking…maybe this is the reason I moved to this part of the US. To help share the beauty of this part of the country with visitors through my job.  To have a living situation that will allow me to be able to make some headway on paying off my RV and my car (and yes, that pesky private student loan), while also providing some comfort to shelter animals that can really use it.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. I’m sorry that I worried a few of you who wrote to me after not hearing from me on here for so long. I just had to focus my energies on things like job searching and stuff at certain times, so the blog had to step aside for a bit. Thanks for reading, as always.

 

 

 

 

(re)discovering myself

Terri
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Bonkers and Osito, hanging out next to me at the dinette – the love I feel for them is just overpowering sometimes. They truly are my kids.

You may have noticed that I sometimes post a lot more than at other times. Sometimes a blog post feels like it’s forcing its way outside of me, and other times, it feels like it can take forever to get one completed. It’s those ones that I sometimes even wonder “is it worth it to hit the Publish button?” So yes, my writing can go in spurts, both on the blog and otherwise.

My very wise friend, Dan, said to me last week that life can sometimes be like working on a puzzle. You can be going along, really well, finding one piece after another that fits in, and then all of a sudden, you can hit a point where nothing happens. Or you question why you are doing something, and get really frustrated when you can’t find that next piece. You might have little sections of the puzzle done, but the whole thing just isn’t falling into place. He’s always coming up with good sayings and then thinks to himself, “I should write this down” so this time, I’ve done it for him. (In fact, I told him that day, I just might have to use his analogy.) So there you go, Dan, your words are in print. 

At the time of our conversation, I was feeling quite down after having returned home from a trip to Vegas. Just a quick trip, but it made me feel alive again – there were lots of people there! And a CVS and a Walgreens! (And yes, I thought it was pretty sad that seeing those two stores made me feel like I was in *city life* again.)  Anyway, I digress.

I’d like to share a video with you of one of my favorite youtube channels. Brittany is a nomad and a minimalist (much more so than I could ever be, as sometimes she lives out of a backpack), but this was one of her more raw type of videos and it just really spoke to me, especially as I contemplate making more changes in my life.

My friend Dan is very wise, especially as we have only met in person once and that was during my cross-country road trip when me and all of my furballs crashed his place for two nights. He told me he thinks I’m basically two people.  And he is so right.

There is a part of me that really wants to get out and see things and experience new things and places. A part of me that constantly needs to be working toward something, a new goal, or a new plan. It’s what gets me up and keeps me feeling “up” when otherwise I might feel down or feel like I’m just treading water in place. And then there is this other part of me that needs to feel structure or feel *safe* and feel like there is enough money to do things. The part that worries about not being able to take care of my furballs or that if I do make a choice and it doesn’t work out, then I’ve screwed myself financially.

I take contentment in so many things – seeing my furballs all hanging out on the bed in my RV with the space heater blasting away, knowing they all feel comfortable enough to snooze. Dressing my little Osito in her sweater for the day when she first wakes up, so that in case the temps fall in the RV while I am at work, she can still stay warm and snuggly.

But then, there is this part of me that thinks, “there is still a lot out there for me to see and learn, and do.” It’s not FOMO (fear of missing out) but a curiosity, I think. The two are different. That’s the part of me that listens to this video of a popular RVer blogger, Becky Schade, (from Interstellar Orchard) when she was interviewed a couple years ago, and draws so much inspiration from it. She’s younger than me and wise beyond her years, and yes, I may have shared it before, but in my mind, it bears re-sharing again.

This *safe* part of me is the one that was so scared to make this last big change in my life. It’s the part that listened to all the concerns of others and let those concerns creep into my own mind. That’s the part that misses the fact that last year I had off between Christmas and New Year’s, and made so much more money. That’s the part that still occasionally asks “what the HELL are you doing, living on so little, being so far from home, having to work on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day?!” That’s the part that doesn’t even feel like it’s the holidays time of year since I’ve done no shopping at all (just sending money to the nieces and nephews, and even those amounts are pitifully small but they are all I can handle right now.) That’s the part that looks back and says (along with so many who hear my story), you left HARVARD LAW to come and scoop poop?

And yes, that is the first time I’ve mentioned publicly on this blog where I used to work. Some of you already knew that, but I’ve now taken a big breath and decided to put it out there. I know all the images the big red H conjurs up with every mention of its name. I know. But I don’t regret leaving. And no, the place was not perfect. Far from it. And no, I didn’t go to school there either (that’s a usual question I get asked.) In fact, I got rejected from there pretty instantaneously upon having applied. So I always found it a bit ironic that I was then deemed good enough to teach their students how to find things. But I digress, and I’m going to jump off of that soapbox now before I start to aggravate myself.

So, now, I’ve gone ahead and made such a big change, and while I feel a bit disappointed in that it doesn’t seem to be THE place for me to be in this world, I do know that I CAN do something a lot of people are afraid to do. A lot of people are afraid to step outside of what is the *normal* or *expected* way of life. But now I’m wondering, where exactly should I be right now, and what should I be doing? It’s that part of me that envies those I know in my life who are willing to jump in and do something adventurous. The part that looks to what my younger brother did when he would make these huge life changes, and the part that sees what my brother and sister in law are doing with traveling the world (and you can read about it by reading their blog, It’s Not a Slow Car, It’s a Fast House. And  yet, even then that fearful, compare-yourself-to-others voice makes itself be heard – “but they know so much more about cars, which you don’t….”

As my friend Dan has recognized in me, I am desperately trying to find my place in this world. And as he always reminds me, I need to take a breath. It will eventually come to me, or happen.

So, in Brittany’s words – “what is it that you think you can’t do? What would be too good to be true?” Please drop me a line below and share your thoughts.  For me, right now, I think it’s to workamp starting next summer, and to always be in a place that is warm and doesn’t get snow. So it would entail moving with the seasons (or to someplace like southern California) and to do that, I need a different camper. And believe me, I go back and forth in my mind over those scenarios over and over and over again, as to which is better for me to do. Over and over, ad nauseum.

I hope you will all have a great holiday week and stay safe if you are traveling somewhere.  And as always, thanks for reading.

P.S. Yes, this is one of those posts that required me to inhale and take a VERY deep breath before hitting that Publish button. Also one that needed to be written.

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Something Just Hasn’t Been Right

Terri
I took this photo today on my walk on a trail close to town. At parts of the trail, it is super quiet and you feel miles away from everything.
I took this photo today on my walk on a trail close to town. At parts of the trail, it is super quiet and you feel miles away from everything.

I’m sure we have all had times in our lives when we have sensed that something just wasn’t right. We might not have been able to put our finger on it at first – maybe it was the look of a stranger that told us to not trust them, or an offhand comment. Maybe it was our gut telling us to not take a job but we ignored it and took the job anyway, only to find out that we were pretty miserable soon thereafter. I’m not saying that is the case with me, I’m just using those as examples. Read more →

Observations and Thoughts While Hiking Zion National Park’s Observation Point Trail

Terri
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This pic was taken toward the beginning of the hike, when I stopped to eat my pb&j sandwich. You find the trailhead for the Observation Point Trail at the Weeping Rock shuttle stop.

One of the good things about where I live is that one of the most amazing national parks is pretty much in my backyard. Just a quick forty minute drive or so to the Visitor Center where on weekends through the end of November, they are running a shuttle service through the scenic road of the park. Yesterday, I felt like challenging myself so I set out to do the Observation Point Trail, which is described by Zionnational-park.com as “[t]he path is steep and gains elevation quickly, making it one of the most strenuous of the classic hikes in the park. If you have poor fitting shoes it can be quite painful on your toes on the return hike.” (I found the description to be accurate, btw.) Read more →

(Almost) off the Prozac

Terri
Image courtesy of Pixabay - sunshine helps everything seem better, doesn't it?
Image courtesy of Pixabay – sunshine helps everything seem better, doesn’t it?

I’m almost there, I’m down to just 1/2 of a tiny pill, and soon I will be down to no anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication! It’s been five years since I got through the day without them.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit nervous to see how things go once my body adjusts to even the dosage that I am on right now. You see, Prozac has a very long half life, of about 5 weeks. What that means is that if I were to stop taking it altogether today, some semblance of it would be in my system for another five weeks. So, even though I have been only taking 10 mg this week, my body still thinks that it has at least 20 mg in it, or one full pill. Read more →

Write a Book?

Terri
View of Zion National Park, looking west (or down canyon) from along the Angel's Landing Trail
View of Zion National Park, looking west (or down canyon) from along the Angel’s Landing Trail. That’s the Virgin River below – it’s cut through seven layers of rock in Zion over the years. 

I’ve always wanted to write. As far back as I can remember. In fourth grade, after my parents split, it seemed like I wanted to write fiction – plays that my friends and I could act out. I liked creating these worlds where things could be different from mine. Things could be better. Problems could be solved with just the flourish of my pen (we only had typewriters back then. Yes, I’m one of those people who lived before the age of computers. Don’t call me old though, or I may just have to smack you. 🙂 )

Why would anyone want to read what I write? And actually pay for it? When they could read part of my blog and get the same gist of things? Will they think I’m doing it just for the  money? What if they hate it? What if it gets bad reviews when I finally put it up there for the world to see? And worse, what if no one wants to buy it??

These are the self-doubting thoughts that immediately start to come to mind when I sit down to actually start writing. I start to over-analyze every sentence, every word I put onto paper (or in this case, my chromebook’s screen). I try to fight through it by just continuing on, knowing I can always edit later. That’s what I would tell others in my situation, so why do I find it so hard to follow my own advice?

What should the book be about? My journey into learning more about myself? My journey through depression? My attempt at minimalization? My drive across this country in a car with five cats and a dog? My 180 degree change from working at a well paying job in the Ivory Tower, to a world where I get paid to clean up after nonstop-pooping rabbits and clean poopy butts with my bare hands every day? (This, from the woman who never wanted to change a baby’s diaper because I thought it was so gross.)  Some of these, or all of these? Or something else? Should it just be a work of fiction instead?

I’ve read through books on how to write in the past and usually come away feeling even more self-doubtful. Which scares me, because I know from many therapy sessions that I can sometimes have a very harsh inner voice. It’s one I’ve learned to quiet over the years but from time to time, still rears its ugly head (most recently, just a few days ago at work. I could tell I was being irrational but also couldn’t stop myself from feeling hurt when I knew the people around me were only trying to help, with their words of advice.)

Why do I find it so much easier to let the words flow on this blog than when I start to actually type onto a blank piece of paper? 

I’d love to hear any and all thoughts any of you might have on this subject – please drop me a line below, and thank you. Even if it’s to tell me I’m insane and shouldn’t do it, I’ll understand. I appreciate candor in all things, even if it’s sometimes hard to hear or take in at the time.